NC'd for this. Will try to be succinct and am quite prepared to be told I'm being a completely unreasonable cow.
Background..married 17 years, I am 43, DH 45, 1 DD age 13 and 1 DS age 9. Good stable family situation, DH and I never argue, kids doing well. All fine and dandy. Rocky finances for a good few years but getting better now.
However. For the last few years DH and I have slowly been growing apart. I have a highly-paid job in scientific research, he has been made redundant a couple of times and is now in a menial job in a caravan park. Nothing wrong with that, he enjoys it, it's stress-free for him, doesn't pay much but better than nothing. In fact he has quite a lovely wee life which is where we are at odds. I organise everything...childcare for when I'm away travelling a couple of days a week, bills, finances, vet and docs appts....you get the drift. I also do the vast majority of the cleaning and decorating. He works weekends and I therefore have the 3 dogs and kids, leaving very little time for me as I work full time. He covers this while I'm away travelling during the week but I will very often come home to find nothing's been done. He has an outbuilding which he uses as his mancave, he's out there 3-4 evenings a week practising guitar as he's in a band....quite a recent thing. He seems to have no problem organising band practices and sorting out the other members. Drinks a bit and smokes weed which he has cut down to 1 night per week as we had words about it.
I'm in a quandary. I'm not sure that I love him any more. We are worlds apart intellectually. He is the most laid back person in the world which as he has gotten older, I feel has translated into laziness. We don't have a sex life to speak of. He has had ED problems for 8 years due to being made redundant and so now the only time we ever have sex is when a blue pill has been taken. Not even once a month now and I have to keep reminding him. Sometimes it is months. he has been several times to the GP at my instigation, he has had one session of counselling, dismissed after that because he is not depressed or anxious. I feel shit that he can only shag me by taking medication although he is reasonably affectionate otherwise. We have had so many conversations about all of these things, about him taking on more of the burden, about our sex life, all started by me. I am not a sulker and will say how I feel. When I do this, he sits and says nothing. Years ago while pissed he told me that when I start on about this kind of stuff he justs shuts it off and lets it all go over him. Nothing changes. I have tried to give him tasks, he fucks it up.
He swears up and down he loves me beyond all measure and that there is noone else he could ever love. I have mostly told him that I would never split us up because I couldn't do it to the kids, they would never forgive me, but in the last convo we had, a few weeks back, I mentioned that I was beginning to think differently. i told him I can see how people have affairs.
For full disclosure...he had the beginnings of an EA about 1.5 years ago with an old flame through FB, how cliched. I caught him and it was nipped in the bud. Around 2 years ago I was in the same position with a work colleague who was very smitten with me but I shut it down before it went too far. I'm unsure as to whether DH would have done the same if he had not been caught. It really was just a few flirty texts.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm having some kind of midlife crisis. We rub along most of the time but are just like friends who happen to share a house and a couple of kids. Financially, separating would be a disaster. He's not a bad man, he's a really good man in fact, but....I don't know.
Help.