Am I being clingy or is he being distant?

[ArcticMonkey81]

DP gets in from work - has his dinner and then goes off to do work around the house, faff about on his guitar or play on his computer. He does this all night so from dinner time onwards I don't see him unless I go and look for him. I've told him I'd like to spend time with him on an evening and he says he's busy trying to make the house look nice. Last night he said he'll come and sit with me to watch apprentice. I don't even like apprentice but I watch it with him as I know he likes it - he sat there for about 20 minutes, in which time he barely spoke to me and faffed about on his ipad and then he made the excuse that he needed to go and list some stuff on ebay. Off he went - half an hour later I went in to see him and he was messing on facebook.

I spent every night just sat in front of the TV on my own. I went to bed last night at 11.20 through pure boredom more than anything else - he said "I'm coming up too, see you in a minute" and it was gone midnight when he came to bed. He never instigates sex either.

He always tells me he loves me, sends me cute texts during the day - no red flags anywhere else - he just never wants to spend any time with me.

Last weekend it was 30 degrees outside and we had his teenagers over. We'd arranged to go on a day out on the sunday because of the weather yet when sunday arrived he made every excuse in the book to get out of it. I eventually said "look it's 30 degrees outside, I don't want to be stuck inside all day" and he said "well, why don't you go to B&Q and get us a few things we need for the house?" I said "I don't want to go out on my own! we were supposed to be going out together!" and he replied "take DSS with you, he'll help you".

We did eventually go out to the seaside but only because I insisted and then he had a face on the entire time.

Am I being too clingy?? We've been together less than 2 years - isn't it supposed to still feel rather new at this stage?

I don't think you're overly clingy at all.

Just two years? He's acting like a single guy with a room-mate he's not particularly close to, not someone in a relationship. 'Take DSS with you' sounds like he recruited you as live-in babysitter. He's taking you utterly for granted and I don't see what you're getting out of this at all.

I think if you LTB, he won't even notice you've gone... Give it a whirl.

" then he had a face on the entire time. "

I'd call that kind of childish petulance at not getting his own way a red flag, tbh. If his kids are teenage was his last relationship a relatively long marriage/partnership? Because it sounds like he's slipped into a rut of treating you like a wife of 20+ years, and not a reasonably new girlfriend

Not clingy.

And I think time to call it a day.

You're not getting anything out of this. Tell him you want out. Then at least you have the possibility of meeting someone who wants to spend time with you and appreciates you.

You sound like you've ended up as a glorified babysitter to his child.

Two years in should not be like this at all. Do not waste any more time now and make a new life for yourself without him in it.

Why on earth are you together at all, what do you get out of this exactly?.

He is not a partner. He is a fairly unsociable flat mate.

Not clingy at all. Agree with Cogito's first post.

It's ridiculous to expect you to be ok with that.

My grandparents have been together since their early twenties and even they don't ignore each other until bedtime. It's not a clingy issue, it's his issue and if he won't sort it out then he's not worth your time, seriously.

Oh dear. "He's just not that into you?" this would make me utterly miserable, its withholding affection and can really grind you down. I'd get out of it tbh, will be tricky to begin with but this can really mess with your self-esteem.

I do feel a bit like a live-in house keeper. On a Sundays I'm left to make a big roast for 4 adults and then I'm expected to faff about making a seperate meal for the two youngest special needs children with no help or thanks from anyone and then when everyone is finished I'm left to clean and tidy the full kitchen whilst dp faffs about in the garage. He has done a lot of home improvements since we moved in here and he's done a lot to the house but when he's not doing that he's faffing on the computer. He says "when do I get time toy self to relax?" But is spending time with me really such a chore?

Yes, it's a chore for him to spend time with you. He'd rather do anything else than be with you. You're OK as cook and bottle washer to his children but that's all. How does that make you feel?

I have just been reading a book about the way people with Aspergers Syndrome behave in relationships. There are some similarities. (But it would be daft to draw firm conclusions from an internet posting. It just there are alternatives to the arguments, 'He's just not into you.' or 'He's horrible.')

Either way there's a big question about whether you can get your own - quite reasonable needs - met with this person.

No way are you being clingy, he's a rubbish partner. It's not a relationship I could be in, I need my partner there, not all the time but you should want to spend time together and the sex is very important too. Great he does all the house but where's the balance, it's all one sided to suit him by the sounds of things.

See that's the thing, he justifies it by saying he's just trying to make the house look nice but why does it all need doing NOW and foes he need to be doing it all night every night? Last night he started faffing with plugs etc at 6pm and was still faffing with it at 11pm inbetween faffing on eBay and Facebook. At 11 I said "shall we chill out for a bit now?" And he said he'd come and join me in the living room as he'd finished ... He lasted 20 minutes before heading back to the pc

It's diversion tactics, that's all. Being ever so busy on something that has the illusion of being terribly worthy is just a big fat excuse for not sitting with you and having a conversation. Personally, I'd be hugely insulted that he didn't find me more interesting than a plug, E-Bay or Facebook. What on earth do you see in this idiot?

You are better than this. You deserve better than him. Hell, I'm better than him. Come to my house on Sundays, cook for us.

Does he actually realise how this is affecting you? If not, get him told pronto before this gets even worse.

Haven't you posted about him millions of times before?And keep name changing? Are you still flogging this dead horse?

So if you say
"finding jobs, using the computer and tidying the house every single evening is not having a relationship. You and I are not spending any time together and I am very unhappy"

What is his reply?

If he is 'justifying it by saying he is trying to make the house look nice' then it sounds as though you are picking on what he is doing ("why are you tidying") rather than explaining what is wrong ("you avoid being with me and I am hurt, upset and not prepared to live like this")

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. Something has kept you within this to date so what is it?.

When I bring it u he says he'll put more effort in to spend time with me in an evening and he does for a couple of days but it always reverts back quite quickly. Tonight he got in at 5pm - faded about on the iPad, had his tea and then set to work on the house again. 7pm I go into the dining room to find him sitting at the pc - I say "what you upto?" And hd replies "just having a break from the building work". Why does it not occur to him to come and sit with me for a bit during his "breaks"? The hilarious thing is he recently expressed his worries about me working full time as we won't see each other on an evening!!! We don't anyway.

I sympathise DP, it sounds miserable.

If you've tried to discuss it with him and nothing has changed, I don't know what more you can do except give some sort of ultimatum and be prepared to see it through.

When I moved in with my DP about three years ago it was a shock because previously I'd lived with my best friends as housemates and we always spent evenings together. But DP is an IT geek and likes to wind down after work by playing video games, plus always has lots of coding-type projects on the go. Both of which place him in the computer room/study while I'm downstairs in the living room.

I felt like I didn't see him enough and felt sad on my own every night but we talked and now things are better. We always have dinner together and watch an episode of a box set together. If he doesn't need his desktop, he works on his laptop in the living room. And while he can be a bit crap at instigating going-out type plans, he generally happily goes along with what I suggest at weekends.

BUT he will always spend part of most evenings on his own in that computer room. I had to accept that and not try to change him. In fact we are both only children so I think we both need alone time, I actually love me-time - just not to the same extreme as him!

Having read your posts again, it seems your DP always ends up back at the PC. Any chance he's looking at porn / chatting to people online / using forums or something he doesn't want to tell you about?

Argh that should have been 'I sympathise OP' in first line!