Hi Choco, belated Happy Birthday! Been out of the loop, had to search for your latest thread.
Twunt is still being a Twunt by the looks of things. No change there. You're expecting him to show a glimmer of reasonableness and appreciation. It's impossible for him to do that. He's delusional, a complete sociopathic narcissist and a cheapskate! You've been way up high, in terms of moral high ground, you need to come down from time to time and kick his proverbial arse! Don't make things any easier for him than you need to. I know you try to keep things on an even keel for the boys but sometimes you need to push back and get fired up to make someone back off and realise they need you more than you need them. He needs you. You don't need him. He could drop dead and whilst that would be tough for your boys emotionally because they must love him for being their dad, it would probably make your life a lot easier from a practical perspective. But if something happens to you (touching lots of wood), he's fucked.
It's a horrible morbid subject but have you made a will and arrangements in case something happens to you? Since he's raised it, can you influence him to agree on a guardian if anything happens to you both and get him to put it in his will as that might be in the boys' and your interests? Ultimately neither of you can impose anything on the other so if you think it could get political having the discussion, don't bother addressing with him and just make your own arrangements. Then make a voodoo doll of him and stick pins in it..
You mentioned cards/presents from the kids on your birthday. Not all blokes think of that even if "happily" married. Am surprised at how crap some of them are, kids are more likely to learn about giving if they have a role model. If your children's dad, ex or other won't take on that role then it's something I think mums should actively instil in their kids, particularly for boys to be great future boyfriends/partners at the very least! And I don't mean you encouraging the boys to buy presents for Twunt but they need help buying or making presents for you!
Unfortunately, you can't expect Twunt to help you raise your children as thoughtful, considerate, generous individuals. It's beyond his capability otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if he had a shred of decency. Going forward could you enlist the help of your mum and ask her to take the boys shopping to choose gifts for you in future eg for Xmas? You could give her the money and she should tell them what their budget is and let them choose as far as possible, little one may need more direction! It's a good way for them to learn about adding up and budgets. Might also help them get into a ritual which they can keep up for themselves as they get older.
Kids can get so excited about you opening presents which they've chosen or made themselves. As much as we might want a bit of spoiling, it can be lovely for them to go through the preparation stage and get a buzz from it too. I don't think many blokes do this for their wives off their own bat, I've shamelessly had to encourage my lot! But it's paid off, my kids are so excited about what they've given me, really thoughtful simple presents which have made my heart melt.
Straying off course now, dare I ask what happened in the end with TOTGA? Have you been able to maintain the friendship? Anything interesting happening on the personal front generally? I'm being very nosy, feel free to tell me to mind my own beeswax but you've not been updating your blog!