I can't get in touch with my father directly - is this normal man behaviour?

[Levvylife]

Basically - I've been estranged from my father in recent years due to his horrible behaviour towards me, and I'm sorry to say that I think a lot of this is due to my step mother stirring things up; I know she has told him lies about me but he just believes her without question. This I think suits her nicely as she's managed to get my father's children from his first marriage totally out of the picture and their daughter together is the focus.

I've recently been wondering if it's time to reach out to him in some small way, maybe just a card or something, but I've realised that I have no way of getting to him without going through my stepmother. She opens his post, they share an email address and a mobile phone and I have to either speak to her or just hope that he will get any message I send.

So, is this fairly normal "man letting his wife run his life" behaviour, or is this evidence of her ridiculously controlling behaviour? On the one hand I wonder whether I should just leave him to what he's chosen, but on the other hand it makes me really angry that she has managed to isolate him from his family, replaced them with hers and is basically getting away with it.

This isn't at all normal. I am a stepmother and I wouldn't dream of interfering in the direct relationship DP has with his two children from his first marriage.

However, your father may be unable to run his own life if he has chosen a woman who is willing and happy to run it all for him.

No, it's not 'normal'. I would also say that while it may be 'ridiculously controlling', don't absolve your father of all responsibility here. He is allowing his wife to behave in this way which doesn't reflect well on him. You mention his 'horrible behaviour' towards you - I think he has more to answer for here on his own account that you are allowing for.

On a practical level, does he work? You could send a letter to his work address (marked Confidential) if so, or look for a work email address for him.

Well, he doesn't seem to have any friends and seems happy enough with that. Any socialising they do do is all with her family and he doesn't do anything without her and has none of his own interests. I assume he's happy with that and sadly I have to assume that he just doesn't care enough about me or my family to make any effort independently whatsoever. It just makes me angry that a lot of this is due to being weak, but a lot of this is due to her. She has either argued with any of my/our blood relations and caused a breakdown in the relationship or the ones she allows them to socialise with she has to keep in their place by mercilessly slagging them off behind their backs and making it clear that it's her family that are "acceptable" and his are all "weird". Including me, as it goes.

I would say that my step mum runs my dads life tbh. They are early 60's and quite normal amongst their peers I would say.

But she is in no way controlling, and if I wanted I could contact him (lives abroad) by private means or actually I would just ask step mum to get dad to contact me.

You have two issues Op and the controlling nature of his wife is the main one.

Do you have any mutual friends/family/acquaintances with your dad who could speak directly to him on your behalf?

It may not be acceptable but, as I've come across this before in my own family on more than one occasion, I'd have to say that it's not 'abnormal'. I don't think you should blame the new wife, however (which is what happened in my family), because that lets him off the hook and it's just too easy to make him out to be this puppet letting someone else pull the strings.

A decent person would want to stay in touch with his kids and wouldn't get into a relationship with anyone that didn't feel the same way.

Snazzy - you're right, he's very far from blameless. I have wondered if he is just totally incapable of showing empathy for other people actually. Unfortunately he's retired so that's not an option sadly. She really has him ring fenced. I could just call up and ask for him but I don't really want to have to speak to her and I resent having to go through her.

My stepmother is like this with my dad. I'm afraid you're not alone. It's pretty gutting, though.

And Cogito is also right: both of them are responsible for letting it happen.

Lots of people let others (or the state) run their life for them - it absolves them of any effort at all. Not nice.

My (now estranged) brother did this, with his wife being the 'middle man' in terms on contact with family. Only at the time we were all unaware, and when we got weird and wonderful excuses as to why we couldn't drop by on DNs' birthdays/Xmas etc. with gifts/cards. Made more sense later on when she 'fessed up but by then the relationship was pretty fucked up and damaged beyond repair.

It's not 'normal' but not that uncommon I think. Some men are happy to let someone else organise/control their life, and some women are more than happy to step up and do this, for their own agenda. Equally the same can be said for reversing the roles where the husband is controlling/domineering etc.

I know a couple in their 60s who only have one mobile phone, email address etc. They have lived nearly their whole lives sharing an address and landline so I think to have separate devices would feel wrong now.

The important question is what would happen if you rang the number and asked to speak to your father. I know you don't want to have to go "through her", but 15 years ago you would had had to ring the landline, so its not that different.

I think that the hardest thing is that everyone on the surface thinks that the sun shines out of her (apart from the people in my family who've seen her true colours) and she's very plausible and authoritative so people seem to automatically believe her. She even managed to have a dig at my Grandad an hour after he died (on Christmas Day) and served up lunch with a snide remark about how he'd always complained if he didn't get a hot plate. And nobody there seemed to think that this was inappropriate, she just gets away with everything and it's really quite dismal, and her daughter is exactly the same. It's started to make me think that being nice gets you nowhere, it's the people lying and manipulating that are winning.

"It's started to make me think that being nice gets you nowhere, it's the people lying and manipulating that are winning."

You can be nice but still assert yourself and take a stand against other people's bad behaviour.

This happened with my Father. He died last year and StepM gate kept right to the end. My Father could have acted differently but he chose not to. Nobody in the World could cause me to alienate myself from my children. Sadly there has to be a level of complicity or collusion whether passive or active in this process. My Father had no mobile and when, during his final illness, his sister bought him one it mysteriously 'broke' within two weeks. Never did I spend more than half an hour alone with my Father in the 25 years his second marriage lasted for. He was less familiar to me than my postman and local shopkeepers. I am a stepmother of three so speak from both sides too.

Try to protect yourself from any more hurt OP. Give him one last chance and maybe consider confronting her over it-not in an angry manner but ask her whether she feels she has done all she can to protect his parental bond with you. What have you got to lose?

Mignonette - sorry to hear about your situation. Have you managed to make peace with it? That's the thing I find really hard - I know logically I should just put it out of my head and not think about it, because he's never really been there for me (even though I grew up with him, not my mother) and he's always just stood back and let her treat us like crap and still it goes on. But it's very hard to accept that a parent just doesn't love you enough to make any sort of effort.

Bonsoir - you're right. I made a stand. Next thing I knew I'm out of the family and everyone believes lies about me. But better this way than still being brainwashed by it all...

No we will probably won't have peace because we left it until it was too late. My StepM has nearly all my paternal aunts on her 'side', my uncle is more suspicious but that was because she tried it on with him before going after my father . She also propositioned my Brother when he was 17-she is only a few years older than me.

Levvy write a letter to him. Write it all down, all of it. Then wait a while to decide whether to post it.

Our parents hurt us so because we will keep on giving them chance after chance. We hope each time, that it will be different. That is the power they have. Maybe you could explore this via counselling or therapy? How to free yourself?

Do you know, I've had counselling a few times, the last lot quite recently and the outcome was that I can't change him so I have to change me and my reactions. Which I get on a logical level but quite hard on an emotional level. The last counsellor I had said that he has never been there for me in any useful way, and never will be and that I need to let it go and stop being masochistic about it. Easier said than done though, isn't it?! I think I need to try the letter thing but absolutely no point in sending it.

Your SM sounds like a charmer as well. I can't believe she tried your uncle and brother as well!

My father is exactly the same I'm afraid. His wife ( can't call her step mum as she doesn't deserve that title) has gradually eliminated all of my fathers previous life. Yes I agree he should grow some but he is elderly and I think it is just easier for him to do exactly what she says. Me and my children cannot even visit now as she is 'too ill' and can't be left either ...... But seems to be able to visit all of her friends. I've given up now - his loss.

My ex-step mother was a gate keeper. After she left my DF he realised just how much he'd handed over responsibility to her, which lead to her throwing out pictures from my wedding and anything with handwriting she suspected as being from his kids, sisters or mother. An d she made a pass at my uncle, DH and DB!

Glad she's gone. New step mother is lovely!

crikey - are you my sister? sounds very similar to my dad and the wsm (wicked step mother) except that she's alienated her family as well. she is truly horrid - told eveyone my husband beat me up - of coure the more you deny it the more it looks real.... that's just one story - i could write for a soap the amount of material she's given us. dad just excuses it, denies it, minimises it and ignores how badly she's treated us. he's has allowed people he is supposed to love be shoved aside. i feel for you but there is nothing you can do to change it - they are not reasonable people and he has chosen this.

Sad to see so many with similar experiences.

I was told at 5 that my mother was gone, SM was my new mum and I had to call her that. I used to get in trouble if I forgot, I couldn't mention my own mother and any time we came back from seeing her we were questioned and bollocked accordingly. They made such a show of writing my mother out of existence and pretending we were all one happy little unit, but as soon as I questioned it (25 years down the line) I was straight out. Bizarre.

My dsd has alienated herself from her father and I am sure it is in some way my fault.We have a great relationship with her two brothers and with my two dc [all married with children as is she].We honestly don't know what we have done.We do share an email address and phone but dh has written to her, sent gifts for her and her ds who has ASDand we would love to offer support and help.She never responds.
My dh and her mum were divorced when dh and I got together-his ex left the dc and went off with another man who she subsequently married-they had a dd together.All three of their dc [teenagers] stayed with dh and me.
It started 7 years ago when I was having chemo and she and her dh and baby came from abroad to visit [we paid fares]. She left after one night.She won't tell anyone what we have done and it makes my dh very very sad.When one of her brothers tries to talk about it she won't discuss the matter.My dh is so very unhappy about it.She is is only daughter and he misses her so much.
Any ideas?This wsm would love some help!

Hard to say, thegreylady, there's obviously something making her behave like this. I guess the only thing is to keep trying so she knows that he is trying. Has he tried visiting her face to face?