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Relationships

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What to do when there is nothing there...

2 replies

Whatevertodo · 07/07/2013 11:40

I have been in a relationship for 7 years, both of us have children from other relationships. My children have left home.

Now that I am on my own with my partner, apart from when his older teenage children visit, I have realised there is nothing left - I do not feel anything for him, I am not physically attracted to him, he constantly irritates me.

The problem is, in the beginning, there was no real physical spark, just a mutual thought of we were both older (in mid 40s) and couldn't expect to feel huge waves of passion etc. However, this has dwindled recently, to the point I don't even want him to touch me.

He has various hobbies, virtually every day is allocated to one of the things that he does, however I like this as it means I can be at home on my own.

I have suggested I move out, but he was so upset and also worried about selling the house and losing money on it, I felt emotionally blackmailed into staying (his first marriage broke up because his ex went off with somebody else), he was saying things like "I can't believe this is happening to me again" etc. which made me feel really bad about myself.

I know that I don't want to be here, I want to be living on my own. Some of my friends have said that I must be mad, that he is a "good catch" that we've got a lovely house etc. But it is just not enough, I cannot settle for companionship at my age - I cannot see myself living like this for the rest of my life.

There is nobody else involved.

Has anyone ever managed to bring things back from feeling like this? Or is the only alternative to harden my heart and leave?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2013 12:23

You're clearly unhappy and, now that he knows you want to leave, so is he. There's never a painless way to break up with someone and it would be horribly cruel to stay in the relationship just because you felt sorry for him or because you have a nice house. As for bringing things back from feeling ambivalent.... sounds like there is no 'back' to get to. Sorry about that. Courage.

DonutForMyself · 07/07/2013 13:18

He cant' keep you hanging on because his ex left him and he doesn't want that to happen again. Also the financial aspect is not a good enough reason to stay together.

If you genuinely don't think this relationship can be salvaged, or indeed you just don't want to, it doesn't have to be a mutual decision, you don't need his permission to leave him.

It sounds like you had a pretty flimsy basis for a relationship and now that you are free from the constraints of DCs you deserve to live your life as you choose. Mid-40s is not 'older' its just the right time to start living your life, whether you meet someone else or enjoy being yourself.

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