New baby = Worse Relationship, what can I do

[Rookiemum]

I am the proud mum of a young baby. I know that compared to most of the problems posted on here this is pretty trivial but could still do with some input.

My relationship with my husband has changed since we had the baby and from talking to other new mums they are exactly the same. My hubby is great at doing night feeds, giving me some time to myself at the weekends, and helping out round the home but its his attitude to things that I sometimes find a bit frustrating. From talking to him I know he views looking after our son as a task no different from mowing the lawn or doing the dishes and as a result I have to give him loads of praise for doing it, very frustrating when I get little thanks for doing it all day and only get appreciated when I do "real" jobs like making the dinner or hanging out washing. Also when he looks after him its pretty much sticking him under the play gym or on the bouncer until he starts crying.
We have had a great weekend because due to an argument we discussed a number of things and we both made a real effort but I am wondering how long it will last.

I love my hubby and our littlun very much and I just want everything to work and I wondered is it just a male thing to see things differently and how do we work through it? Also any examples of insensitive comments from other halfs to make me laugh are good...

Hang on in there....it'll get much better. I think women have 9 months of being pregnant to prepare but men rarely start to adjust until the day of the birth.

Also, babies aren't that engaging for some people. As your baby grows your partner may take a greater role and desire a greater role.

I think a lot of relationships falter after 1st babies and it's not surprising because life becomes routine, more tiring and small arguements can become a daily occurence. Sounds like your husband is trying to meet your expectations though. Keep talking but also you should view this as a short-term phase that will pass.

During a strained discussion, my DP told me he didn't think I loved DS1 on week 2 (I think)....I still tease him about it now and he cringes about the way he behaved for the first three months.

He might be scared to death of doing something wrong and so needs loads of reassurance & praise (bit like toilet training a puppy I've found). I bet he's in awe of you really.......

DH did say after he'd gone back to work and came home to find me frazzled "he can't be that hard to look after surely. All he does is eat & sleep".

I know it's a bit of a cliceh but it does get better with time. Hang in there keep talking and appreciate the fact that he does help and he does do nightfeeds etc
There are plenty of men who don't

cliche even

I found it got better when the babies start doing more, my father was the same with my 1st. I think its a male thing, some of them just aren't very good at dealing with babies that they can't interact with. I think also its true we have 9 months of the babies growing inside us when so we normally bond with it before its even born, men can take awhile. Maybe you higher hopes and maybe coupled with a bit of baby blues then your more upset because things aren't excatley how you hoped they would be! Give him a bit of time and before you know it they will be inseparatable.

It will be wonderful soon.

Thanks everyone for that, its very reassuring that you all think it will get better in time. I just want him to love our son as much as I do and I think he does but in a different sort of way.

I had a similar situation with my dh. He takes dd for an hour or 2 every morning and for a while I was always thanking him for everything he did for her. I even had to explain that she came before household chores, and I got angry that I'd even have to say it! Cue Custardo's 'men are like dogs' quote. But now he's often wanting to take her when it's not 'his turn' and quite happily changes nappies etc. Things DO change, and before you know it he'll be pulling funny faces at her instead of plonking her under the gym.

Cut him and yourself some slack, stop worrying so much and start enjoying...

I don't have a partner as i'm a single mum but i have been with my boyf since i was pg and i can say that mostly because dd was so clingy as a baby (ie wouldn't let anyone else have her except me) he wasn't able to start bonding with her properly until about 6mo iirc.

sounds like my dp.No better 2nd time round either.I was very proud that,3 weeks after dd birth and mammoth breastfeeding seshs,that i had entertained toddler looked after baby done 2 loads of washing made beds attended to physical needs of baby and toddler and cooked meal.dp came in and complained that id only done one type of vegetable with tea instead of the normal 2.Of course ww3 ensued along the lines of do you really think i had time to peel carrots you selfish ungrateful git.Men I reckon they inhabit another planet

It is a big shock adjusting to a first baby though give him time Im sure itll get better as baby gets bigger.My partner adores ds 1 2.5.He says he finds babies quite scary as they are small,helpless and dont do a lot but scream and poo!!!

Mine loves our dd she is 2 now. Men have a odd way of ddealing with things could be your hormones. Try and get a relation to have baby for a evening. Go out and have a meal. Get some time together.

Rookiemum

I had to laugh when I read your message because I have had the exact same problem. Our little un is now 12 weeks old and only now is dad playing with him. All he really wants is for the wee man to be running about kicking a football! But I keep pointing out that he has to play with our baby and not just plonk in a chair. The message is finally getting through. I have just resigned myself to the fact that I will have to keep pointing out certain things but I know when the wee man is a toddler He will be out with Daddy all the time. I've spent too many nights crying over this when I had baby blues but now I know in 3 months time it will all change and in aonther 3 months it will again and so on. From everyone I have spoken to, in a nutshell, it is just MEN for you. That is why we give birth and nurture. They do not have the ability to watch the baby, play, do the washing, make the dinner (whilst eating breakfast), have a shower, put on make-up, hang out a washing, then get the wee man ready to go out. And all this before lunch!!! Well thats my life anyway. hahahaha. Hubby is now getting good at watching wee man on Sunday morning, whilst putting on roast and if I'm lucky hanging out a washing. More than that would be too confusing! As I said, this is why women give birth. We are just better equipped than men mentally. haha. We have never argued so much than what we have in the past few weeks but I now think about everything, (which I have just said to you) take with a pinch of salt, and keep remembering why I fell in love with him in the first place. And we do talk about it. He's going to be a brilliant Daddy as I'm sure yours will be too. Make sure you get a few Saturday nights alone to go out for a meal and enjoy each other again. It is soooo important.
Good Luck. xx

P.S. I came down one Sunday morning at 11.45am after my long lie and asked hubby, 'what have you been doing all morning then?' 'watching the wee man' was his reply. Me:'have you hung out washing or anything?'. Him: 'no I was busy with him' was the reply. (at this point we were talking about an 8 week old that fed every 3 hours and slept inbetween!)Emmmm....what he really meant was that he plonkd wee man in chair, watched him and telly at same time! God it must be so hard being a man. hahahahaha

Its really helpful to know its not just me. I sent him an email yesterday to thank him for going out for work and for looking after Sam when he does ( I thought it better tokeep it positive to reinforce good behaviour - back to the dog training again !!) and he really appreciated that and kept mentioning it in the evening. Also over the last few days he has been making a real effort to speak to our son and interact with him, I don't know if its because he wants to or because he knows that I will be nicer to him if he does, but heck if I can't tell the difference I am sure our 10 week old son can't !
It just takes a bit of adjusting to as before our baby we were both very equal in demanding jobs doing 50% of household chores etc etc and it is all changed now.
Anyway must go as I have stuck son under play gym ( pot/kettle situation) and he is not happy !

Well it sounds as though it is all coming together. We were the same with the job/chores situation and I think men just take longer to adjust. I keep giving my hubby gentle hints about new games Callum likes at playtime (simple things like clapping his hands together) and telling him how much he has missed Daddy all day and he seems to be taking more of an interest.
You sound in a very similar situation to myself, and I genuinly sympathise but I know we are getting there, albeit slowly, and I am sure you will to. It is hard when you are used to your routine and lifestyle then along comes a little bundle of joy to cause complete havoc and transformation in your lives! I admit, I have struggled with the change and I guess it changes your relationship with your partner as well. But talking about it is probably the best thing and I cannot stress enough, go out for a night/meal just the two of you. It helps us to remember what were like before parenthood and that really we haven't changed.
Sorry If I have wrote a 'book' again but I just understand and hope I have helped.
xx

P.S. This is hard work having a wee baby and a big baby!!! haha

We have been away for a night and my mum & dad looked after their dgs which they really enjoyed doing. It was great and it was nice to have some us time. Luckily my parents love looking after him which is tremendously helpful, but they aren't too near so we can't do that too often.

I guess I have to move away from the point scoring about who has had the hardest day etc. etc. but its really difficult particularly when i seem to be the one doing most of the giving. We had a bit of a discussion last night, I will not bore with the details but I was fuming. However I thought I need to move beyond this and sent a nice email to him because I know that he always genuinely means well, but just doesn't think through all the implications of what he says.
We are going on holiday for a few days next week so I hope that will go well, but I am a bit nervous as DH seems to think that DS can fit round our schedule rather than it being the other way round.

Please please tell me again how it gets better, because I am thinking that much as I love my DS now that I know what its like there is no way we are having another !

I hope you haven't read the advice given as 'try to be more understanding to DH' because I don't think that's how any of them were intended and you've got enough on your plate without having to sacrifice yourself any further. It's a question of managing both of your expectations until the storm has passed, as it will. THEN you can turn round to DH and say 'you were way out of order' and he will be able to take the criticism constructively and not in a haze of confusion and exhaustion. I think what everyone is saying is don't waste time and energy worrying that your relationship is disintegrating when you've already got so much on and experience tells all of us that you'll be fine very soon.

Your holiday may be a good opportunity to open his eyes a little. My break through came when DP was left holding the baby on his own and he had to take full responsibility for everything. After that he apologised and it finally dawned on him that this tiny baby was exhausting and no job in the world is harder in the first few months. Once he apologised we turned the corner. Try on holiday to pass the reins over a bit and allow DH to experience what's it like for you....you may even need to allow the routine to falter a bit to demonstrate why it's necessary.

Finally on your last point...I remember sitting thinking that it was a miracle that people had second children. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for quite a while BUT very soon you will. Your day will simplify, your tiredness will subside, your expectations of yourself and DH will reduce and your DS will start to blossom in to a little boy who is quite easily manageable and a real joy to be with. I'd go so far as to say that nature has designed it so that from Birthday 1 to Birthday 2, you have a great time JUST to convince you that you can easily have another. Then just as you fall pregnant your baby becomes a 2 year old and you face a whole new challenge! It's a clever evolution.

Actually I just remembered that someone mentioned a book that Relate publish called something like 'Babyshock'. Further evidence that certainly lots and maybe most relationships hit rock bottom after a baby is born.

some people just think babies are pants. i do.

and a worse chore than washing up too.

the only advice i can give is this. don't do everything - cos he will let you.

make sat or sun your day. go out - get shitfaced go shopping go for coffee - but go out - on your own. and leave him to look after the baby - after allt hey dont come with a manual and you dont automatically know how to look after one more than he does.

Thanks robin3 I have just ordered the Babyshock book from Amazon.
I also think you are right about the routine thing. There was a problem with bf so changed to formula but our baby fed often at night until we started a routine, actually the dreaded Gina Ford but thats a whole different thread. I am now doing a fairly relaxed version of it DH loves the results ( 2 whole nights of 7 till 7 yee hah) but keeps suggesting that we should just take DS with us when we go out in the evening, why bother waking him during the day etc. etc. and perhaps rather than stressing about it I should just let nature take his course, provided its his turn for night time feeds that is LOL !

Anniemac you are probably right about taking him out with us. It is just that I could not cope with the whole first few weeks of sleep deprivation and am now a little bit overly worried about making any changes to a winning format. But reading my last post made me realise that i do come across as being a bit rigid.

When DH looks after him I now make a conscious effort not to make helpful suggestions etc etc as I know that is destructive and unhelpful and I guess sitting under the play gym for a while is not going to be bad for DS provided he is fed & changed. I guess part of the truth is that I don't find babies that fascinating either and I am not enjoying my time with DS as much as I thought I would, although good weather helps !