My mum and toxic parents

[Bedtime1]

I had been reading the book toxic parents since Wednesday. I had to put it away by Friday as I felt very angry and quite sad. The information was turning over and over in my mind , I think I felt very stressed. I haven't been sleeping well all last week and been ill. Maybe emotional stuff has more of an impact on your health than you realise or think.

I'm writing because of two things really. She has suggested counselling for her and 3 sisters but this was not after an argument.
The thing is I don't know if I think that's any good because really the text she sent wasn't about anything shed done. She said the only thing she had ever done was split up with my father so in other words that's the only thing that we have reason to be upset about. No mention of how she handled it and that affected us girls . Also looking back it was a good thing that they split up. She has this warped view that's what we are annoyed at. I don't see there's any point in counselling really if she can't see how she has behaved over years and to this day.
What do you think? Is it possible at all if she doesn't acknowledge anything?

Also the other thing she hasn't rang or text since Friday. I'm beginning to think I am happier without all the stress. I just feel everytime I talk to her it's all about herself she makes me feel crap. It's one issue after another constantly and this is every week. It changes or she adds in a new problem. ( none of the issues are true what i will give examples of perhaps just money which most people have those worries ) Eg cancer, her being I'll, how much she's struggling, how bad her money issues are, getting repossessed every week, she always finds someone who she wants me to feel sorry for as well as herself. Then she spends her time bad mouthing my older sister or my dad then adds in some remarks about how dad might have said something bad about me, I'm lucky if I don't get a dig, or it might be about younger sister who she wants me to feel sorry for. It's like she's okay. It's all plain negative really. I am all for helping people which is why I've listened to all this for so long every week, but I feel with her it's to make herself a victim eg she's the only one struggling in life and has it worse than anyone else, I couldn't possibly have it worse. Then in turn if she's the victim and I feel sorry it gets her attention plus this need to make me feel like I always need to help her. Like I am her responsibility all the time, like I'm the parent here. Also she guilt trips me to in a way. I think I've realised through reading some of the toxic parents book that it stops me focussing on my own life. It keeps me in a cycle of stress and always worrying. She doesn't care about this.

I don't want to sound selfish but I'm sick of her going on about stuff all the time. It's all about her. I have problems too which are hard and she never bothers about worrying me when i Have my own troubles and I never tell her about most of my problems.

Also what set alarm bells ringing was my older sister. Shes very much like my mum but doesn't get on with her. Shes very self centred and selfish.
I've realised now the only reason she wants visitors (she lives away) is to have a babysitter that's it. She's not bothered about seeing the visitor just wants a babysitter and thinks along the lines of what can they do for her. She never ever thinks what can I do for them ever. She never makes her guests feel welcome and moans about them eating any food. Well she hardly gets anything in anyway.

She goes every year with the kids and her partner to stay in his parents holiday home. This is all free and food etc. the parents are usually there too and family members. She's invited younger sister to go but it shocked me because she said at least I'll have a babysitter. She said if she was going on a holiday that they had to pay for then she wouldn't be invited.

I've realised how selfish mum and older one is. Although we have both had troubles with same mum and I sympathise with that, however she seems to treat everyone like a commodity even the ones who are nice and kind to her. Like my mum she never asks how I am when she rings. It's usually just again a rant about all her none existent issues.

Anyway I'm fed up of this and was really wanting support on backing away as I really feel they worry me all the time with issues that arent really there and also very negative and I end up feeling drained and lose focus on sorting my own life out. I've got anxiety etc and they know and I need to work on this for me.

Sorry the counselling was suggested after an argument and a flare up for a few days with the family.

Absolutely no to any counselling with this toxic bunch of people. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions so any counselling would be a wasted effort in the first place. Also joint counselling is never advised where there has been abuse. It could well be used as another sounding board to talk about her again.

I would suggest you detach further from them all because all they will do ultimately is drag you down with them. You as a child now adult of toxic parenting is in a FOG state; fear, obligation, guilt. You can break free of this state but I would seriously look into counselling for your own self and certainly not with them being present.

It is NOT your fault your mother (and by turn her eldest sister who seems to be out of the same mould) is like this, her own birth family unleashed that lot of damage on her. Do you know anything about what her own childhood was like?

I would read up on NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and see if that tallies. It is likely that she has some form of personality disorder.

Thanks for the reply. Yes I think I will look into counselling again. Any ideas which type I might need. ive tried Cbt it didn't really help.
When mum said we all should got to counselling I presume she meant family counselling. Her words in text were " why cant we all just put the past behind us and get along and stop this tittle tattling. I think as we discussed it would be a good idea for all 4 of us to go counselling. This is no good fighting we all should move forward everyone being open and honest, we are family not enemies and it feels like things are constantly being said behind backs which is detrimental to trust. There is a lack of caring for each other" this text was said after a fall out, basically I also told younger sister what mum was like because she says things like " mums the most wonderful mum in the world" also she defends mum on every action, mums manipulative but even to the point if she hit me shed still say it was my fault mum had hit me.

Also some of the words in the text like lack of caring, she's having a laugh as I have spent most of my life caring, wanting a normal healthy mother daughter relationship and I have been given responsibility of a parental role for all of my family . I'm the one there to take responsibility for them and sort there life out. It's never been the other way round or about me and my life. No thought and if they don't get what they want then you will feel bad.

When I have read all about NPD I'd say she has most traits.
Well having asked about mums birth family . I do sympathise with her as it seems it was very dysfunctional. Her dad left as a baby and she grew up with her mother mostly. She has an older brother much older so he moved out when she was still young. He took on like a father figure role even when he moved out and had his own family. She never met her dad, but i have found some old letters recently from my mums dad to her explaining why he left and it's weird but I loved my grandma to bits. But he has described the behaviour of my gran exactly the same as my mum and that's why he left. You know this sense of entitlement, unreasonable behaviour etc. he said he basically couldn't deal with my grandma anymore. She told him to leave in the end with no reason just that her and the kids didn't need him anymore, btheir stated a lot how she took his wages every week and spent most of it and gave him back what she deemed fit.
I must add I remember through my childhood my uncle (mums brother) always coming round as my parents brought my uncle into it a lot eg to sort out there money issues etc . The thing is though they never listen to anyone! I always think well why bother asking him to come round then.

My mum and dad are split up but she doesn't see her brother anymore. It was once at Christmas but now he hasnt seen her in say 2 years. Through Facebook she invited her brothers uncle over at Christmas last year and he must have stepped in and said something to his son as he cancelled it. My uncle wants to keep them apart. She didn't even go to her nephew wedding as his reason which she did tell me this which I think was odd as normally mum lies, was because he was worried they would argue at the wedding.

Mum still makes up all sorts of reasons why he doesn't want to see her. It feels made up. It's never anything she's done. She's even blamed me once of twice.

Now obviously I have felt so sad about her not having a dad etc to grow up with and her past hasn't been great on the family front, and I feel guilty for backing off but it still doesn't change she's manipulative, lies, never takes blame or responsibility, never says sorry, guilt trips, makes my life miserable, turned little sister against me etc and it's become too much. What I really mean is how long do I keep saying its her past that's why she's like this and let her destroy my life in the meantime. I mean you'd have thought she would have a choice on how she behaves.

Sorry I meant her brothers son she invited over

Also I'm really worried about ending up like my sister and mum. Also my dad wasn't great. He's been emotionally abusive to me over the years and also hit me with slippers as a child. I'm scared that if say gran was like mum then older sister has become same then what about me? I mean will I end up with this. It worries me. I know I am not selfish and self centred like them.

I'm also upset as my gran I loved her and she always stood by me as a child. I felt loved and to think she could have been similar to mum it breaks my heart.