Should I be grateful for all I do have?

[Speedos]

Not sure really where to start with this and it might be a novel but DH is out tonight so wanted to get started.

Met DH when I was 24 (he was 33 so 9 years older). We met at work so didn't have any mutual friends and living quite different lives, I was partying in London and he was happy just going to the pub and dinner. I had all the butterflies etc when we first started dating but the sex was always just ok, never fantastic but I loved him and thought everything else he had to offer made up for it somehow.

He never made any effort with my friends of the time so barely knows many of them and looking back has never really wanted to do anything without a lot of convincing (like going away for weekends etc, even going further than walking distance for a meal)

We got married after dating for 2 years probably sooner than we should have for visa reasons but always planned to have a big wedding the following year however about a year after getting married I started a new job and realised I had been living the life of a hermit not a 26/27 year old woman and I left him for a year but then went back as it seemed the grass wasn't greener and it was tough on my own - I have had an eating disorder for 25 years and this was a bad phase.

So now we have 2 young kids (2 and 5) and I am so unhappy with him. We have had sex twice this year, I feel like my life is ebbing away. We do nothing fun together, I have more fun on my own. He won't do anything with the children. He has never taken the 2 of them out on his own, never taken the eldest swimming or a day out on his own. On the rare night I have been away he gets his parents down as finds the kids hard work.

However there is nothing 'big' wrong with him such as drugs, drinks, gambling etc and he would never leave me or have an affair. He also earns well and is very good with money and very generous, doesn't spend anything on himself but doesn't care what I spend so I have a very nice life that money can buy. We get on fine just like doing different things. Should this be enough for me?

There is probably more to say but this is pretty long already, I am just after any insight from mumsnetters who have anything similar and what you did about it.

I will try and get on later.

Have you talked to him about these issues?

Could you go to couples counselling?

It may not help your marriage, but help you decide to leave.

Answering your question: what do you have?
A husband, in paper only it seems.
Children, to whom you seem to be a single mum already.
So, a nice house, things, holidays?

Being deeply unhappy with someone is reason enough to end a marriage. Your feelings from the start seem to be summarised by 'he's not fantastic but something will fall into place if I give it enough time'... which is not exactly an enthusiastic way to approach a life-partnership. If it had been really strong at the outset and you'd just got side-tracked looking after small children and so forth, I'd say go for the counselling. But as you seem to be ill-suited in general and this has just dragged on way past its sell-by date, I don't see that would achieve anything.

There is no nice way to bring things to an end but, if you care about each other and want the best for your children, you can make it as amicable and constructive as possible. It would be foolish to stay misereable just because you have access to money. It would be cruel to stay with someone you no longer love under false pretences

Thank you for your replies.

I suppose when we broke up he made some effort and we got back together but now back to set in ways, the age gap really impacts on me now. If I try to talk about him doing anything I just get the whole he has to go to work and staying at home is a holiday bitterness so it's just easier to not bother.

Yes I think we were unsuited from the start. He was the first man to give me butterflies so I guess I thought he must be the one! One of the biggest problems is the sex and I just can't see how that can be improved.

I know I don't see myself with him in 10 years time it's just really hard to think of the logistics of leaving/spliting as I am a SAHM and have no family in this country so it is actually quite hard for me to work as the kids get 17 weeks holiday per year. As I said I have a lot of stability and security at home, the thought of not having that is terrifying.

A prime example of what he is like is he asked me today 'shall we get rid of some of these toys, you'll have to tell me which ones as I have no idea what they play with'....

If what's principally holding you back is that you think your life would become unstable and insecure then you need to take legal advice and get informed. As a wife and mother of children you have a certain amount of protection in law when it comes to being provided for in the event of a divorce. Any property, savings or other assets you own as a family would be shared fairly, for example... the starting point is 50/50.... which could be enough to enable you to set up elsewhere. Your children would be entitled to a percentage of his disposable income in the form of maintenance and the assumption for parenting would also be 50/50. So half of those 17 week holidays would be his responsibility. If you gave up work so that he could more easily pursue a career you may even have a claim for maintenance yourself. Many of us single parents hold down jobs successfully with the aid of childminders and so on.

So get informed on the logistics aspect. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation which may be all you need at this stage. Even if you don't take it any further, it might give you a sense of having more control than you currently think.