Relationship fears during pregnancy

[juniper9]

My DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, and living together for 2. We're about to buy a house and I'm 6 months pregnant.

The second year we were together, we had a long distance relationship. We were planning on moving in together at the end of that year, but then DP had a one night stand at a house party. After he told me, we broke up. I thought that was us done, but over the next months I decided that I was willing to give him another chance. He moved near to where I lived, then a year later we moved in together.

His cheating has always been a major issue for me, which he is aware of. Whenever I mention it he gets incredibly upset and ashamed, and I know how guilty he feels about it.

It's always been there, as I'm sure it always will be, but recently it's been bothering me a lot more. I don't know if it's the commitment of having a baby or signing myself to a mortgage with him, but for the first time in years I'm questioning myself about whether I should have got back with him.

I love him very much, and I know he loves me. We planned on having a baby and he is doting towards me and bump, so there's nothing in his behaviour that makes me uneasy.

I guess I'm scared he'll cheat again. I'm scared that, once my body is all flabby and leaky then he will look elsewhere. I'm scared I'm letting my child down by not providing a good example. I can't, hand on heart, state that I'm not in some part ashamed of my own weakness for taking back a man who cheated on me. I'm leaving both myself and my child so vulnerable- he makes considerably more than me, and once I'm on maternity leave I'll be financially dependent on him.

My question is, are these normal pregnancy worries? Does everyone think like this? I know the obvious thing to do would be to talk to him about it, but talking about his cheating completely crushes him, and if I said I was worried about our future it would petrify him. He can only apologise so many times for something he did 3 years ago.

Sorry- that's a mammoth post.

You need to let it go now. You chose to take him back and you now have to stop bringing it up. It's destructive behaviour and not fair on him.

He may cheat again but so may any new bloke you end up with.

He may on the other hand have learnt from his mistake and be the best partner and father you could ever wish for.

You need to consider if you actually can let it go.

I'd say it is completely normal to have all kinds of irrational thoughts and fears when you are pregnant, as you are being buffeted on all sides by all kinds of hormones. I'm sure I'm not the only one who got a bit ranty about random stuff for no apparent reason.

However, what you are dealing with is a bit different, and my only advice is if you want to stay with your partner try and let it go. If it was 3 years ago, and he has done everything he can to show you he wants to be with you, then you can be fairly sure he does. Don't break something good to protect yourself from losing it in the future.

It is not weak to take someone back, it is incredibly hard, and takes a lot of strength to rebuild things. He may cheat again, he may not, but so might any partner of anyone, male of female.

It's completely normal, once you've been cheated on, to find it very difficult to trust the other person again. That's all there is to it. You can probably suppress the hurt and the mistrust when you're feeling confident but, every time you feel even slightly below-par or your confidence slips, you'll be remembering what happened and it'll prey on your mind. 'Let it go' is rubbish advice. You have to talk about it, even if it means he gets upset and ashamed. Why is it acceptable for you, the innocent party, to feel crushed and insecure but not for him, the guilty party?

Whilst I would agree with you Cogito, if you decide to take someone back, how long can you continue to beat them over the head with it? I don't think it's reasonable, or sensible, to try and have it both ways. Either you choose to take someone back and make a go of it, which means you have to trust them and find some reconciliation with the past based on the cheater's proof of a reformed character, or you accept that you will never be able to move past it and split up.

Sounds like the OP hasn't quite made her mind up about which camp she's in and it's not healthy for her above all else.

Once you've decided to take someone back that's not the end of the story . You can change your mind.... A lot of people take back cheats and think that with time and patience it'll all be hunky dory and happy ever after. There's a lot of pressure to make a go of it, especially if the other party claims it's a one-off and seems very upset and provides acres of proof of their reformed character and everyone's in love and blah, blah, blah. Trust isn't a matter of logic, it's a matter of gut feel.

If, in spite of the best intentions, it doesn't work, and if the pain keeps resurfacing and the insecurities are too acute then it's OK to admit you've made a mistake. He doesn't want to talk about it.... how convenient!! Brushing it under the carpet, 'moving on', 'letting it go' and so forth just because there's a baby on the way is, frankly, insane.

Well I've been there, done that, and am of the opinion that if after 3 years you cannot let it go you really do need to either make an effort to get past it or admit you can't. A daily rehash will ruin your relationship. Yes these things need to be talked about, but there reaches a point where you have to move on.

As for pressure to stay together, I'm not sure there is. I had massive pressure to leave the bastard. My best friend from that time no longer speaks to me because I didn't. That fact we have made it work seems to massively upset a lot of people.

OP is pregnant. I have just had a baby myself, and the hormonal changes you go through in pregnancy really do send you half mad at times. I am only a year down the line and I still have bad days, and probably always will, but the fact that I have made peace with the problem helps us both be happy.

OP, there is no right answer here, but as I said above, if things are good and he loves you and is committed to you don't push him away out of fear. If you don't feel you can be happy with him, then that is ok too. Just be reasoned in your actions (never easy, especially when pregnant)

If he's been supportive so far then I don't think he would mind you brining it up, it may be on his mind too.

You need to sound off/talk something out or say exactly what's on your mind especially when you're feeling extra vulnerable

Tell him exactly how you are feeling right now, how your feelings about the ONS being amplified by the pregnancy and you're feeling vulnerable. If this man is worth his salt he will continue to love, honour and cherish you and support you - he shouldn't care that he's ashamed/embarrassed when you're the person who was being cheated on and you need to come 1st right now

Congratulations on the pregnancy