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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so sad for my daughter.

16 replies

MisselthwaiteManor · 12/07/2013 13:29

I don't know if I'm being hormonal and dramatic.

I had my daughter a month ago and no one has showed any interest in her at all. I have no family, DH has a large close family who I thought I got on well with. Some of them visited DD in hospital when she was first born, most of them haven't met her yet. No one has even given us a phonecall or text to ask how she is. We keep asking if they want to meet her but they're all busy - fair enough - but they don't offer another time that's convenient for them. They don't ask about her.

DH works long hours so I'm alone with her most of the time and it's so lonely, I take her out as much as I can but I had a difficult birth and am not very mobile. I'm just so lonely and worried that she's not getting much human interaction either.

I have no family and they weren't interested in me as a child, it's breaking my heart to think of her growing up the same. I know she has got me but I'm quite ill and can't help wondering what will happen to her if anything happened to me.

There are other babies in the family who get loads of love and time with DHs family so I can't help thinking she's seen as an outsider because she's mine, not one of their daughters babies.

We are so isolated

OP posts:

CailinDana · 12/07/2013 13:53

That is really sad and disappointing. Has your dh talked about it at all? What's his take on it?

My family is interested in my dcs but they live far away so i've made local friends who provide support and company. Could you do that?

outingmyselfprobably · 12/07/2013 13:56

I love babies. Can I come round for a cuddle ?

The best thing you can do is get out and about as much as you can and meet new mums.

I'm sorry to hear everyone is being rubbish but there probably isn't a lot you can do about them. You can change what you do though. I know it's really touch though.

stella10 · 12/07/2013 13:57

Yes I'd second that to find local mums will really help u look up local mother baby groups and it will all help u to feel less isolated and to talk about your birth experience. I so wish I'd found them with my first!

MrsBungle · 12/07/2013 13:59

You poor thing. It's horrible to be isolated. I have no family either and live in a different country to my childhood friends.

When I had DC1 I joined lots of groups! The Surestart group - the local library rhyme times. I paid to do a baby massage course and then baby yoga and then baby signing! I did local swimming pool baby swimming! Everything!

I loved getting out of the house and having things to do. I have made 4 very good friends from it.

I know a lot of people slag off groups and say they are cliquey - I have never been to a cliquey group and I have been to loads. I just found loads of new mums looking to meet people.

It's very hard having no family of your own (my mum died just before I was pregnant and I've not seen my dad since I was a child). I am lucky in that DH's family are very nice and caring.

I would say get out and about and make a little social group for yourself and your baby.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/07/2013 17:32

What a shame! I am not surprised you feel flat and lonely. Try not to look too far into the future whilst still recovering from DD's birth. The good news is she has you and DH. Try and get outdoors every day, rain or shine. Ask HV about what there is for mums locally. Anything from coffee mornings for new parents to mother + baby signing groups. In the absence of family, make friends.

Saying that, suggest to DH you 3 pay the inlaws a visit. I know it would be nicer if they called round but if you feel up to it and decide on a time limit to suit naps and feeds, I'd give it a go. And goof

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/07/2013 17:35

Oops! Good luck!!

bluehearted · 12/07/2013 18:27

I can relate to your post OP. Although slightly different, my family show interest and visit (despite big distance) but my DHs family make no effort. They didn't come to see my DS when he was born, after a very difficult delivery which resulted in him being in SCBU. We had to take him 500 miles at 5 weeks old for them to meet him and have shown no interest since. They expect us to visit, even though he is little and it's a big upheaval for him at such a young age (he's now 5 months). I have really struggled with this, feeling like they don't care and are not interested. Unfortunately I can't offer much advice but you should know you're not alone in this and sometimes this happens. Focus on your baby and you, recover from the birth and go out and meet new people! It's horrible feeling this way, it really is, but sadly there isn't much you can do apart from speaking to them about it. Which is easier said than done! Thinking of you and I hope you are ok. When you are feeling sad, look at your daughter and remember how special she is, even if they don't realise. If you want to pm me, feel free xxx

PinkGirlsMummy · 12/07/2013 22:04

Congratulations on your lovely baby. She is lucky to have a Mummy who cares so much. You are doing an excellent job by thinking about her needs. Could you approach any family menbers and politely tell them you feel lonely and think ur lovely baby needs more company too. It may be that they think you are a capable Mum and too busy with baby for visitors. Reach out if you can

Wishfulmakeupping · 12/07/2013 22:09

As others have suggested making friends at baby groups would be fab- we all make a fuss of each others babies Iyswim.
Don't feel sorry for you're baby by the sounds of it she has a lovely mummy and that's the main thing :)

Wishfulmakeupping · 12/07/2013 22:14

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/07/2013 22:56

Congratulations .

If it is any reassurance, at one month, your DD will not be missing anyone much, except you, because you are the best mum. You love here, you take care of her. She is happy.

You though will be lonely and you are right to be disappointed. I send you a virtual hig. Do try to get out there but do also discuss it with your OH.

Original poster

MisselthwaiteManor · 13/07/2013 20:03

Thank you all for your replies. Her dad thinks it's okay that no ones really interested, he says they will be eventually. He works a lot though so he doesn't really see what it's like being alone all day. I want to join groups but I can't commit to them at the moment because I don't know if I can get out of the house one day to the next, I had a EMCS with complications and it's taking me ages to recover. I take her out for walks when I can and strangers stopping to talk to me about her makes my day, that's kind of sad but it's my only interaction with the outside world at the moment.

OP posts:

Jammy321 · 13/07/2013 22:23

I really feel for you and can completely relate to you. I have a one year old and just finished my maternity leave (now just back at work). I'm Australian married to an Englishman, living in England. Whilst I was on maternity leave he was out of the house from before 7am, back just before 8pm. Before mat leave, the only local people I knew were my neighbours, all my friends lived in London a good hour away. His family are useless (no Christmas presents for baby, no calls to see how I was getting on, knowing I was so isolated, etc), they do live about 3 hours away, and quite frankly I have so little value for them now, that I'm glad that they live so far away! My point is that you will make friends, don't beat yourself up, your baby is one month, no matter how disappointing it is that your DH's family are not as interested as would like them to be, please try not to let it bother you. The baby / mum friends I have made are actually worth more than any of his family, because they can 100% relate to what I'm (and what you) will be going to. The groups maybe intimidating at first, but trust me, everyone is in the same group, you do need to put yourself out there (try complimenting their baby or their outfit) which I guess does become a little harder once you're past uni stage, but you can do it. Just don't be too hard on yourself, I think the first baby group I went to was went my baby was a good 9 weeks old or so. I'm sure you will find your feet and just having a moment. Please try not to get hung up over his family, its not worth your energy - you need all the energy you can get right now, so try and save it for you and your little girl. Best wishes.

tribpot · 13/07/2013 22:37

Oh OP you sound like you're in a horrible place. And, more to the point, I feel you could be at some risk of PND. Do you have a health visitor you can talk to?

Your DH needs to take some time off. You need some time off. You're recovering from a very serious operation and caring for a helpless and demanding human being around the clock. You shouldn't have to expect to have recovered yet, don't they suggest 6 weeks as an average before you're even fit to drive after a CS?

Whereabouts are you in the country, do you have a MN antenatal group that are still in touch now your babies are born?

It's just about possible your DH's family are trying not to do that dreadful thing people do to first time parents of coming around all the time and getting in the way, forgetting how difficult the first few weeks are and how much you sometimes want to scream 'just sod off and let me eat Haagen-Dasz straight from the tub'. (Just me then?) Unfortunately, though, you're having the opposite problem.

Your DH needs to step up. He needs to have a quiet word with his family and say that you're lonely and you really need some support and company. You are not being hormonal and dramatic, he needs to take some action to support you better, whilst you do all the hard work.

Bluemonkeyspots · 14/07/2013 16:16

I was the same with my dd1, lived away from family had no friends in the new area and dh was away a lot with work. I used to actually worry that if I fell down the stairs it would be days/weeks before someone found dd. It was a very lonely isolated time and I worried I would leave dd at a disadvantage by not seeing many people.

Fast forward 12 years and she is the most beautiful confident little person with loads of friends and is so popular with her peers.

As for me I'm on dc4 with dh still working away and still have no friends to keep me company! But at least all the dc have each other

StuckOnARollercoaster · 14/07/2013 16:46

Your little girl will be perfectly fine without company, the truth is that she only needs you.
But you need some help. I understand it as my dp also is out much of the day. Get the list of groups - most that link to sure start centres/ local libraries/ health centres are going to be free and don't need to be signed up to, do it doesn't matter if on a particular day you try but can't make it. Also I've realised with these groups that It doesn't matter if you are late - all mums understand thechallenge of getting out the door with a baby.
Given your recovery from a major op though don't try to do too much - i'm 4 weeks after just an episiotomy and only just feeling like my stitches are really on the mend and I can do walks longer than 10 mins.
Please don't stress about family - it's their loss. My in laws have gone on a month long holiday and it's their loss that they've missed the snuggly newborn days, but then again newborn days aren't for everyone.
Take care and congrats on your little girl

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