How do I make friends/be a better friend?

[autumnalface]

I feel really embarrassed posting this, but am feeling so very lonely that I have decided to take the plunge and do so. Feel free to kick me for being so schoolgirlish, but I feel I have a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.
I've come to the conclusion that although it's partly circumstance - friends that I was close to have moved away, become friends with others - since I've had children, I don't seem to have any good friends that I can really talk to - say honestly about my struggles with parenting, worries in life, even vent about DP when he's annoying me.
I don't seem to be able to make connections. I think it may be because I'm worrying too much about being judged about being a part time working mum - I'm neither a full time WOHM or SAHM so I can't really claim to be either and seem to be doing both bits badly which I feel ashamed of. None of the people I work with are my age or in my situation (all younger) so I can't really talk to them, and because I'm not doing nursery pick-up every day, I only see the mums there briefly.
But really I think it's me - I just don't seem to have the knack of making, and keeping friends, in a way lots of other people seem to. And I don't know quite how to jump into things to make those friends. Even when I've gone to toddler groups and stuff I make lots of casual acquaintances but not the sort of friend you could ring up at the last minute to say 'help!' or even 'let's go to the seaside, it's a sunny day'.
I don't know what to do. I just feel a bit desperate and alone sometimes, which probably means I am giving off saddo desperate vibes anyway . And I should make clear. DP is great, but sometimes you just want someone outside the home as well to share a joke with, or a whinge.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Yes! I feel the same. I have no good friends locally and I think I try too hard to be friendly and maybe that scares people off. I smile and say hello and have the occasional chat to a few school mums and I'm friendly with work colleagues but it never seems to go any further then that.

I'm at a loss tbh, I think maybe I should just accept things as they are. I am pretty busy with dc's, dh and my job but it would be nice to have one close local friend for the odd coffee and a natter.

Sorry not much use to you but at least you know you're not alone in feeling the way you do!

One of the keys is to be vulnerable to the right person at the right stage of the relationship, as it draws you both closer, they in turn should show some vulnerability back to you. Another key is to have something or somewhere in common to bring you and keep you together.

Don't be embarrassed. It's not easy to make new friends and sometimes it's just the luck of the draw whether you meet people you click with. When I found myself in a new place a few years ago having to build up a social life from scratch I did every activity I could think of, looked up vague acquaintances, joined groups and clubs etc etc - but it took a couple of years to establish one or two lasting friendships from those many acquaintances. My best friends actually date back many years. So, my advice would be: do make the effort to make casual acquaintances as they do expand your social circle and can lead directly or indirectly to friendships. And if you click with someone, do follow up - but don't expect friendships to blossom overnight.

Re-reading, I see you do already have many casual acquaintances. Don't write people off as potential friends because they are older or younger; I have some really good friends much older or younger than me. A way to test the water to see if someone would be up for something socially is to tell them about your plans. 'I'm going to see/do x this weekend/tonight etc.' if they express interest in similar activities you may find an opening to say 'I go every week; if you're ever interested in joining me let me know'.

I have people that I know at work and a couple of girls that I go for lunch with each week but no proper friends.

I think there must be something about me that makes people keep their distance. I don't have any of those friends that you can call in the middle of the night or when you are worried or upset.

This sounds like me for years! I have some truly fabulous friends that I could call at 3am and who would willingly chat and support, but none that live less than 2 hours away.

I made a real effort with DC's friends parents and at church. Not working for a couple of years when DC's were 7&9 to 9&11 (went back 2 months ago) did help. And church was fantastic.

It wasn't easy. I volunteered for lots of stuff and made a point of starting conversations, asking if people needed help when I knew they were having a tough time etc. My chocolate brownies (recipe courtesy of mumsnet) appeared on a few doorsteps and are now quite well know in the village! Now, I do finally feel like I've got some great friends locally who I can call, drop in for a cuppa, suggest a night out etc, etc.

One thing I did have accept was that, however good these friendships are (and they are) by definition they won't have the history of my long-standing friends. We're writing a new shared history.

Good luck. Do persevere.

I wish there was a badge we could wear! "Looking for new friends who like [fill in important things here]". Maybe a t-shirt....

It took me 2 years before I felt secure in friendships when I moved and had kids..
Things I did in your exact position:
Joined playgroup committee and offered to join in with the arranging jumble sales/reading stories and so on. Those sorts of things usually have meetings and nights out too.
Joined the nursery race for life (only 5 k) training group.
Invited acquaintances for coffee and really tried hard not to mind when most didn't return the invite.
Invited other mums at playgroup to meet up at soft play/baby swim on my other days off .
Asked lots of people if they wanted to start a book group-it's still going strong 8 years later! My book group now go on walking weekends/nights out/theatre trips. Most libraries have details of groups if you're interested.
Took out kids to playgroup when their mums had just given birth to their second-people see you as a true friend for that!

Things I know other people did:
Put note through the door of neighbour with similar aged kids inviting for coffee.
Asked around school/nursery gates for people to go out cycling with.
Became governor at local school.
Took life drawing classes.
Mumsnet/netmums meetups
went to church and got involved with church activities

Remember your social skills:take cakes round if someone gives birth, listen and remember what people say about themselves-bring it up the next time they see you-people appreciate people who take an interest. They also appreciate people who help and organize stuff!If there's nothing going on put a notice up and start something.

Could you see if your local pub needs anyone one/two night a week or something (if its possible with children etc.)

Imo its the easiest way to meet people socially and in which you can cultivate friendships if you are new to an area. Not for everyone though I appreciate but worth a mention

I think lots of people find this hard. I know I do, lots of good suggestions above though. Remember it is not you as such just circumstances and people can be cliquey until you find a way in with them x

Sorry you are feeling upset by this. Don't be embarressed, admitting there is something you don't like is the first step to make changes etc.

I would say being proactive is the key. The likelihood is that others feel as you do, but are concerned/unsure about making the first move.

As others have said joining committees/organised things is a 'soft' way to meet new people.

Or pick a few of your aquaintances and proactively try to develop them?

I have the opposite problem to you in that I have lots of friends (not stealth boast, context), but I am useless at 'letting go' of friendships that have dwindled I sound like a stalker

But what I do know is that I put effort into making friends - suggesting coffees, playdates, texting them if something important is happening etc.

Good luck.

Thank you for all the helpful suggestions. I help out at a toddler group but they all know each other from way back so I feel on the outside. It's as suchawimp mentions that 3am thing that I don't seem to be able to crack. Maybe I give off the wrong kind of vibes; I was an only child for 5 years and then went to a small school for primary so maybe I never learned to do friends properly - I had great friends at school and university but then drifted away. But I always worried if people liked me. Oh dear this sounds very self-obsessed.. This is why I need to find some friends so I don't rant on mn.

I don't think you sound self-obsessed and I think you are just highlighting a massive problem, accross all the generations.

It is easy to make aquaintances, but real friends are a different matter!!

I have moved half way accross the country, after the death of my husband. The loneliness is stifling and like you I feel an outsider in the face of long established friendship groups. The girls at work are lovely and very inclusive in the day to day banter, but they are all with partners and not really interested in out of work social stuff.

I have gone past the stage of thinking it is me. My two closest girlfriends (both at least 4 hours away) tell me I am a great friend and I can honestly say we have never argued or fallen out in any way.

I now recognise that my lack of a more local friend is down to different circumstances and life stages.

Just relax and open your mind to unexpected friendships. Both of my close girlfriends happened into my life when I was least expecting it and both have been there 15+ years. You will eventually find someone that you really click with !!

Aww thanks notsurehowthathappened It does make me feel better that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. Maybe that's it - I have to be more open - but yet not expect to be making really great friends. And just come and vent on MN at 3am til I do find some

I'm in a similar position as you OP. I drifted away from a lot of my friends from my twenties and early thirties. I have to admit that a couple of very close friends didn't turn out to be such good people in the end and I felt I had to let go.

I moved around a lot in my life - even emigrated to another country - and that never helps as distance is key to keep the friendship going.

I'm an only child and maybe that means that a make a bigger deal out of friendship than other people who are probably more laid back about it.

I try not to take the issue too personally as I understand that circumstances have a lot to do with it but it can bring me down some days.

I try to meet regularly with friends I might not be that close with but it saddens me some days how many friendships have ended or drifted away over time.