Age matching on dating sites - does men's selection override the women's??

[Zynniah]

Just wondering really, as I know I have joined two sites over the years, it has just occurred to me now that although I select men my own age or +/- five years, all of the matches are for men 10-15 years older. So is that because no man, literally NO man has the self-awareness to select a woman his own age? I went on one date with Parship.

re-joined another site and they're all so old. I am looking for somebody who is good company, good humoured, decent and content. He doesn't have to be tall, or handsome or rich, so I'm not "too fussy".

Has anybody else noticed this same thing with the 'matches' they are given/

Dunno. Maybe they are using other stuff to match you too?

It's not my experience that all men that come up are that much older than me. The men who contact me vary from 20 years younger to 10 years older, depending on site.

Zynniah

I read your comment

''literally NO man has the self-awareness to select a woman his own age?''

Can I just ask you why you think that everybody should go out with someone who is the same age as them and what this has to do with being ''self-aware''?

This is one of the saddest things about OD I feel. People are so easily categorised.

In the real world, if you saw somebody that you liked then, unless they obviously looked way too old/young tall/short fat/thin etc then you wouldn't be bothered about what the actual number was with regard to their age/height/weight etc.

You would just get on with getting to know them.

But because OD is so driven by putting numbers in boxes it means that both men and women are missing out on potentially great partners simply through putting a number in a box on a website.

These men that you are so casually dismissing as lacking ''self-awareness'' could be really great for you but you are being very ageist and simply dismissing them.

Personally, I feel your attitude towards this comes across as not very nice at all.

That would hold water if men of, say, 47, selected 25-55, but all the research shows that they routinely specify dates ten to twenty younger than themselves.

Agree with BOF - statistics from the various sites show that men tend to specify much younger women, whereas women are more 'realistic'.

But you don't have to use the 'Match' functions, to find the 'perfect match' or 'mutual match' or whatever (depending on the site) - just do a plain old search for men of the age you want and you'll see the men's profiles, regardless of their preferences. Contact the ones you want and if they don't reply simply because you're only 3 years younger than them (or 3 years older) then they're probably dicks you don't want to get together with anyway.

It's very unlikely any will have set a filter to screen out mails from women your age - if they do they'll always have an empty inbox because 20-something women don't generally initiate contact with men in their late 30s/40s/50s

nickymanchester, I mean that men try to date women not just a bit younger than them (and I have put in +/- 5 years, so I'm flexible). It's not going to work out for 90% of them is it? I mean obviously yes some older men will be attractive to women 15-20 years younger but generally speaking that's rare. Women in their early forties aren't going to be attracted to the average man in his early 60s. And men in their early sixties who have a bit of self-awareness would be, well, aware of that.

Exactly Bant. I'm starting off from the stance of realism. I have ruled out all the bullshit! height, dashing good looks, salary, even clothes....... honestly would give any decent man roughly my age a fair hearing, and if it doesn't work out, if they're nice men, then one evening shared, how bad could it be!?!? but i'm not paying for babysitters to go out with men who are 17-20 years older than I am.

ps, Bant, thanks, I didn't realise you could take control like that with some sites.

As for my "attitude", nickymanchester what the what now? my attitude is fine! I'm good company, good humoured, healthy, fit..... and I'm looking for what I know I can offer myself. Or, I'll stay single.

My expectations are very realistic I think. There's no point going out with a man who is not as good company as my female friends. And I've done that a few times. Obviously they had other attributes that made the relationship tick along for a while. It was exciting to begin with!

I've already said that what I really want is that their personality be decent / compatible and that I wouldn't be influenced by the usual boxes like 'height' or 'looks', so, to be telling me off for my "attitude" is really off the mark !!! Just because I want to figure out how to get matches with men more my own age, you wouldn't be a man trying to date women 20 years your junior would you? If you are, I don't care, good luck with it. I hope you and Maria Sharapova are very happy together :-p

I remember getting a message from some guy 15 years older than me saying something like ' really love your profile but looks like you've ruled me out for being too old. shame!' (I think at the time I was 30ish, him 45ish) I asked how many 60 year old women he'd messaged. None, funnily enough.

No, I am not a man trying to date someone 20 years younger than me.

However, if you must know, my DH is 11 years older than me we have been married almost 9 years now and have two DCs - and I am very very happy with him.

I notice that you started off by complaining about men 10-15 years older than you and now you have stretched it to only complaining about a 20 year age gap, you are moving the goal posts here.

I would very much agree with you about a 20 year age gap.

However, I would suggest that perhaps, in real life, it is relatively easy to come across men 10 years older than you that you would find attractive. It's just that you wouldn't know they were that old and so you wouldn't already have mentally written them off.

This is a real problem with OD and being able to filter by age, height, weight etc.

When you see an age on someone's profile a lot of people, I am sure, make assumptions about what they will be like. However, if they met in real life, that person wouldn't be carrying a sign with them giving all their vital statistics. So, you wouldn't be looking at them as a 45 year old graduate blah blah blah, but you would just see someone that you liked the look of.

It would then only be quite a bit later that you might find out that he is actually 10 years older than you say, because you don't generally go round asking someone's age on a date, certainly not a first date - well, at least I never used to.

And if you stayed round long enough to start asking him questions like how old he is then I'm guessing you will have been on a few dates with him by that stage and find him at least a little bit attractive.

Finally, so if Daniel Craig or ( insert name of some other man) turned up you'd refuse because they were 10 years older?

ps I just mentioned attitude as you come across to me as being angry that a man might choose to be with a woman who is not the same age as him. I really don't understand that attitude when talking about something like a 10 year age gap as you were doing initially.

I would just stick to searching based on your own criteria rather than expecting the computer to match you based on some magic formula. I searched on distance (v important when you don't get much free time!), non-smoker, has kids and age range (5 years younger to 10 years older). From there it was just a matter of looking at photos and reading profiles.

I had a few messages from men saying "shame you're only looking for xx as it seems I don't fit the bill" and i would read their profile and consider them anyway. I think anyone vaguely sensible knows that those things are just what you'd like in an ideal world, not necessarily make or break.

I don't suppose for one minute my DP was looking for someone older than him, with 3 DCs, a bit overweight and on a low income, however, we met, we hit it off and we're very happy. In fact he said that initially he wanted to find someone 'hot as fuck to make the ex jealous' but as time went on he realised what was really important to him, intelligence, sense of humour, compatibility, someone the kids get along with - all those worthy, dull things that men don't realise they need until they get it!

What you think you want and what you actually end up being happy with are very different and anyone worth their salt will agree.

Nicky, I think the issue isn't having an age gap of 10+ years but of some men on OD setting 10-15 years as the minimum age gap they want. There's a fair bit of difference between setting your preferences to 'my age + or - 15yrs' and 'my age - 10 to 20yrs'. Refusing to even consider dating someone who's age is within 10 years of yours seems pretty unrealistic and silly.

Zynniah what Bant and BOF said. The only way to do it as a woman who has left her thirties is to use the sites where you can specify the age you would like and choose for yourself. The sites where they match you (eharmony, match affinity) gave me the same results as you i.e. little and nothing. The free sites are actually more of a numbers game lottery but at least you get to see what the men's stated preferences are which means you can chose to ignore those men whose idea of suitable woman is one who they would have been lucky to get 20 years ago pre divorce.

''some men on OD setting 10-15 years as the minimum age gap they want.''

I totally take on board the point you're making Miniph - I've never done OD myself, but some of my friends have and I hear about it second hand.

I absolutely agree that what you describe is a silly and unrealistic attitude.

However, the OP just seems to me to have a problem with anyone 10 years older than her, not just those who are specifically looking for a large age gap.

If I might make a suggestion to the OP, if you live in a reasonably sized city you may well be able to find a speed dating event or something similar where you can meet men in real life. In this way you are much less likely to have people just pre-judge you on a particular number.

Nicky I haven't read the OP as saying that at all. It is not her who is saying she must have someone 10 years younger, it is the men. Not unreasonably the OP would like to meet someone around her own age.

Almost all the men my age specify they want a younger woman, I had far more interest in men around 10 years younger than me but the older men get, the bigger the differential in age they seem to want.

Nicky, I think you're being too harsh on the OP. If you do online dating you do become very, very frustrated by the men who approach you who are so much older. Like another poster said, they don't go the other way up, either. A man who is 60 will usually look for a woman aged 40-50 or even 35-50, whereas he would never, ever look for someone who was 70-85. He would also think you were mad for suggesting it.

Nicky, you're misreading the OP. It's men who are asking only to go out with women much younger than them that's the problem. Unrealistically only looking for younger women is making it much harder for a realistic woman to find a man close to her own age. Sure some could have successful relationships with older men, but you can't blame OP for wanting some men her own age to date too, while men are on there refusing to go out with their counterparts.

Nicky, don't know if I've struck a chord here, maybe you're saying to me things you've wanted to say to other people over the years.

Presumably you met your husband in rl and boom! age was irrelevant.

I'm experiencing something quiiiiiiiite different here. Older men who feel entitled to date women significantly younger than them. Before they even get as far as a hello, never mind boom!, they're only looking for that in a much younger pool of women.

I did once go out with a man 10 years older than me, but I met him in REAL LIFE. It was entirely different, my choice from the get go. And he was not 'entitled' in his thinking. But I did feel the age gap.

So for you to be projecting (I feel!), from the comfort of your marriage, husband sitting next to you in his armchair! well, we might as well be speaking different languages, so I won't get too offended or put out.

I'll just add this comment to the long list of shit that gets thrown at single women! There was an excellent thread recently called being single. Women get blamed for their single status all the time. You should read it. They're too fussy, or, shame, not fussy at all. Or too needy, or they have boundaries up around them. Or they should enjoy being single for 6 years?

Everybody else, thanks for the support and tips. I will try an site that allows me a bit more control.

mysterioushamster+1 yes, that's it in a nutshell really! I wouldn't have thought I'd have to defend it really! Although only one poster who totally understands is making me feel I need to defend or explain.

wafflyversatile, yes I can imagine he laughed at the bizarre notion that he'd consider a 60 year old! I had a man accuse me of being ageist too.

Thanks Imperialblether, JulietteMontague, Miniph

Donutformyself, I hear you obviously. I want that personality thing. ... Compatibility.... I am so over all the bullshit that doesn't matter.

This is the problem I've had with OD. I get messages aplenty from men well into their 40s (I am 33.) I know it can be very successful for some but I think there are just so many thirty something women trying it that it's difficult - like selling cupcakes in today's market!

I'm in my 40s and on OKCupid...most of the men that contacted me are in their late 30s, 40s or early 50s. I haven't experienced this phenomenon you are describing at all.

Lol. Gave up on eharmony and OD in general. Hardly any matches once 40 until I widened the upper level to beyond 50 (or sneekily putting 38 on profile but always being honest when meeting up) - a sudden massive increase in matches would you believe.
TBH being fit for my age I found the average pot-bellied, out of condition male of my own age unappealing, so why would I entertain the over 50's crowd?
Joined a social activity club instead where most people happen to be single and the average age is spot on where I am at and I get to have fantastic experiences and meet people without the pressures of it being a date. As an over 40's female, I would not recommend OD to anyone.