feeling very low about lack of relationship

[manateeintheocean]

Went to a beautiful wedding last saturday, this saturday I have a 40th birthday party to attend. I know it sounds really stupid & pathetic but I just find attending these sorts of events make me feel so lonely and inadequate as inevitably I end up being the only single person there. last saturday I was able to smile and laugh and be sociable but I'm ashamed to admit I cried driving home as I felt so empty and lost and uncared for.

not sure why I am posting but I am just so depressed and sad atm x

sorry Op. Sometimes it is hard not to be in a relationship....and sometimes it is wonderful . Is the rest of your life lively with like minded friends and rels? Is this a down moment in an otherwise Ok life or do you need to make changes to make it a better life for you??

My friends and relatives are all happily coupled up so my main social occasions are difficult as its like the wedding really, am the only single one there.

thanks for replying to me :)

Better to be single and happy than with the wrong person. Have you read some of the threads in Relationships? It doesn't come across in your post, but are you sending out 'desperate' vibes, do you think? If you take up all the social opportunities that you can, and join clubs/ activities you are interested in, you will increase your chances of meeting someone.
Dating websites are a minefield but perhaps worth exploring in order to practise! You never know, you might meet someone on there.
The main thing is to keep yourself open to opportunities but not make it too important in your life if someone does come along. Some people give up their hobbies and friends when a man comes along- big mistake!

I don't think I am sending out desperate vibes, I find it very hard to actually meet single men because they tend to be in relationships in the social situations I go to, and at work. At work there are younger staff in their 20s and I have little in common with them but then I don't fit in with the mums in their 30s and 40s as i'm single without kids! It can be really lonely sometimes.

I do hear you, i have friends in the same situation. And i myself am single though have DC

Someone once said to me that life is what you make of it...and they were also wise enough to say that you can be just as lonely in the wrong relationship as with none.

I know that this doesn't help when you are surrounded by people playing happy families or all loved up. Even when you know that at least some of them are less together than they seem.

You will be ok. make sure that you embrace your life. We only get one. Not everything is in your power but lots is and you can live WELL.

OP, I really understand, feel like that myself sometimes, though not all my friends/relatives aer coupled so I can see how extreme you can feel, but please do NOT believe that they are all happily coupled. Out of the non-single women I know, very-very few are truly happy with their partner - sad but true, lots of them perservere, lots even feel lonely within the r-ship. I'm not saying this just to be cynical, but to show you that beiing in a relationship is not a guarantee of happiness.
I do wish you best of luck finding the right man though! Try going out on your own to meet someone, rather than just in couples' socials, andalso ask yout female friends to introduce you (it's not embarassing!)

I hear you OP and I empathise.

When I'm having one of those 'I'm the only single person in the world' days I remind myself how hideous being married and miserable was. It doesn't take the loneliness away but it makes me realise that I could be worse off than I am.

a bit of a cross post re meeting men, sorry, I find it VERY hard to meet men I like who are also single, all yo can do is continue and ask your friends if they know single men - but also give a decent online site a go! many good stories on Mn, and I know a few in RL.

no, I don't think I said single people were inadequate, I said I sometimes felt inadequate because I get lonely and would like children and a family.

i'm not bored no, I have a busy job and I have lots going on in my life but I would prefer to have a partner and at least the prospect of having children of my own. don't think my friends know anyone single! it's very coupled-up, most of my friends are with men they were at school or university with!

Why do people always twat on about being happy with yourself when people are single and not happy with that situation?

Coupling up is one of the main things people hope and strive for in their lives. Can it really be so surprising that people are unhappy when this has not happened and doesn't feel like it's going to happen for them?

It's shit, manatee, I agree. I'm always single for years between rels and all but 1 wedding I've been to I've gone to alone.

well, if they don't know anyone (no brothers, friends of friends?), then try online dating, and also going somewhere on your own without your coupled friends - men could approach you then easier. All this is no guarantee, but if you want to meet someone, you have to think logically and just treat it as a job in some way, i.e, x amount of effort in this direction, though not to exclusion to all your other activities.

I agree very much with WafflyVersatile!

You might like reading/being a part of this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1783345-Being-single

manatee why don't you join more social activities and groups if you have money and time on your hands? If I could right now I would go to more meet up groups try www.meetup.com in your area to see what is on of interest to you. It is a great way of meeting single men and women without it being a dating site place or knocking shop and you share common ground and interests expanding your social circle is the way to go here to be honest. If I had more money free time and access (sore point!) I would definitely make it a priority of mine. That way even if you don't meet a nice bloke straightaway you at least pursue interests and hobbies that are stimulating to you and it gives you more to talk about and look forward to when you put yourself out there. The other thing of course is to join an evening class although they are invariably women in those. Often the men are largely found in the pub at home or in the nick!! That is a joke of mine lol. Seriously though, there have been a number of single men at the meet ups I have been to, not that I went to it for that but it does feel a bit more heartening to see a number of single people such as yourself and don't worry many of those also don't have children so you won't feel the odd one out!

HTH.

Don't for one minute think that all the smiling couples at a wedding are happy. Being happy and confident is very attractive if you are seeking relationship

I am very happy but I don't really find that I meet men who are available for relationships. Mind you I've always been quite a happy person and struggled to get relationships off the ground

Think you for the meet up link. Do you find much going on? I didn't when I used it when I worked in London but perhaps you have to go on the website daily. Most of my friends are from school/uni or work colleagues.

Wafflyversatile It sounds a cliche but I truly believe you have to be happy and secure in yourself before you can love someone and let them love you.

Manatee I'm 34 and single. Virtually all my 30-something friends are married/coupled, so I go out socially with my 20-something friends (hopefully I don't look like too much of a saddo!) I really like being on my own, the only time I feel conscious of it is weddings and more formal events, but they don't happen that often.

Sorry no practical advice, just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation.

I know plenty of people with issues of one sort or another in stable relationships. Why assume that singledom is the result of unhappiness rather than unhappiness the result of long term singleness?

And enough fucked up people who never have the slightest difficulty finding new relationships.
(not very good relationships admittedly)

I see the 'are you sending out desperate vibes' thing has been trotted out. Sheesh. Doesn't take long for that one.

imo we're designed to be coupled up. Generally, that is - not always. It hurts when you're not. Just the same as it hurts not to have children if you're a woman and want children (which most women do). No point saying 'read the horror stories of what parenting is like' - yy being a parent can be a struggle but not many would choose not to because it's a struggle.

Let's get real. It hurts and that's that. Society - couples - also womp on the idea that there is something wrong with you if you're single (eg are you sending out desperate vibes). None of this is true. There isn't somehting wrong with us and we're not so desperate that we're shooing every possible relationship off.

OP find a way to get some single friends. You're not the only one who is your age and single, not by a long chalk. I have to watch it that my friends don't get too couple-centric, or I start feeling like a leopard amongst giraffes. It's not good for one

manatee join the 'Being Single' thread for understanding too.

I'm 36, single, no kids and sometimes I get really down about it; several of my friends / relatives / colleagues are in a similar position.

There's just a lack of decent single men!

We're not actually designed to be coupled-up. The emphasis on longterm heterosexual romantic relationships is something socially constructed and it was constructed by men so that they could own women as domestic servants and breeding animals. Don't forget that the next time the luv&marridge propaganda gets you down.

OP, you need to meet more people, but not as a way of Finding A Man: what you need is a wider diversity of friends so that you don't feel like the Only Single In The Village. You say you don't have DC so you are much freer in terms of the time you can give to pursuing hobbies/interests - single mums find it harder to have a social life without spending a fortune on babysitters. What interests you? What are you really passionate about? There will be some sort of club/group/regular circuit of events relating to whatever it is, and people who have a shared interest are less bothered about other people's lifestyle choices.

Monogamy is dead boring anyway!

Nice to have a change if you ask me lol.

My cousin who is way older than myself and quite out of touch with so many things a propos to being single - automatically assumes we are all wretchedly lonely and desperate for a man! She just can't believe that most of us would rather live on our own and live maximum part time with a bloke we could cope with. That is what I am seeking anyway and I think I echo many other women out there once they have children.

I am a little different maybe than many of us as I have been married 3 times prior to my ex and every relationship it was I who ended it.

I still get offers but find myself increasingly choosy and careful which is no bad thing as in the past i.e. in my twenties and thirties (I am now 49) I just wasn't careful enough hence the divorces!!

I think it is different when you don't have children as somehow it is easy to romanticise having them in the same way that people romanticise being a couple. It is not all a constant bed of roses in any circumstance manatee if that is of any help!

manatee vis a vis the meet up website it varies where you are in the country I think. The other alternative is www.midsummerseve something sorry can't remember the rest of it that has meets for single people all over hope this helps!

So you lived in London like me mmmn isn't it so boring once we move out!!

Sympathy from me, Manatee. I'm in the same position. All my cousins are coupled up and all but one married. I feel like a right spare part at family events - as though everyone's looking at me thinking 'what's wrong with her, why does nobody want her?'
I've tried online dating (a lot!),met a fair few guys, dated a few, but it always peters out on either my part or theirs. I'm not going to 'settle' - I want the real thing - but I'm not convinced that's to be found via online dating. The men I encounter seem to use it as a way of finding a series of uncommitted casual relationships which don't evolve into anything more.
I now have a busy and absorbing job and I just can't be arsed with spending my precious spare time on that kind of dating. I'm jaded.

On the plus side I'm thankful not to be in some of the relationships I hear about, abusive etc. and I'm thankful that I have a goo, challenging, interesting job.
I've pretty much given up hoping to meet someone tbh. It makes me feel sad to admit that, but that's how it is.