Where to start? Single and don't think traditional monogamy is for me...

[msshapelybottom]

I've been married twice and am now single for 4.5 years. I've had flings and a very short relationship and since the last fling 10 months ago I decided that I wouldn't get involved with anyone until I was 1) content with me and my life just as it was and 2) much more aware and in tune with what I want/need from any involvement.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I don't want the type of relationship I've had before, ie exclusivity, monogamy and having to abide by certain "rules". I feel that type of arrangement would be stifling.

I would love to meet someone and fall in love, but I do not want to be "owned" by someone and be expected to behave in a certain way (of course love, respect and treating each other with compassion are a must!) I definitely don't think I ever want to live with someone again.

On the other hand, I don't think the swinging lifestyle is for me either. So is there a middle ground between monogamy and swapping car keys with your neighbours? How would I find like minded people? Where to start?

Oh, and I don't think it's just about sex, it's also about being able to completely be myself without having to compromise myself...does that make any sense?

Anyone else identify with this at all?

I've happily avoided monogamy for 20 years . Yes, there have been ups and downs and I have met some people who turned out to be not as nice as they seemed, but on the whole I'm glad I stuck with freedom.

scrazy, but I think I am looking for something "serious" :) Just not with the monogamy. I think/hope you can have it both ways. Or maybe I'm in lala land here! Being turned off the polyamory stuff is good too, cements in your mind what it is that you want/don't want.

I really do think that it's possible to love lots of people in different ways. I want to love them ALL ha!

Independent, thank you, just off to check that book out.

SGB, you are giving me hope. Enjoy all the freedom - I would never have imagined how fiercely I'd want to hang on to mine

I'm quite that you can envisage meeting a few different men you want. My mum always said I was a one man woman and I think she was right. Had a whale of a time in between mind you, but it's a distant memory.

scrazy, at this point in time it's purely academic, I've been celibate for 10 months

It's good that you know who you are and what you want and that you've had a bit of fun.

I don't want to be throwing myself left, right and centre at everyone, (I do have 3 kids, where would I find the time!) but I like the idea that I could if I wanted to!

Independent, that book looks fantastic, I'm going to have to treat myself asap, thank you!

okcupid seem to have a lot of polyamorous* people. Try there and have an upfront profile about what you do and do not want.

Waffly, thanks for the tip. I've tried internet dating and met so many assholes that I'm loath to try again!! It's definitely a solution if the itch gets too much though!

See, there's no way I could be celibate for 10 months!

laza, long term gain for short term pain! It's been the best decision I ever made!

I didn't even last a month after giving birth each time. Even when I haven't been in long-term relationship, I've had FWBs. One got a bit complicated but nothing that was difficult to deal with!

I've started something with a guy I met at university 10yrs ago. I have a really good connection with him and we've met up once for sex. I enjoyed just spending time with him too, but have been clear that I can't imagine ever living with anyone again.
Unfortunately he says he's fallen for me and I'm perfect in his eyes, so I don't know how long it could continue. After bring married to an EA I value time and space to myself too much now.

Laza, hats off to you

LaSinge...is that a bad thing? Can you see yourself falling for him, too, or are you not interested in more than a more casual arrangement? Does being in love have to end up in sharing a home? I totally understand the need for space, I'd go mad with another adult living FT in my house now I think.

I'm still determined to stay on my own for a while longer...I feel intuitively that I need to know myself a little bit more. I want to attract the right kind of man into my life, instead of the constant stream of losers which have been a feature for the past few years!

I don't think I want my dc to have another man ever living with them. Casual arrangement works for me, but nothing more. I found even just having him there in the bed annoying as I love being able to stretch out and not have someone there snoring. I need absolute silence to sleep.

LaSinge, I hear you! I can't even cope with my kids being in the bed with me any more cos I need it to myself, although apparently I'm the snorer

I just can't see me and the kids sharing our home with another man - we rub along so well together.

I'll keep an open mind, who knows how I might feel in another few years?!

Enjoy the man, maybe he'll be happy to keep things as they are?

My Dad had a nasty divorce from my Mum (she cheated), then he had a long term partner for 9 years before she passed away. He did some experimenting & had a few encounters with other people but didn't meet anyone special. However, he's now been in a relationship with someone lovely for the last 3/4 years. They spend half their week at their own place and half the week with my Dad. He says he'd never live with anyone again and if his partner gets under his feet, he packs them off home! He certainly won't ever marry again.

Not saying that would work for you but it's worked out well for him! No strings and everybody is clear where they stand.

Laza, oh I like the sound of that! It's the best of both worlds isn't it? I always loved what Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter have, adjoining houses but quite separate. No man is ever shitting in my en-suite again

I'd like their arrangement too. Everyone's a winner!

LAT (Living apart together) is quite common now, you don't have to live together just because you are partners or even married if you don't want to. For example, in academia it's very common because there's not much chance that two academics will get exactly the right job in the right specialty in the same place, and so living apart for part of the week/term is much more normal. It's normal for those in the forces. You don't have to live together or share your house all the time if you don't want to.

Mumsyblouse (love your username!)...I didn't know it was such a phenomenon!

I wonder how/when one would broach the subject..."don't bother getting comfy mate"...