Could do with some handholding, please

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

DH and I are separating, we've been at this point many many times but I've always backed down. Not this time.

He has found somewhere else to live and is leaving here on Thursday. We have 4 DCs, 2 are teenagers and 2 are much younger. We are telling the eldest 2 tonight and, at my request, we're trying to hold off telling the youngest 2 until DC3 finishes school in 2 weeks time (I just can't bear the thought of her having to hold it together at school ).

DH is a workaholic so it won't be too difficult to hide his absence from the little ones. DD1 is 13 and knows we're most probably going to split, but I'm not expecting her to take it well.

I feel sick at the thought of all this, as DH says - I'm blowing everybody's world apart for my own happiness. I feel so selfish for wanting to be happy

Hand holding. Wiser ones will be here soon.

Will DCs 1&2 be okay keeping secrets from younger siblings? Totally understand needing to be open with them - and not able to hide his absence - but it's quite a lot to put on them. Sorry if that isn't helpful.

Wanting to be happy isn't selfish - you'll have a better environment for your DCs if you're happy

Thank you. No, I'm not at all comfortable with DCs 1&2 having to keep a secret and wanted to tell them all together in a couple of weeks but DH is insisting he has to go right now, in fact he wanted to go last week, so it's a compromise of sorts.
If DCs 1&2 feel that it's too much for them then of course we'll tell the younger ones too, I'm trying to make this as pain free as possible for everyone and failing miserably

Everything is such a mess, I have no financial independence whatsoever, I'm terrified of how the future will pan out and DH is unbearable to be around so all I can cling on to is that it will at least put an end to the god awful atmosphere inside the house when he actually leaves.

It will be ok
And
It will get better.

I would focus on the practical if possible:

• what exactly will you tell the children?
• what questions will they ask and what answers will you have prepared?
• how will you manage finances?
• can you manage childcare?

It's scary and daunting but you do deserve to be happy. If your dd thinks you are splitting she must know you're unhappy. I think it will be better for her once you have separated and are moving on positively.

Good luck,

Hand holding too.

I don't know how little the little ones are, but in my experience, how ok they are will depend a lot on how ok they think you are. I was also advised to tell them together and then to try and do something together (we all went for a walk), to reinforce that you will still be their Mummy and Daddy, come what may. I don't know if this is possible for you though, if DH is moving far away and or feeling uncooperative.

Please try and remember, how ever awful it seems at times, the situation you're in is only the situation you're in NOW. Things constantly evolve and you do have a future.

x

I'm blowing everybody's world apart for my own happiness.

So everything is entirely your fault? Your husband is totally blameless and a perfect man and husband and father in every respect?

I'm pretty sure - unless he is a saint - that the answer is a 'No'.

Please don't shoulder all the blame and all the responsibility. It takes 2 to make and/or break a marriage. And you and your children will suffer disproportionately if you accept this mantle of blame.

Yes it's very upsetting and horrible and a mess and it will continue to be so for a while. But it happens. Shoulders back, deep breaths, and like the Queen, don't explain and don't complain.

Tell them all together and tell the school as soon as you've done it. They will get support from friends who have gone through the same thing and there will be distractions - lots of ways in which they can experience life going on as always. Mine were older but it came out in messy chunks and they were not all together - I would change that if I could.

It's a question of trust now between you and the DCs - can they trust you to be honest with them? I don't know how Young they are - clearly it will need to be age-appropriate - but it would be a huge burden to ask the older ones to bear IMO.

Hello Grape. I remember your earlier thread. It was shocking to see how you were being treated - as an unpaid, unthanked servant, with abuse in the mix. You were ebaying your belongings to cover Christmas, and then your H bought himself a sports car.

It's great that you are taking charge of your life now. Are you getting some legal advice, re finances? This will help you see where you stand.

Saying you are 'blowing everyone's world apart' is sheer manipulation, very cruel, and completely untrue. It just reflects his discomfort at losing his no-cost servant. He might now have to shift for himself.

So - am holding your hand, Grape: it's hard now, you feel sick now, but it really will be worth it. You so deserve a better life.

Handholding from me too. I got told I was ripping apart a family, but the family minus one appear to be chugging along nicely. Not to lie, it has been the hardest thing I have had to do in many ways, as the EA did not end with the marriage. But I am getting my life back, and dcs are more relaxed as there is no tension in the house. I wish you strength and good luck.