Trying to start again with DP after split, I'm so confused :(

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just trying to make sense of it all in my head. I posted about this about a month ago when it happened- DP and I split up while he was working abroad, after he decided he wasn't attracted to me anymore as I was too fat, that was the only real reason he gave at the time. He's since come back from working abroad and apologised, he claims he was under a lot of stress at the time and he didn't mean to upset me and went about it all the wrong way, admittedly it was out of character for him. He now wants to start again. I don't really know what I want in all honesty, in some ways he's really trying to make a go of things again properly, in other ways I'm not so sure. I feel like he's behaving more like himself again, but then I didn't see it coming the first time and I'm not completely sure he's not going to do the same thing again the next time he's particularly stressed at work. Not sure what to do for the best really.

I think I need to differentiate between how he used to behave towards me and how he does now. It probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like it's my fault, I'm not good enough for him. He's not making me happy at the moment and I know that, but I feel like it's my fault he's making me unhappy IYSWIM. Or maybe I'm just in denial and don't want to admit he's not going to go back to being lovely.

It's not your fault, he's not behaving like this because of you or anything you've done or not done.

You have, however, put up with poor treatment from him and believed bad things about yourself.

He was never lovely. It's not denial that's holding you back here, it's because your confidence has been brought so low that you think he's the best you can do. He's feeding you negative PR and you're buying it. Once you get past that hurdle and kick him properly to the kerb, everything else will fall into place. Your confidence will improve, you'll stop thinking you're fat and you'll see him for the miserable, controlling git he really is.

Courage

Why are you trying to lose weight?

You've lost 12 stone* of knobhead. That's more than enough. Just make sure you keep it off.

*guess