How do I stop caring about what other people say/think/do?

[PoppyT]

Can anyone recommend a self help book or a way to stop negative feelings & constantly stressing about other people.

I have to work with some very big characters & a couple of quite rude obnoxious people who will constantly talk at me all day. One person in particular will make comments about anything & everything, he is rude & seems to enjoy it when he says stuff that causes a reaction, I think he definitely says stuff for shock value. I know he is attention seeking so when people react & tell him he's out of order he just gets more & more nasty. If people keep quiet he carries on so there's no way to stop him. I've tried ignoring him but his voice is just a constant & I need to learn to be able to zone him out instead of getting wound up & sitting there seething then going home feeling stressed. He is a team leader & I've spoken to management but its always laughed off & they just say oh you know what he's like, just ignore him.

Unfortunately he has to train me so I need to ask him for help sometimes a few times a day. He sees this as his chance to talk at me about crude or inappropriate stuff. I've tried stopping him by saying I just want you to explain how I do XYZ but he just carries on talking at me.

In addition to this my IL's are very controlling & critical. I'm constantly stressing about next time we see them & what they'll criticise me for next.

Sorry for the essay, basically I need to learn to be more positive & not let myself feel wound up & stressed by these people. I spend a lot of my time worrying & stressing about what could happen at work or next time I see IL's & I think I need to learn to not let them into my mind, I'm letting it drag me down & feel miserable & I want to stop letting these people bother me. Just because they have different views to me doesn't matter & I just want to find ways to be calmer inside & let things go over my head a bit more.

Thanks for listening & any help/advice would be appreciated....

"I've spoken to management but its always laughed off & they just say oh you know what he's like, just ignore him."

I'm not surprised you're wound up and I would advise you against hoping you can just 'not feel' it. Because you have every right to be angry by this workplace bullying and you need to work the system to get redress, not change your mentality.

Going for the practical/legal angle at work first, I think the response from management is appalling. Is there anyone above this management that you can make a formal complaint to? A board of directors? A CEO? An owner? This nasty little man sounds like he is breaking every rule in the book. Does 'crude' mean he's being sexually suggestive? Verbally abusive? Racist? Sexist? If you formally complain, get nowhere and subsequently leave, I'm certain that a good solicitor would be able to get you compensation for constructive dismissal.

For in-laws it's essentially the same advice. 'Stress' is what happens when you feel powerless to do or say something. Rather than hoping you can let it all wash over you and switch off, answer back. Give as good as you get. Part ways if you have to. You will always feel better about yourself if you stand up to be counted and make a few enemies than if you plan on keeping your head down, ignoring it and hoping it goes away

Good luck

He's very sexist & makes inappropriate comments about children. Everyone gets wound up by him but it seems he's been there so long that management just leave him to it.

My DH suggested I make notes on everything & just keep going to management or HR. until they do something about it. I can see me leaving if things don't change because I'm not getting my work done & I'm getting no support so struggling because unsure how to do certain things.

I try to answer back IL's but feel that I end up coming across like a bitch then I worry that I've offended people. I'm annoyed that I do this because they obviously don't care if they offend me.

I tend to dwell on stuff & worry I've upset people and in relation to work I worry I'll make mistakes. I've tried emailing to ask for training but he just comes over to my desk & starts so there's never any escape. I think he's the type to lie as well as he changed a word document I did & told me he'd reported me for the error but luckily I had a hard copy so I could prove I hadn't done it wrong. He got away with it by saying I must have saved it wrong then changed it!

Thanks for your reply.

Evidence is your friend here.

Keep a copy of everything you send him (as you learned.) If he says you gave him something different, take it further. On the document's properties it will say when it was last edited. Your email will state when it was sent. Your email attachment on your Sent email will also be evidence of what you sent him. Never leave your computer unattended; someone like this wouldn't hesitate to change your work.

Have you got a phone that can be set to record? If so, practice doing this at home. Put it on your desk and just let it record. If nothing happens, go back and wipe that recording.

What sort of company do you work in?

Good advice so far about work. No way should you let that sort of bullying wash over you.

As for ILs - what's your dh's take on it?

Just a tip on the recording - use it for accurate documentation of any conversations. Produce written notes based on the recording.
Recording someone is not admissable in the event this goes to tribunal. (Constrctive dismissal for example - which in effect if you leave due to managment inaction, this would be the case) But written notes are.
If those notes are challenged you can then produce the recordings which you took to assist your accurate note taking.
Also do not tell anyone you are recording, not management, HR, no one.

One thing you should remember - it sounds obvious but it often gets lost when you're upset: you don't have to see your ILs. You don't have to see anyone you don't want to see. If your DH wants to see them, let him. Be reasonable. If he wants them to come to your house, ask for a bit of notice and go out. You are an adult and you don't have to see them.

"My DH suggested I make notes on everything & just keep going to management or HR. until they do something about it."

Your DH is right. But if 'management' aren't taking this seriously, bump it to 'senior management' copying HR at the same time. Right up to the CEO if necessary. Most companies will take it seriously if they think they have anyone in their ranks that could land them in court fighting expensive reputation-smashing bullying cases.

A word on 'offending'. The type of people who bully others IME are very thick-skinned (and quite often just plain thick). When you stand up to them they will make a big fuss that you have 'offended' them but it's all wind and piss. Your supervisor sounds monumentally stupid, for example. You could run rings round him.

So risk being offensive because it's a hell of a lot better for your mental health to be assertive than to be all cut up inside thinking you have to passively ignore, let things wash over you and say nothing.

I know what MaBumble says is correct about the recording but I think if this disgusting man is making inappropriate comments about children, there will be nothing like senior management hearing him say it to make them realise action has to be taken.

What sort of things is he saying and what is the reaction from the rest of the office when he says it?

I'd love to know what kind of company you work for!

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

DH is brilliant with IL's but they kind of try to control us & our DC's. DH does stand up to them & they will listen & stop whatever they were suggesting but then very quickly move onto something else. Whilst they can be lovely & great company they think things should be done their way & can be very vocal & very snobby about people who don't do things the 'right way' as they see it. I just wish I could ignore them & just smile & nod and not get so wound up & irritated inside. We only see them every fortnight so could be worse but I seethe inside about what they've said & just thought I could maybe learn some calming techniques to stop their words eating away inside my head.

I've tried not seeing them but they just nag DH & say they want to see me.

Great advice re work & my DH agrees about keeping evidence & being prepared just in case I need to take things further. My phone does record so I'll practice at home to see if I can do it discreetly.
I work in financial services so if I make mistakes it can be costly for clients. I feel like he's trying to get me in trouble & is very sneaky although think I can handle that as I'm really organised so keeping documents & records of everything seems normal to me. I definitely lock my computer even if I move just to next desk. Thanks for some good advice, it's really appreciated.

The other people at work seem to argue with him & then just get on with their work. I'm not really that kind of person but I usually end up snapping & then he starts being sarcastic towards me.

I have a feeling that management are scared of him - as in they don't want to confront him about stuff & feel its easier to let him be. But surely that means they value him more than me. Others in my team get frustrated by him but just say its not worth saying anything as nothing gets done. I'm trying to persuade others to report him if he offends them but they won't.

" I just wish I could ignore them & just smile & nod and not get so wound up & irritated inside. "

If you ignore, smile and work on fake calming techniques you'll have that aneurism a lot quicker than if you pull them up short and tell them to shut the f**k up.... Do they come to your home or do you go to theirs?

His comments about children are calling them offensive names, saying they should be gotten rid of. Suggesting they should be used in burgers....

I definitely don't worry about offending him. I've said few rude remarks but then think I'm just lowering myself to his level. Plus it doesn't work he sees it as a challenge & has to have the last word getting increasingly more nasty & vile. I think he just loves the attention. Everyone in office will act shocked & say stuff like 'you can't say that' or 'that's disgusting' and he just laughs & carries on.

I don't want to be rude to my IL's, they are just different to me so I need to accept that & not let them wind me up. I think I do need to tell them when I disagree though & maybe just be a bit more assertive instead of just relying on DH to stand up to them. I will try it when we see them this weekend!!

"I have a feeling that management are scared of him - as in they don't want to confront him about stuff & feel its easier to let him be. "

His line managers may be scared but I think they're also lazy and very stupid. If you're in financial services you must be aware that public opinion of people in that field is about as low as nipple ring on a weasel. Bad attitudes, poor customer service, bullying people into taking products they don't need etc. If others are equally pissed off with his behaviour work together to get the evidence you need. Then present your joint complaint above the line managers....

We see IL's at both their house & ours but mainly at our house

My personal view is that when someone's in my house, it's my turf. People turning up just to criticise are not welcome. Realise you don't want to be 'offensive' but you have to prepare some very unambiguous responses that make it clear you don't agree with their view and it's not up for discussion.

'When you're in your house MIL you can do it your way. In my house we do it my way'.

(For the Hyacinth Bucket moments) 'Did you mean that to sound so snobbish?'

I'll get practising those comments - I definitely think I need to show her who's boss. Not in a bad way but as you say my house my rules.

I'm in work tomorrow so going to try to avoid him if possible but will start a log of everything in regards to anything I speak to him about. At least I only work 4 days so it could be worse.

Senior manager is on long term sick so I've been going to HR & other managers but think taking it right to the top might be a good idea. I'll copy HR in to any emails & maybe they'll realise it needs to be taken seriously.

Thanks again. Even just talking to someone about it & realising its not me has made me feel better & given me some much needed confidence.

She's definitely hyacinth bucket!!

I am the DD of Hyacinth Bucket... we even have Onslow, Daisy and Rose in the family... so I do sympathise. But they are thick-skinned such people and you can have a bit of fun popping their pomposity whilst retaining your self-respect.

Good luck with Mr Tosspot... 'Don't get mad, get even'. I'm sure, with the collusion of other colleagues, you can find enough good examples to make a very calm, dispassionate case why his presence is harming the organisation, reducing morale and losing business.

and to you.

Thanks so much. I felt fed up this morning but you've definitely made me believe I can deal with this.