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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with the loss of my mum and my son being adopted

48 replies

StupidMistakes · 12/07/2013 16:11

I cant stop crying i had goodbye contact with my gorgeous ds a week ago and have cremated my mum just over a month ago. my son was always my reason for staying strong and now i have nothing, i just want the pain to end and go away but i know that it wont, it feels like it would just be easier to end it all and done with it and then i wouldnt hurt anymore. I miss them both so much.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 12/07/2013 19:05

That was really helpful soda.

ImAfool · 12/07/2013 19:30

Soda that probably the nastiest post I have ever seen on here. My dd is adopted under similar circumstances and I have so much sympathy for her birth mum. op your DS still needs you, your letters will be so precious to him. Please try and get some real life help. You can turn things around and be happy again, massive hugs for you.

valiumredhead · 12/07/2013 19:35

Fucking hell sodaShock

OP,I don't know what to day but didn't want you to think I hadn't readThanks

valiumredhead · 12/07/2013 19:35

say

TalkativeJim · 12/07/2013 19:36

OP, I am so sorry that you have been through all this.

This is the lowest point. Things can and will get better. As Cinnabar said - there are people out there who you will laugh and love with in your future. You just need to get through the here and now and look to the future.

Please get help, not only to get you through this bit but to help you put things in order so that they can be better than they were. So that you can make better choices, and feel stronger and happier.

Do this for your son as well as yourself. We are all adults for a lot longer than we are children. There are many many years ahead when you can and hopefully will have a relationship with your son. Get strong and live a good life until you get to welcome him back into it. You have two letters a year - those years will fly by. In the meantime take strength from the fact that your son has now been given more people in his life to love and support him, to help him start out well.

Good luck for the future.

Badvoc · 12/07/2013 19:42

I am sorry to hear this op.
From your post I would suggest working in your self esteem. This will help you avoid further bad relationships and in time you and your ds may have contact again.
Good luck x

CurlyFox · 12/07/2013 20:00

I'm so sorry about what you have has to go through. Is there anyone in RL you can call on?

brokenk · 12/07/2013 21:30

Please stay strong

CheeseFondueRocks · 12/07/2013 22:07

I think you posted on here when you're son got taken away. If that was you, I really think it is in your son's best interest to be adopted.

However, I still want to say that I feel sorry for both of your losses. It must be very hard for you.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/07/2013 22:12

Oh op, what a sad time for you.

Have you got some support in rl?

I'm sure your mum would want you to hold your head up high, get stronger, be brave...

Palepinkflowerinsummer · 12/07/2013 22:24

OP, honestly, I lost my Mum at 17, and I would not have been in any fit state to care for a child for a decade after that. Not just because of losing her but the instability it caused (my dad threw me out and I had no home for a while.)

I'm educated and professional but I don't doubt had I had a baby he would have been taken from me. What I'm saying is don't hate yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. Your little DS will grow surrounded by people who love him including yourself and children can never have too many adults who love them. Flowers x

PoppyAmex · 12/07/2013 22:33

Cinnabar that was a lovely, supportive post - it brought tears to my eyes.

Spero · 12/07/2013 22:38

Please do get some help and support. The LA should offer you post adoptive counselling. You have been through two extremely traumatic experiences, so no wonder you are reeling.

But I think it is more than likely your son will come and find you when he is older so this is not the end of your story.

sittinginthesun · 12/07/2013 22:46

OP, this is the time for you to ask for help for you. Your son is safe, will be well cared for. This is now the time for you to find support for you.

I have some knowledge of the fostering/adoption system, and this is not a decision that is ever taken without a huge amount of thought and time.

Are you safe now? Do you have people you can talk to? A good GP, counsellor, vicar, friend? Someone who you can turn to?

Keep talking.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/07/2013 23:07

Op.

I'm sorry for your grief and can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I am adopted and all the adopted people I know all think the same when thinking of their birth mum.
I promise you, we like to hope that you are fit, well and have a good life and that you have done good things for yourself.
The best thing you can do is live your life, be good to yourself, and be ready if and when your dc comes to find you. I wouldn't want to build your hopes up but most adopted people want some contact if only a letter.
So sorry for you Thanks

strongerandstronger · 12/07/2013 23:56

I'm very sad for the loss of your DM. Please stay strong in regards to your DS. i think at the moment you should focus on yourself. Seek counselling, cognitive behaviour therapy, whatever it is that you may need in order to fix you. I mean that in the best possible way. Once you manage to master this, you will feel a lot stronger, focused and your mind will be clearer in order to think and make decisions. Take control of your future and put things right in order to get your son back. If you can't get your son back, you still do this, so that when he is older he will see you have tried to put things right from the moment he had gone. I hope you do this and please remember that everyone makes mistakes, but what matters is how we deal with them in order to try and put things right and also to find peace within ourselves. Look after yourself. There is still hope. Hugs xxxxx

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 13/07/2013 00:05

Have you got a contact in the social services team that placed your child, op? There is a lot of post-adoption support available. I know you feel crap right now but its crucial for you to engage with as much help as possible.

MsFanackerPants · 13/07/2013 04:00

I'm sorry to hear what a sad time you are going through. You might find After Adoption helpful. They can be contacted on 0800 840 2020 www.afteradoption.org.uk

Original poster
StupidMistakes · 22/07/2013 13:08

A little update, I am doing post adoption counselling but 6 sessions I don't think will be enough. I go to my dad's grave to talk sometimes, and I have a friend who is like a big sister to me and who has become very close over the last 7 months, I don't know what I would do without her, I cry more than people realise though and still find myself just trying to hold it together. her brother messaged me telling me to stay strong, because ds will want to know where his mum is when he gets older and see me. I plan on doing him a birthday and Christmas card every year and keeping them in a box for him with a picture of me inside so he can see how mummy changed over the years. He's still my baby though I know at three he isn't a baby but I always said even when he's forty with his own kids he would still be my baby and my precious gorgeous little miracle

OP posts:
Spero · 22/07/2013 14:43

I hope the counselling helps and the cards sound lovey.

NotYoMomma · 22/07/2013 15:37

OP I am adopted and I cried reading that about the cards, its a lovely lovely thought xxx

stay strong ((()))

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 22/07/2013 15:46

I'm very sorry to read that such painful things have happened to you. Cinnabar and TalkativeJim have put it really well. Hang in there. Your son will come looking for you one day and you will be able to show him how much you have always loved him.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 23/07/2013 15:14

OP am so very sorry for both your losses, please do get some help Flowers

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