moving location for my partner, planning baby - stressed!

[lucyB456]

I'd really appreciate some advice here because I'm stressed! I'll try to make it as quick as I can. I'm 32 and I'm with the man who I want to spend my life with. We're planning a baby quite soon, mostly because time is ticking and because we'd like 3!! The problem is this: he is inheriting a farm in the countryside. We currently live in a city, and I work part time. I always knew he had this farm and I know its sounds stupid but I didn't think the reality of that through, like I almost didn't take it seriously. In fact he's always told me, from the start, that that's what he wanted...a country life, with enough money for me and our children. He painted it as quite idilic and I suppose I had notions of this nice life, even though my friends, family and work opportunities are - realistically - all in the city. My job isn't great, but I enjoy having a bit of independence and a social life. His current work contract means he'll be working in the city for the next 18 months, 2 years max, and then we'll move, meanwhile we're going to try for a baby. It all sounded fine and then suddenly it hit me - I could be pregnant or have a small baby and will have to move to a new place where I know nobody. Of course I've spoken to him about my fears and he says he'll do everything he can to support me but that I knew about his responsibilities (his parents are elderly and he is expected to take over the farm as soon as possible) from the start and if I had doubts why did I stay with him until now. I feel totally trapped: he is a great guy and we have had a wonderful relationship for the last 2.5 years. He will make a brilliant dad. But I feel I'm being expected to make big changes at a potentially vulnerable time. On one hand I could be very happy and we'll have a nice house in a lovely, safe, place. On the other I could be lonely without my friends and family who will be a 4/5 hour drive away. Obviously it would have been better to move to the farm earlier, so I would have a chance to see if I enjoy living there, but because of our jobs it wasn't feasible.

A lot of changes. I am very sorry you have so much on your plate.

Is there anyway to slow down? He moves ahead, you stay behind for a bit, and wait a bit before bringing DCs into the mix?

I left to another country for a posting for my DH, and had to resign from my job, and I had a newborn with me. But my partner had committed to me though marriage. The relationship felt secure otherwise.

How is the rest of the relationship? He seems to have been honest about his goals, this is a good thing. Who would take care of the elderly parents? I am from a farming family, and farms are a lot of work.

Thanks for the reply! Our relationship is perfect: he's a kind, considerate and intelligent man who would be fully committed to me. Its always been me who is less traditional, i.e. about marriage etc. My parents divorced when I was young and I never believed in marriage (although I feel I might be changing my mind about that). He is honest about his goals, but he is naive when it comes to how I fit into these goals: how I will be able to find work, what I will do all day, whether I will make friends etc. I think he assumed I'd stay at home like his mum did (and he had a very happy upbringing) whereas I'm scared about losing my little bit of independence. We can delay, but by how long? I never wanted to be an older mum, even though its totally fine if thats what you want...I'm 32 now, we could delay by maybe a year but by that stage he still won't even have moved to his farm yet (he is working as a biologist at the moment). He has 3 sisters in the village, who I presume will help with his parents as they get older. I'm in a total pickle, and the stress is actually affecting our relationship _ I feel a bit trapped and I'm taking it out on him. I resent him for what I sometimes feel is this "great unknown" hanging over me. I've only been able to spend brief amounts of time in his village, and it seems fine, very scenic and pretty but I'm always half relieved to get back to the city and to 'my life'. Probably not a good sign. I've even been thinking of ending the relationship but its so hard when I love him so much.

I think if you are going to give up your job, have a baby and move to the farm you should get married otherwise you might find yourself kicked out, with no equity & 3 children in 10 years time. Just happened to someone I know (no farm though!)

I also think you should not assume his sisters will look after his parents - maybe they will think you should do this if you are living free in their family asset.

More positively, I think you need to take the stress of yourself a bit. What would he say if you wanted to stay in the city, get married and just pursue the careers you have at the moment?

You would be silly to have a baby without marrying the man first, and thinking through what life as a farmers wife will be like.

Assumption is the mother of all cock ups.

Take your time. Ideally by yourself and think about what you want to do.

If you are not onbaord, free each of you to find their true partner.

If you are committed, then I would second marriage to offer you protection, and also a frank talk with everyone on who will do what /when.

you're probably right, on all counts! I never believed in marriage until I met him, but I'd said outright at the start "no marriage!" and so I think he's afraid to approach the subject again. Thanks for the honest answers guys, they actually confirm some things I have been thinking, There is the option of staying and working on our careers for a while, but it will only ever be temporary...he wants to return to the farm as soon as possible. On the plus side (and in response to the suggestions for taking my time) I am going on a trip, by myself, for a month in September...to volunteer with a charity...very scary but exciting and i feel I need to do it before we start trying for a baby (which was planned for xmas!!)...so hopefully I will get a chance to see some of the world and maybe get a new perspective. My partner is supportive of this - he knows I've been saving up for ages and that its my dream, even if it is a short-term thing.

Your relationship is not perfect. A long term relationship/marriage is as much about having a shared view of your future and how you want to spend your lives as it is about 'being in love'.

If you both sit down and picture your lives in terms of what you want to be doing in 5 years time and you see different things, then you have to ask seriously whether one of you is prepared to compromise that vision.

It may be that you are with Mr Right Now rather than Mr Right.