I just need to vent. I am so annoyed/frustrated/angry/tearful

[ariane5]

I don't know what else to say. Dh has really annoyed me today. I had thought recently we were making progress but the last week things have slipped.

To be honest I think we are drifting apart. Never spend any time as a couple and I almost feel 'awkward' around him now.

We have 4 dcs with serious health problems and we are both exhausted as have health issues ourselves. Money is another issue, I am in charge of the finances as dh ends up lending to feckless members of his family or buying what he cannot afford.
Also he is going on a 10 day holoday alone in aug and tbh I am massively pissed off that he is going.

We had a row today as he said he needed new clothes for holiday I said I'd get some from primark/h and m as its not too expensive and he said he wants better make ones and I lost my temper. I'm working to a tigfht budget with our finances and he doesn't understand that he can't have the best of stuff. He criticised a pair of asda shorts I had once got him so I cut them up and threw them away, took my wedding ring off and cried. It doesn't help I have pmt but I'm at the end of my tether.

I really feel like we cannot ever go back to how we once were too much has been said/done and we have drifted apart I think.

I get the impression he hankers after an easy life, relaxing holidays and dcs seem too much for him to deal with.

I'm so fed up.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day.

In terms of the finances can you give him (and you, to make it fair) some kind of allowance (not suggesting you negotiate this after a row today, but longer-term) so that you can both choose to spend on holiday/clothes/whatever you want for yourselves and when it runs out, it runs out?

Of course he hankers after an easy life... I bet you do too... most of us do!

BUT you're in this together and need to ensure you both get breaks.

Chin up!

I have tried that, I transfer some money each week to his account but if it runs out he goes iverdrawn and gets credit cards which I then have to take, it makes me feel controlling but I can't have him spending what I need for bills/running up debts.

I have to take his debit card or he will waste money on lunches/coffees/drinks/anything which will add up to hundreds in a few weeks (I go through his statement).

And I'm so annoyed he thinks its ok to go on holiday. Do I have any right to put my foot down and tell him not to go? I want to.

Are you his mum?

It sounds like it

I don't know how much of that is you and how much of it is him - but I wouldn't want to be with someone I had to watch like a teenager. Of course he wants an easier life - who wouldn't, when you've 4 ill children? I'm sure you would too.

I hate having to take cards/check statements etc but if I don't he wastes money or worse lends to family (who never repay) and with 4 dcs we have to be careful with our money.

I'm just annoyed today. A combination of pmt, too hot and too much to do. Dh just doesn't get why I'm annoyed about him spending money we havnt got and going on holiday. I'm tired and frustrated and it makes me angry.

I deserve better than this.

Why does he not get it? How old is he? And don't look for excuses why it's your fault - 'pmt, too hot, too much to do' - he's the one acting like an irresponsible teenager...

You say that 'you are in charge of the finances' but it doesn't sound like he really thinks you are - maybe in his mind, you take care of the everyday stuff so he doesn't have to think about it, and he just spends what he likes! Why do you take on his credit cards that you never agreed with and he runs up bills on - they at least could remain his problem Cosby they?

Cosby?? How did that happen? 'Couldnt' of course.

I just wish I could say to him that for, say, 3 months he was in charge of the finances. Then he would see exactly what we have to pay, the bills,food etc etc and how tight it is then he would realise why we can't have 'treats'.

Unfortunately I think if I did do that he would just get us in more debt, give up then I'd have a bigger mess to deal with. Just want to scream.

Never mind HIM going on a 10 day holiday, the selfish twat, what about you and kids?
Ungrateful git, having a paddy because he wanted fancy clothes.
Yes, you are right You do deserve better

Just read that back to myself and it seems a bit harsh, it wasnt meant to. x

How does he react if you sit down together and look at a 'in/out' sheet showing total income, necessary outgoings, what's left (if anything) and why there's no spending money? What was his family like - did they run up debts too?

I don't know your circumstances, and I don't want to seem harsh, but honestly, why are you with him? He doesn't seem to be contributing anything. You already have enough to deal with, don't you think it might be easier to separate everything, including finances?

You might find it easier to manage living separately, in control of your own money, and no responsibility for his debts and fecklessness, particularly his family.

Ariane: Sorry I have no suggestions for you.
But I do know that many £££s can be frittered away buying coffees, sandwiches, lunches, cakes, newspapers.

Why is he getting a 10 day break and you're not?

Best wishes to you all.

I can't put my finger on why but I do feel it is possible you can get through this. Things do have to change, though.

What was the trigger for you to take over the finances? Was it a mutual decision? Were you going bankrupt?

Might it be better if he did go bankrupt so that he's restricted from getting credit? I actually don't know the rules about married couples and debt, would you be liable for credit cards he took out in his own name?

How long have you been married?

Is he the DCs father?

We have been married just over a year but together on and off for last 13 years. Yes he is dcs father.

I took over finances as he kept lending to family and would spend too much on 'treats' even toys for dcs which then left us short for bills. His wages go into my account now and I transfer back to him what he needs-he only has 'his' bills come out from his account (car insurance, phone, aa membership) so that his account is still being used.

I tried to talk to him again this evening but I ended up in tears as he can't see how we just don't have the money to get the 'best' of everything.

I honestly feel like what we had is just lost. All we speak about is dcs and their problems and money. We have nothing oin common, his family never thought I was good enough for him, he detests my family and I feel awkward and embarassed around him now. I am tired and not looking my best and I feel like he notices that as he never compliments me anymore.
He never ever sleeps in our bedroom anymore and he just irritates me.

I think you know what you have to do.
You are not his mother. He has to take responsbility. You are better off being responsible for 1 less.

I'd ask him to move out for a month to his mother's and see how you feel after that

My hear sinks everytime I see one of your threads

He sounds like a childish,entitled ,selfish twat TBH.

wtf is he doing swanning off on a 10 day holiday while you look after 4 sick kids??

What if you changed the locks and took all his clothes to his parents during his holiday?

ariane you were given some really good advice and encouragement on your last AIBU thread.......what happened since then?

You have 4 DC with serious health problems and he is going away on holiday on his own for 10 days in August???

Jesus wept.

Op you have been told time and time again to kick this manchild into touch.But you never listen.Yes you do have a right to tell him that no fuckin way is he going on this boys holiday.But I bet you wont :'(