Help please...

[whattodo2013]

Hi all,

I need some advice/opinions please, I may show this thread to DP as well.

Bit of background... DP and I have been together for 6.5 years, and have one DS (17 mo). Since we moved in together, our finances have always been separate, with me paying him an amount every month towards household bills which he then paid. Personal expenses (mobile phone etc) came out of our own remaining money.

Fast forward to now, I am SAHM to DS and only receive child benefit into my account. I had some savings from when I was working, but these are fast depleting! 9 months after having DS, I was diagnosed with PND and high anxiety. I think I am through the worst now thankfully, however am still suffering with anxiety.

Recently, I have been worrying a lot about how I would cope financially should anything happen to DP. Finances are still completely separate, I have no access to his accounts. He says that I can ask him if I need anything, which is fine (feel quite uncomfortable doing this though!). I am just concerned that should anything happen to him, I would have no means of paying anything.

I brought this up tonight. Asked if we could sit down tomorrow, draw up a budget and open a joint account for bills that he paid into. Firstly, DP says that everything is paid by DD so I wouldn't have to do anything anyway. I said I would feel much happier if I had access to money for bills just in case. DP states that the only thing that would mean I needed access would be if he died and that was very unlikely. He then also said "so if I died, the only thing you care about is paying the bills for a few weeks until you get [payout from his employer], not about me dying".

I had no response to that, no idea what to say. Took DS upstairs and put him to bed. Now I don't want to go back downstairs because I feel like I've been completely unreasonable asking. Help...!

Umm think he was a bit over defensive there!

He is being totally unreasonable.

My Ex was the same. All the life assurance was in my name (I was younger so it was cheaper) so if anything happened to me, him and the kids were cared for, but if anything happened to me, well, we were out on the street.

His attitude towards this stinks.

Of course you would care about him dying but you have to provide for your child! And he should want to also!

Sorry, but that's a huge red flag.

At this point you should tell him to make the current account joint or pay maintenance.

I assume you're not married.
Can you go back to work?

Why should you feel bad about asking?
Or even unreasonable at this point?
But you shouldn't have to ask. You should be able to access and have information about his finances.

You don't want to be financially dependent on a partner that keeps accounts separate.
It sounds like the first (second? Third?) steps towards financial abuse.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

An equal partnership means joint visibility, accessibility and management of finances.

I have an ex-husband who was financially controlling and while I was a SAHM, would not allow me access to anything other than an allowance for the supermarket shop, and child benefit which was paid to me.

When my attempts to discuss and negotiate were repeatedly stonewalled, I went back to work and left him.

If you are happy with separate accounts (we are) then you can get power of attorney so that, god forbid, if anything happened you can have control over his finances and vice versa.

You shouldn't have to "ask". Since he is working and you are SAHM, he will have considerably more disposable income than you, which is very unfair. It's also crap that you're running into your savings! Tell him bugger when he dies, you have a right to the FAMILY income now.
Something tells me that you pay for all the baby stuff too, since the child benefit and tax credits go to you..just a hunch!

It's not the having separate accounts.

If he prefers to have his own account, then he should start giving you money for you to spend.

And you should have as much disposable income as he does.

In the same way that each partner should have similar own time.

You are a family now. I do find his reaction a bit of an easy exit from a necessary conversation. You do not necessarily need joint accounts but you do need a budget where everyone takes part, and access to money without having to beg.

A family with one income is not a new concept. You are not trying to introduce something unreasonable.

It's significant that you're only a 'P' and not a 'W' here if you're thinking in terms of financial security. Leaving the day-to-day arrangements to one side for a second you have very few rights to anything of his, up to and including your home potentially, should you ever split up. As a 'P' you're not even top of the list when it comes to inheritance. So I hope that, when you talk again about managing finances, you also include things like making sure you're named in the deeds of the house, savings and any other assets, and that you have wills making each other the main beneficiary.

Whilst I'm sure you'd prefer him to be alive rather than dead (and vice versa), and whilst I'm sure you have no plans to split up, now that you have a child together, it's perfectly reasonable as responsible adults to have these conversations. Him getting huffy about it was, frankly, childish.

For the immediate finances, I'm fully in favour of couples having separate accounts for personal expenditure and joint accounts for household expenses or family savings. I don't like the idea of pooling all money as I've seen it go wrong too often. I'd have thought the easiest way to do it is for him to transfer a sum into your personal account each month so that, with the Child Benefit, you end up with a similar amount to the 'spends' he has for himself.

I suppose with the benefit of hindsight your response should have been

'Hahaha, very funny dp, i would be devastated, but thats not what we were talking about, now back to the discussion.'

Of course you would want to get the money, being devastated and grieving is bad enough. Devastated, grieving and financially fucked is awful and avoidable.

He is being childish and stupid. Possibly to derail you, possibly because he is scared of the conversation, or possibly because he is childish and stupid.