Alcoholic grandad

[caravangang]

I am a newbie, so please be gentle with me :-).

My dad is an alcoholic. Sooooo many problems and issues over the years, so many in fact that I wouldn't know where to start. Childhood of horrible atmospheres and lots of emotional abuse. My mother is still with him (I'm now mid 30s).

Things were ok, very infrequent contact with them, managing to detach etc. Problem is, i now have a little boy, who is 16 months old. During his very short lifetime, my dad has "tried" to be on best behaviour around him, but there have been occasions where he has been clearly drunk. I have confronted him on each occasion and things improve for a while. When I say improve, I mean there is an improvement on the surface, but not underneath if you know what I mean. All pretence really, but manageable. On the most recent occasion, I saw my parents without my little boy and he wasn't even there when I arrived at their house (at the pub). I just kind of felt that this was the last straw? Like he couldn't even be bothered to pretend?

So I wrote to him telling him that we would not be spending any time with him while he was still drinking. I am almost certain this is the correct course of action but obviously have doubts as it is not just me now. There is my son too (they like each other a lot). I want to protect him from the toxicity more than anything....but am I actually harming him in the long run? the best of intentions and all, but is it best? Or is it better for him to see what drink does to a person? Not sure how to decide! Any thoughts gratefully received.

Your son doesn't know his granddad from Adam right now so you're not harming in if you remove the man from the picture. If your Dad was just an alcoholic without the back-story of emotional abuse and you having to detach etc then I'd be tempted to say keep in contact but obviously don't allow any unsupervised access or DS to witness drunken behaviour. As he sounds like a horrible person as well, I can't see any reason whatsoever to increase contact just because you have a child.

Hi. Thanks for replying. I guess it's just tricky cos you can never be sure as a parent that you are doing the right thing can you? Am still learning that lol! Also, it means that my mum has to be a solo grandparent which is tough on her but its her choice to still be with him and she has to face the consequences of that really.
I just feel sad for my little one for not having a proper grandad. But my dad will not magically become the type I want for him ever so increasing contact will not make a difference.

What your DS has never had, he'll never miss. Cautionary tale follows.... My exFIL had a lot of personal problems, including alcoholism and Terminal Twattery. He was very close to a few of his grandchildren but then remarried and suddenly decided to cut all contact with the 'old' family. The oldest grandchild - then about 10yo - was upset for such a long time because he just couldn't understand it. So be careful what you wish for... sometimes it's better not to take the risk.

Hi there. I feel for you. My DS has no grandad relationship. DH's dad died many years ago and my father is similar to you, alcoholic, EA, history of DV among many many many other things. I went NC in my early 20s - I am in an easier situation as my parents are divorced.

My DS is 4. He is very sad about his dead grandad and rather bemused about the living one whom he met about three times as baby/toddler (despite NC I still have guilt and wanted my father to see his grandson at least once) but he has wonderful relationships with his great uncles and the other men in our family. I don't feel he is missing out at all.

My relationship with my father and with HIS abusive alcoholic father (my grandad) has been a source of guilt, anxiety, anguish, fear, uncertainty and occasional terror. My siblings and mother all have MH problems. I would rather not have my DS experience that just because one is 'supposed' to have a Grandpa.

Your DS will be fine especially if you encourage him to build relationships with others you love.

Sorry for going AWOL (have been on hols). Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts. Have mulled it over and feel sure nc is the way to go. My boy has the best daddy ever so already has a great role model :-)