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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grossed out, honest opinions please!

24 replies

Rocklover · 06/06/2006 13:38

I have posted about my marriage probs before, however, this one is more "trivial", but it is driving me round the bend. Basically my DH doesn't shower as often as he should (last shower was Friday, although he did wash his hair today) and I found out the other day that my sister noticed he smells Blush. Also he doesn't clean his teeth very often, maybe once every other day (sometimes less). He has been like this since we started living together around 7 1/2 yrs ago,m but was never this bad before. It is a long standing bone of contention, he knows it completey puts me off and he hates me reminding him to clean his teeth as he feels that I treat him like a kid. We are having other problems at the moment (which he doesn't really grasp the seriousness off) and this is just making things worse, we have slept together for months (partly due to me feeling a bit depressed) but also due to the fact that his lack of hygiene (teeth more than showering) is really grossing me out. I just DO NOT fancy him anymore, am I being really mean or would you guys be disgusted too? I really don't know how to tackle the issue as I spoke to him about it the other day and he just shrugged it off (I wasn't rude, by the way, I took the softly, softly approach). HELP!!!!!

OP posts:
Rocklover · 06/06/2006 13:40

OOPS that should read we haven't slept together for months!

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 06/06/2006 13:40

I'd be disgusted too. Other than telling him he reeks, I don't see what else you can do. He clearly didn't get the subtle approach.

Carmenere · 06/06/2006 13:41

Well he doesn't deserve to be snogged if he won't brush his teeth. There is no excuse at all for bad hygiene, it should be just a habit at his age. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give you in how to handle him only to say that lack of hygiene is sometimes a symptom of depression.

PrettyCandles · 06/06/2006 13:44

Is he depressed? Not condoning his behaviour (I agree with you - yeuch! ) but I was like that when I had PND, and it didn't need to be severe at the time, even just a bit stressed and personal hygiene became utterly unimportant.

Would he chew Orbit, or something like that? Though that might be just as off-putting I suppose. Does he go to the dentist? Would he listen if a male dentist told him he must brush or else?

Auntymandy · 06/06/2006 13:45

if you dont fancy him anymore I dont think brushing his teeth and taking a shower would help!!
But f you want things to work out, you need to tackle some of these problems!
Try buying an electric toothbrush for Fathers day and lots of shower gel

essbee · 06/06/2006 13:53

Yuk!! I'm already grossed out and I haven't got to snog him!!! Tbh i'm not surprised you don't fancy him if he smells and has bad hygiene. There is no excuse for not having a daily bath/shower or at least a good wash and as for the teeth....

I think you need to sit him down and be tactfully honest about it. Has he any mates that you could have a word with too? they must have noticed, surely??

I agree that it could be a symptom of depression although from what you've said (i.e. he's been like it for 7 yrs) that sounds like it's not the case.

How have you managed to put up with it for 7 yrs? You must be a far stronger woman than I.

Rocklover · 06/06/2006 13:53

He was depressed last year, but since staying with my parents and a let up on the financial strain he has been very "up", it is me who seems to be depressed. This hygeine issue did affect my being attracted to him at times before we had DD, but he always made up for it in other ways. He has just got a new teaching job (Sept start) which he is ecstatic about, so if he is depressed, he isn't acting it.

OP posts:
Rocklover · 06/06/2006 13:56

I have sat him down over and over again through the yrs and spoken to him about it. Sometimes he makes an effort for a few days, sometimes, he gets upset, most of the time he just ignores me as he percieves it as "nagging".

OP posts:
essbee · 06/06/2006 14:01

I find it hard to understand why he'd want to smell!? It might sound like nagging but what else does he expect you to do?

Since you have other marriage problems too how about trying someting like relate? you could bring the subject up there.

Auntymandy · 06/06/2006 14:02

ask him to join you in the shower or bath?!

slinkstah · 06/06/2006 14:14

my dp is the same!
i have blantantly told him on so many occasions that he stinks. i have even told him that people have told me that he stinks.
i have asked nicely, asked angrily and begged pleadingly for him to shower twice a week! and he says yes ill have a shower tonight etc and he never does. It has been over a fortnight this time round - not joking!
what is it with these men???

catsmother · 06/06/2006 14:15

Yep - I'd be disgusted too. It's not just the literal unpleasantness and gag factor of horrid smells, IMO, it's also about showing respect for your partner. Like, they don't think you're worth a "bit of effort" and, in fact, actually seem to think you're only worth no effort at all.

The only excuse for this would be depression - or a physical ailment which left them so weak as to be able to take care of themselves, which, I take it, doesn't apply in your case.

How is this going to affect his new teaching job ? Believe me, all kids are adept at picking up any weakness and you can bet they will pick up on this. The grosser the better. How will he like being called "stinky" or worse ? Something like this where the kids snigger, recoil and gossip about him could actually affect the level of discipline he's able to maintain with them.

Back to you - why should this be "nagging" ? Adequate personal hygiene is such a basic lifeskill - and if you share your living or working space with anyone else, it also becomes a matter of consideration for them as well.

No way would I want to be in any way intimate with someone like that. I deserve a bit more respect .... in fact, on the very rare occasions when I've maybe forgotten to brush my teeth or have just eaten something strong tasting, I always tell DP if he tries to kiss me. If he then says he doesn't mind, that's different, but I do not assume it will be ok ..... & that's basic courtesy IMO.

Yuk, yuk, yuk ...... I can only echo what Essbee has said and try to persuade him that counselling may be a good idea, and this topic could then be brought up there. Sharing showers or baths isn't practical long term and doesn't get his teeth brushed either ! I'd feel if I got into that routine I'd be like his bloody mother checking to see if he'd washed everywhere.

WHY would anyone want to smell ?

Rocklover · 06/06/2006 14:48

It's a nightmare, and I am getting fed up with it. He won't clean DD's teeth either, I have to do it! I must admit I am anal about brushing my teeth as I had a brace when I was in my early teens and was always worried I'd have some food stuck in it. Since then I brush my teeth twice a day and just before I go out if going for an appointment or meal etc. Maybe this is just the straw that broke the camels back, I keep wondering what it would be like out of this marriage, then I feel guilty because of DH and DD. Fed up!

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fairyjay · 06/06/2006 14:48

My kids come home from school and talk about a particular teacher who 'stinks'. Could you perhaps ask him how he feels about his pupils taking the mickey because of his personal hygiene?
Having said that, I know that if I get nagged (even softly Grin), I just get more stubborn!
Not about personal hygiene though!!!

jellyjelly · 06/06/2006 14:53

My xh didnt brush his teeth and they stank as he needed fillings as well so even when he did brush them which wasnt often they still smelt. He didnt wash either or do hair. I left in the end as i couldnt stand the sight of him and i didnt love him.

There were other problems before i get slated for it.

jellyjelly · 06/06/2006 14:53

My xh didnt brush his teeth and they stank as he needed fillings as well so even when he did brush them which wasnt often they still smelt. He didnt wash either or do hair. I left in the end as i couldnt stand the sight of him and i didnt love him.

There were other problems before i get slated for it.

bluejelly · 06/06/2006 15:00

Oh god that would piss me off loads. No advice. But lots of sympathy.

Tortington · 06/06/2006 15:09

i am occasionally faced with this situation and it will come as no surprise to you i'm sure when i say ....i tell him he fkin stinks.

and things like " i wouldnt shag you with somone elses vagina"

you get the point.

no kisses til teeth brushed.

drosophila · 06/06/2006 15:14

How about you stop washing - a dirty protest!!!

I'm not sure if you coul do it or how successful it would be. My Dad was like that and he never changed to the day he died. The nurses at the hosp tried to get him to shower and he would get real cranky with them. He died at the age of 79.

My mum hated it but Dad just seemed unaware of the importance of it.

Rocklover · 06/06/2006 18:06

Thanks for all the ideas ladies, I will try being more direct I think. Trouble is I feel pretty crap myself at the moment and I am finding things very hard and this is just another thing to worry about. I don't have any friends to talk to as I have moved around so much and I am currently not working. Also I don't drive (yet another thing on my to-do list) so I can't get out as much as I'd like, which isn't helped by the fact that I have chronic back pain and mild IBS. Sometimes I just feel like giving up as I just haven't got the energy any more.

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 06/06/2006 18:19

you've tried softly softly, it didn't work. i'd try the really blunt approach.

so he was ok when you first started going out with him?

Hoopoe · 06/06/2006 19:06

sorry - cross posted. sounds like you have a few issues to work through and it's all getting a bit overwhelming. i'd pick a couple of things to work on at a time and don't worry about the others for a bit. and it's probably worth sitting down and thinking very hard about what's important and working on those first. i think your health is top priority - it's no good not feeling like you have any energy.

have you thought about going to a physio for your back pain?

courageous · 06/06/2006 19:28

hi. i started a thread about my extreme dental phobia about a week ago. Just posting really to sympathize with you & to say i really don't understand your dh's behaviour, esp as you've spoken to him about his hygiene.

I haven't been to the dentist for years & years & i know i have bad breath (I do shower/bath every day though! Grin), ex boyf told me about it & my current boyf also tells me. I clean my teeth (& mouthwash) 3 sometimes 4 times a day & eat mints or chewing gum now & then cos i am paranoid about it, and the effect on my relationship/sex life worries me. I can't believe your DH doesn't want to do something about it!

You don't say whether he goes to the dentist, perhaps he has a phobia? although it does sound like there's more to it if he's not even washing that often. But if there is a phobia you will have to tread v gently - i know my phobia is extreme but i have even been too scared to talk to boyf about it because i am scared of being pushed into something i'm not ready to do yet.

Contributing to this thread is a step forward for me! :)

drosophila · 06/06/2006 20:07

I was talking to dp about this and we got to talking about my Dad. He was a farmer so I think the constant contact with dirt made him disregard his own hygiene. In truth I think he just didn't see it as important and if you think about it we as a human race have only relatively recently put such an emphasis on washing.

Ironically I now live with someone who is ultra clean.

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