Wobbling after going NC

[havingawobble]

I'm just seeking a little support for the decision I made to distance myself from my narcissistic mother and unpleasant sister at the beginning of the year.

I last spoke to my mother at a family funeral in April when i was heavily pregnant, she gave me attitude and was playing the "your attitude is bizarre" card rather than realise she had to change the way she speaks to me. She hasn't met my DD2 who is now almost two months old. My husband rang her when my DD2 arrived by CS and she said she was "willing to forgive and move on". The rest of my family have now distanced themselves from me and I'm wobbling about trying to take this approach. I had a hard recovery from my CS and wasn't well at all.

There's thirty years of back story here which I'm not about to bore anyone with. Two years ago I sought therapy to deal with chronic confidence issues ans almost losing my DD1 at birth. The more I concentrated on my dysfunctional family the more I realised the way I was spoken to and treated was unacceptable, my mother didn't speak to anyone else like that so why me? I knew she gaslighted so many things and others took her word over mine.

I feel I am constantly talking but nobody is listening. I wish I had the support my family gives each other, my confidence is wobbly again, don't really want to go out, I'm a nice person - honestly - I have two incredible children and a nice home, we were always making an effort to fit in with my mother but we were frequently left out of meals or holidays.

I know I cannot change them, I knew they'd stick together, but I ddidn't do anything wrong for gods sake, I've always always been shouted at, thumped, slapped by my mother - I keep trying to remind myself that other family members knew and did nothing. And that somehow for them to accept my mother is wrong means they have to also accept they too were wrong.

Just so fucked up. I even had an email from someone my mother works with telling me I didn't have to be in when my mum dropped in to see 'the kids' and I should let my sister babysit to allow her a relationship with 'my kids'. I wouldn't trust my sister with a pet rat let alone my children, and why should they get what they want when they refuse to accept they were wrong?

I have said since I went NC I'd be willing to attend mediation t build a better relationship but that has been ignored. I look at other people with their mums helping outand cooing over their babies and it makes me so sad.

Have you looked at the stately home thread. You will see that there are many others out there who have been treated like this.

You are not the only one who has been betrayed by their mother and yes it is sad that she treats you like this.

But she wont change. You are her punching bag. And if you nc she will choose someone else to fill your position.

It is fine to grieve. I certainly have. I have even been really angry. And now I went back to my home town for a visit and decided not to go and see her. Made the trip so much less stressful.

Keep looking after you and your family and it will get easier.

Don't cave. The fact that your mother inveigled some numpty from her work place to email you tells me everything I need to know about her - that is not the action of a loving or reasonable woman. As hard as it is you are doing the right thing and in your heart of hearts I think you know this. You don't deserve to be treated badly just because someone is related to you. I know it is terribly hard when family members take sides and you are pushed out - particularly when you are being treated unfairly - but you can make your own family from your DH/DP, your children and from loving friends who actually like you, want to be with you and treat you well. Please don't fall back into the role of your mother's punchbag, you need to protect both yourself and your children from any more of this dysfunctional nonsense.

You can't change your mother but you can change your life. There are loads of people who have experienced similar family problems but it's such a taboo subject to say you don't like your relatives that people don't discuss it much in real life. People who haven't experienced dysfunctional family relationships really seem to find it hard to accept that other people have and can be very judgemental about it. Try to ignore them. You have done your best with your mother to no avail. Now it's time to do your best FOR YOU and, just as importantly, for your children. Don't let this dysfunction bleed into a new generation, it's time to stop it doing any more damage. Stay strong, you deserve to be happy.

In the great lottery of life some of us got good mums, some of us got the mums we had. You are not alone in this and I grieved massively for the mother i should have had.

Yeah its rubbish we have no mum to help with the babies, but you know deep down she would use it as a way to belittle you and knock your confidence.

You can do it OP stay strong, all of us wobble at first. Xx

The deal with no contact (as I see it) is that you don't do it as a way to get people to sit up and take notice, or apologise or reform in some way. It's not a bargaining chip or a negotiations strategy. It's not a platform for mediation. You do it because you have decided to make a new life in which they don't feature and - vitally important - don't matter.

So it's a two pronged approach. You have to make every effort to make this new & separate life e.g. strengthen your social circle, make new friends, 'replace' the things families often do for each other, move out of the area, be fully occupied and happy etc. Independence & distance will give you confidence and the influence your NC people have will recede into the past.

The second prong is that you have to be 100% committed & assertive about NC. So all these people trying to guilt-trip you into meeting up or allowing babysitting or whatever.... stand up for yourself and tell them very firmly to butt out & mind their own business. When you're ready - and only when you feel strong and confident - you might be able to resume some contact. But only when you're confident enough to take charge and do it on your terms.

If you're being harassed by your mother's work colleagues (just, wow) change your email address, change your phone number. You've made the best decision for you, and it will be tough, but it won't be tougher than trying to make water run uphill with regards your family.

The future is about you, and your DC and your DH and your family have nothing on that at all. This may make them cross, as they've lost a part of their lives that they have grown accustomed to, but that is their problem, not yours. Stay strong, and maybe in the future there will be some resolution, but that can't be made to happen by you alone, so focus on you and your own family now, and all the joys and innocent hardships and everything that comes with being in a loving relationship!