Keeping the spark alive in the sack

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Three years ago my 7 year relationship with my ex failed because our sex life had just died and by the end we hadn?t done it for 2 years. Although we got on very well and were affectionate, that side of things just didn?t exist. I was determined not to let that ever happen again. I?ve been with current DP for 18 months. At first the sex was great and frequent (as it always is at the start) but now we do it on average about once a week and even then it doesn?t feel very spontaneous. There are no kids, we?re both in our twenties (ok, I?m 29 so only just!) and I can?t help but worry that I am heading down the same path again.

I really want to work hard to make sure that our sex life is maintained as we enter the realms of the long term relationship. I don?t have heaps of confidence in the sack, having suffered from vaginismus for years and not losing my virginity until 23 as a result, but I do my best and mostly enjoy it.

I feel like when we do have sex we follow the same routine and I want to get out of that and enjoy good sex for a long time. Does anyone have any tips? How do you keep things fresh when you?ve done the same things to death? I don?t want to try new things I know I want enjoy just for the sake of it (whipping and bummng - totally not my thing) but I do want to keep it all alive. Has anyone managed this?

I think you're looking at this down the wrong end of the telescope. It's not your responsibility to 'keep it alive' That way lies demeaning yourself, frustration and low self-esteem.

If the sex is already becoming routine and boring, end the relationship. IME bad sex is often a sign that you're with the wrong person and if you're 'working very hard' at any aspect of a relationship, it's probably past its sell-by date. If he's saying he need 'whipping and bumming' to get aroused, and that's not your thing, even more likely that this is not the right person for you. Why waste more time?

When a long-term relationship is good, the sex might get less frequent but it usually gets more satisfying because everyone knows what the other enjoys.

Gosh, it's like that after 18 months, normally the sex most nights can last a good couple of years anyway if not more. All I can say is it takes effort, but from both of you, it can't just be you all the time. I kinda think too that perhaps this isn't going to last if it's like this already.

Why don't you try being spontaneous, seduce him, dress up, have date nights, it might be that he doesn't have a very high sex drive, again, this might be a sign you are not actually compatable.

" I was determined not to let that ever happen again. "

Do you think the decline in your previous relationship was also your responsibility and therefore also your fault? Sounds like you do. All the time you take the blame on yourself and are 'determined not to let it happen again', it can blind you to the fact that it might just be a poor relationship or even a rotten boyfriend. Sometimes things just fizzle out.... no-one's fault but damaging if no-one calls it a day.

After 18 months it shouldn't be this hard. There honestly shouldn't be much effort involved at all.

Hell, I've been with DP six years and there is still very little effort involved. It's sexy and spontaneous and fun because the relationship is right.

You are taking a lot of the pressure and the blame, and you don't need too. It's a sign. If it takes a big effort now, just think how much effort it would be in a few years.

Blimey - 18 months!? I sometimes get bored with my old man, but it's been 18 years! Its never that boring though. If it's this much hard work after such a short time, I would seriously reconsider if he's right for you.

Unfortunately, the default position of a lot of women who give advice here seems to be to LTB at the first sign of any problems.

''when we do have sex we follow the same routine and I want to get out of that and enjoy good sex for a long time''

I'm a bit confused here. Is your problem that it currently isn't very good or that you want it to be even more exciting.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with routine when you enjoy what you're doing.

A huge part of maintaining a relationship is honest communication. Have you raised any of this with your DP? It can be very difficult for some people to talk honestly about very intimate issues, but you really do need to be able to do this with your DP.

Perhaps your DP is also dissatisfied with the situation but doesn't know how to broach it with you?

Adding some excitement doesn't always have to mean doing new things - and, by the way, I'm totally with you on not wanting to do anal.

As Jan45 says above, being spontaneous yourself is a good thing. There is nothing stopping you initiating sex whenever you want. Wear some sexy clothes or underwear and just drag him off to the bedroom.

Although, of course, he is also entitled to have a ''headache'' if he doesn't feel like it. But, too many ''headaches'' and you might want to have more of a conversation about what is going on.

Another thing to think about is fantasies. To me, fantasies fall in to two categories:-

1 Fantasies that I think I would really like to have come real.
2 Fantasies that, although being incredibly erotic, I know that I would never want to happen in real life

Talk openly with your DP about any fantasies that either of you have that come under the first category and think about ways of incorporating them in what you do.

For example, and this may be way TMI, me and DH sometimes do a sort of ''naughty masseur'' thing where he gives me a massage before having his wicked way with me.

This works for me on a number of levels, not least that that DH is now really good at giving me a fantastic erotic massage

Then, at other times, we do things that really press his buttons. It's only fair if sometimes he's giving me an hour long massage that I do things for him at other times.

So, please have a chat with your DP and don't be afraid to initiate things.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I must admit, I am a bit taken aback at your suggestions to LTB - I love him very much and certainly see a future together.

In bed, he is very caring and giving and makes sure I enjoy myself- which I do. But yes, I suppose I do feel we don't rip each other's clothes off like we used to and that sex is more of a "decision" if you see what I mean.

I do blame myself because in all the relationships I've had (this is my third serious one) I do tend to reach this plateau quite early and could quite happily live without sex but I do try hard because I know it's important.

I feel like when we do it, it's either me on top or him on top (sorry, TMI) and I am not really sure what else to do. I am not very experienced at all, I have only slept with 2 people and as I mentioned in my OP had a few issues with it all to begin with. This is why i think the fault probably lies with me.

Incidentally, I do initiate sex quite a lot (but more often than not because I feel like I should, iyswim, rather than through any burning desire).

Again, you're thinking of 'fault' which is unhelpful. Sex is a two-man job and if you're both caring, both making sure you're enjoying it and both communicating about what else you like (and the 'whipping and bumming' remark says at least someone's made a suggestion) ... then there should be plenty of spark. If you do all of that and there is still no spark it's no-one's 'fault' but you'd be a fool to take the relationship much further because it's not going to get any better than this.

All I am going to say is perhaps rather than thinking about making the "sex" different (ie. positions, bondage, etc) - I'd be focussing on making the leadup to sex different - notes/text to promise a good time later (building expectation on both sides), telling him you're not wearing underwear during a dinner, initiating things at different times of the day etc.

There isn't really anything wrong with making the decision to have sex, or starting off from cold and encouraging yourself to get turned on as you go. I think that's quite usual for a long term relationship. That doesn't mean that the sex isn't enjoyable or exciting, or fulfilling.

Um, Cogito, sex is not a "two-man job" unless the OP is a gay male or in a threesome.

I have the impression, among the younger generation, is that there is too much emphasis on the physical side of sex, and not enough on the spiritual side. If all you want to do is scratch an itch, masturbate, go to a prostitute, have a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or whatever.

I like to think that marriage is more than that. I'm probably deluded.

The OP is 29 and unmarried. They think it's solely their fault that sex has gone from fun to ho-hum in 18 months, that it's their responsibility to fix it. No hint that he should make more of an effort and no acknowledgement that he might just not be lighting her candle. That's quite wrong-headed but understandable when there's only been one other sexual partner for comparison. Yes, there's more to a relationship than the physical side but, as anyone who has experienced the disappointment of fancying someone who proved to be rubbish in bed knows, in the better relationships there is both sexual and spiritual interest to keep everyone going through the tough times. There are no stresses and strains getting in the way here, no kids keeping them up all night... if it's this bad now, it'll be terrible when there's all that to contend with as well.