Don't like DP right now - sorry, it's an epic!

[Tensity]

This all went down last night and though DP has now apologised profusely, I'm finding it really hard to like him much.

DP said he was going out with a friend last night. I was going out with girlfriends. At 22:10 I sent him a text saying, "Hi, are you still out? xxx" as we were wrapping up and I was wondering if DP and I could train home together.

9 minutes later I got this: "No - decided to have a drink near home. Need space. Love you xxx p.s. time to think" - I've never had a text like this from DP before, so I texted back saying, "Are you ok? Bit worried." On one of my friends looked at it too and said it sounded a bit odd, for him.

An hour, 2 calls and a text informing him I was now on my way home, and then that I had lost my keys (I left them in the office, stupidly) I was sitting on the front step wondering where he was. He then texted saying he was heading home - clearly drunk, couldn't spell, no punctuation.

He then asked me to meet him at a bar (which I did as I had no keys) where he was clearly drunk, and then got angry because I'd got a cab back (I was worried by the text and wanted to get home quickly) - accused me of being controlling, of not understanding that a 'bloke' needs space, that it was suffocating to get the cab back and forcing him to come home. He then accused me of pretending I'd forgotten my keys to get him to come home - I repeatedly invited him to look in my bag and pockets, which he refused to do but maintained I had my keys in there. He told me to grow up - I was sober by the way, but I did get angry with him - and that if I 'understood' or 'knew' him I'd know the text meant nothing. Our argument continued for about an hour during which he repeatedly shouted at me - and basically accused me of suffocating and controlling him all the time - that I should trust him more - which I do! He kept saying that a 'bloke' needs space - to which I replied that no, people need space, and you do too. Eventually he walked away (where to, who knows) and a nice man from a restaurant came out to see if I was ok.

I texted him, and he came back, apologetic, and said we should go to the bar. Where he proceeded to down two tequila shots! I wasn't comfortable, and we left pretty quickly - he then kept alternating between apologising and telling me he was wrong, to accusing me of it being my fault - eventually I kept saying, "We've had this argument four times now; I won't have it again." I made it clear that it's absolutely fine for him to have space - we both need some space - but that the text freaked me out ... he wasn't where he said he would be (turns out he did a pub tour of the route home, on his own), wasn't contactable, was clearly very, very drunk ... he was communicating in a way that was threatening and unloving.

I slept on the sofa. This morning he was still drunk, but not as badly as he was last night and kept apologising for being "a fucking dickhead" And about an hour ago I finally got a decent apology. But I'm still pissed off.

AIBU? Is he? Am I controlling?? Sorry, so long.

I think I would be upset by this too, especially as it is out of character. I know people always say this on Mumsnet and I could be way off the mark, so I apologise if I am, but do think he might be seeing, or liking someone else? It might explain his odd behaviour a little.

It depends: has he ever done this sort of thing before? Is it usual for the two of you to go on separate nights out on the same night? And does he often go on a pub crawl by himself or is this a complete one off?

I suppose, to give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds a bit as though something happened to upset him (not necessarily anything to do with you) and he reacted by going on a drinking binge by himself. Which isn't necessarily great either. And you having forgotten your keys was just an unfortunate coincidence.

However, are there other things going on within the relationship ie have you just moved intogether, or have you been discussing marriage? One thing that jumped out at me was him insisting that men need space - that could be a bit of an indicator that he's a man who thinks, deep down, that men are people and women are just 'women' ie less important.

How long have you been together?

I don't think he's seeing someone else, or liking them ... I'd be very surprised. Normally we are very much in love and although we can both have tempers, it's not usually like last night.

This morning he mentioned he'd lost a big deal at work yesterday - I suspect that's why. But my reaction wouldn't be to go out alone and get pissed and I don't buy him taking his anger and frustration out on me.

Sounds like he just got way too pissed and was being a dickhead. If it's a one off I wouldn't be too worried tbh.

Solid, we've been together for quite a long time but lived together for 6 months. I thought the initial period of adjustment was over, maybe not.

I think he was just drunk ... I wish he hadn't taken it out on me. He sometimes goes to the pub on his own for a pint, but not on a crawl on his own ... and yes, we do sometimes go for separate nights out at the same time. Though I have a more active social life, I'd say.

I probably agree with you Robot - he's just being an arse. He is drinking more than usual though, so I think it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think you should talk to him.

Alcohol doesn't change who you are, it has the effect of lowering inhibitions. I think it would be a good idea to discuss the things he threw at you.

All this repeated you're controlling and you do X all the time sounds like stuff he thinks but won't say when sober.

I never ever dismiss anything anyone says on the grounds that they are drunk. In fact, quite the opposite. I think you see more of who someone actually is and what they actually think when they are drunk.

I think a non accusatory chat about what was said wouldn't go amiss.

He lost a big deal at work, needed to drown his sorrows and got stupidly pissed. At least that what it sounds like to me.

Generally I don't like people getting pissed, that's just me. Male or female. I don't necessarily agree that people show their "true colours" when drunk. Some people really do just become totally different when completely pissed.

Hecsy - that's what I think ... He denied that these are things that he thinks; I believe that he does.

We had a chat on the phone just now and he said he's not used to having someone caring about him i.e. being worried about him etc - he and his ex, from what I know, were on the outs for years and lived separate lives. So I must be a bit of a shock.

I don't think I'm controlling ... I do have standards of behavior i.e. he is chronically late and I've asked him to make a proper effort to get to places on time. Being an hour late constantly is wearing. But I don't care if he gets pissed from time to time, don't ask him who he's with or where he is - in many ways I wish he had more of an automous life, it would relax him.

Sigh. Yeah, we'll have a chat....

If my partner sent me that text I would be anxious - I think that's why he sent it. 'need some space' 'time to think' - it's like he's hinting he wants to break up or something so that you'll panic and maybe he'll be reassured through your worry or something. It's not very nice.

Hmm. If someone has had a workplace disaster, got pissed and said to a partner 'I need some space' and the partner then proceeds to phone twice and text repeatedly and then turn up going 'I've lost my keys' I can see how that would be annoying. Because if someone asks you for space and you don't give it to them then the situation is going to deteriorate. I appreciate that it wasn't your fault you left your keys at work, but it's possible that all this was just a case of everything going wrong at the same time.

Solid, yeah I wondered about that.

Me texting/calling like that is out of character - but then his text was out of character. I found it callous to send something like that, which is vague and implies something that would make most people anxious. There was absolutely no context until much, much later when he sobered up a bit.

As I said, I showed it to my friend when it came through and she's a laid back sort of person - she said it was odd and "What does he mean by that? That's weird..."

Maybe I should have just left it, and if I'd had keys Id've gone home. But that doesn't excuse him shouting in my face. In the end it worked out ok; he probably wouldn't have got home in one piece without me there - he's wrenched his shoulder and twisted his ankle as it is.

Thanks for all your thoughts, ladies, I appreciate it :)

Reading your OP again, his text was 'Need space... love you' which also sort of suggests that he was trying to explain that he wasn't angry/upset with you, but needed some time to think. He was in the wrong to shout at you, but you were, a bit, in the wrong, to keep pestering someone who was stressed, drunk and annoyed. I can see myself yelling at someone who kept bugging me if I was fretting about work and had already asked to be left alone.

SGB speaks sense, yet again :)

Hope all is OK now OP?