Ex shit stirring and DP taking it out on me and the kids

[ArcticMonkey81]

My ex and I have been split for around 10 years. We have nothing to do with each other apart from he has our children overnight every other saturday so comes here to pick them up. His girlfriend (who he's been with almost 10 years too) hates me and always has. She's a jealous woman who just can't get over the fact that I'm over 20 years younger than her and had his kids. So anyway, that's the history.

Throughout these 10 years there has been low level shit stirring and comments directed at me, often regarding me being a crap and irresponsible mother. Usually comes from the girlfriend and is backed up by my ex. I ignore it or laugh at it - I'm difficult to offend.

Well up until now she's been quite happy to see me sitting in my little ex council house on a crap estate with little money struggling to get by - she liked it that way. Then I met my current DP who has a good salary and at the same time, I qualified and so my income shot up - we bought a beautiful new house together and went on a road trip to America with the kids. Apart from that we often do fun stuff, camping, weekend breaks, festivals, gigs etc etc and we are/were very happy.

My new life has infuriated the ex and his girlfriend who have begun a tirade of abuse against me saying I'm a gold digger, more of less with DP for the money and nothing else, I'm irresponsible because I'm always "fucking off" and leaving my kids behind and the new one - I'm irresponsible because it's "obvious that we're in shit loads of debt to do the stuff we do" (not true).

To make things worse, these comments are passed onto me from my own kids. Ex and his girlfriend slag me off to my own kids telling them I spend their maintanance on myself and my dp and let them eat shit and don't dress them properly and that our various house rules are victorian (you know, such as not eating a whole tin of biscuits in one sitting or stashing a family size bottle of coke behind your bed and drinking it all in one night) and blah blah blah ....

Anyway, it came to a head last weekend. DPs mother had been looking after the kids whilst DP and I went to glastonbury. When DP came to pick the kids up on the saturday dps mum had gone out to a hair appointment (which is fine, my youngest is nearly 13!) and DP asked who was looking after them - DS told him and the girlfriend spat "bullshit, they've been on their own all weekend." We then find out that ex came INTO our house, walked through it, went into our back garden and into our shed and bolted the gate, locked up Dss bike, locked the shed and rearranged some stuff saying we should be taking better care not to get robbed.

DP is LIVID that ex came into the house and has been slagging us off etc and has since gone on and on about it but he's taking it out on me and the kids. Keeps calling my kids shit stirrers as they end up being the messingers and keeps saying I need to grow some balls and stand up to the ex and start a confrontation. He said last night that he feels like filling my ex in, told me to get him off my facebook (he's only on there because he has a habit of not answering text messages but is always on his computer) and basically said the way my family work makes him question "everything". He knows I'm insecure about the relationship yet throws this at me for good measure. I feel powerless. I feel like not only am I being slagged off my tweedle dee and tweedle dum but my own kids are turning against me and my own DP is starting to turn.

Last night I asked DP about next years holiday and suggested a few things. He said "I don't want to talk about it, not whilst we have those two wandering around ready to start trouble" meaning my kids. Then he comes out with comments such as "I might go and down a full bottle of coke because that's normal behaviour, actually I fancy a biscuit ... or 20" and the kids just sit there looking really uncomfortable :-(

DPs argument is if they can do it, so can we - my argument is we're not 5 and shouldn't stoop to their level but he's upsetting me more than my ex every does :-(

I think you've got two problems here - your XH and your DP.

Although your DP is being an arse about this, I think he's right about you needing to stand up to your X. Badmouthing the other parent in front of your child and getting them to relay messages intended to cause tension is a form of child abuse. If you allow it to continue, you are sort of complicit in that.

Your children need you to take control of this situation and stop it.

If that means stopping contact, personally that it what I would do. Your children and your XH need to learn that it is unacceptable to behave in this way. The longer it continues, the more your children see it as acceptable.

I'd deal with that first TBH but then I'd also be having a chat with 'D'P about putting his toys back in his pram.

Tricky.... I can see why your DP is pissed off with the (literally) intrusive influence your ex still has over your life (and by extension his) given that your relationship is such ancient history. If you're choosing to laugh or ignore and that's not the way he chooses to solve problems, I can also see why you got the 'get some balls' speech. Although I don't think it was appropriately timed or particularly sensitive. It's not on to take it out on you and certainly not your kids.

Off the cuff thoughts..... How about recruiting DP into Operation Get Rid Of Ex and turning his clear annoyance into something constructive? Move away from 'stooping to their level' but act as a united front both where the children and your Ex are concerned, set better boundaries, work as a team?

What Cogito said.

If your DP is usually a decent bloke then i'd put this childish outburst of temper down to sheer annoyance. Stamp on it though. Don't let him think he can make a habit of being a twat when annoyed.

It's pretty normal to feel anger and frustration in these circumstances. I always think it is a natural reaction and your body's way of telling you something is wrong.
But I agree with the other posters that how your DP and you now deals with this needs to rise about what your exh is doing and put the DC first.
It must have been shocking at first but you now know it is going on and can look at ways to prevent fallout. What they are doing is not right, but I am sure you can reduce the impact what they do on the you and thertefore the DC which will I would imgaine stop them doing it as they are not getting the desired reaction.
Regarding things like you being in debt for edample, that I presume has been said to worry DC, you could have a gentle conversation with DC that and the fact they can ask you anything they are worried about and you can then reassure them that things are really good and all your hard work ensures they have fun and are not in debt either. Enjoy your life.

They are called EX's for a reason and perhaps you need to re-establish that.

Unintentionally you have brought 'drama' to your DP's life, and really for what sounds like a new relationship his reaction is not ideal but his feelings are justified.

Cogito is right- draw battle lines, put DP and children into the 'us' camp and your Ec and his partner into the 'them' camp.
then you work as a team to defeat them.

Arrange neutral drop off points, do it legally if need be, do not involve your DP's mum anymore - that's relationship suicide, once you lose her you're onto a hiding (if Napoleon and Hitler couldn't win wars on two fronts - who are you to try).

Formulate this and approach your DP with "are we in this together.. I think what we have is worth it and we can sort this out..." but he has to be willing to fight for it.

Last thing: He may not see it worth while - you have 2 DC's who are being poisoned, you have an ex who wonders through his and your home (that's gotta rub anyone the wrong way) and you are emotionally being impacted by an old relationship. If he was a woman many a MNetter would have said LTB life's too short etc.

So reduce those obstacles and join forces. Good luck (long ramble sorry)

Didn't want to read and run.....

Have had a similar situation to you, except it's DP and his ex.

He had to go to court to get regular access, and when he did they awarded him almost 50% - every other weekend school to school, every wednesday school to school, and half the school holidays.

We have had a terrible time since this has been decided. And often DSS turns up and (at the age of 5) repeats some awful things said about DP and his parenting, and things he's allowed to do etc.

That's of he even comes at all - given he has been suspiciously 'sick' and off school on a vast number of occassions and when that happens his ex doesn't allow DSS to come - but that's a whole other story.

It ended up with a lot of fights between me and DP. Not about the things that were said directly, but just as a way to vent, I think. I mean it must be so unpleasant to hear your child tell you how crap you are. I'm not surprised he needed to vent.

And to be honest - it must be almost as bad having to listen to criticism from someone elses kids telling you how crap you are - despite the fact that you are doing all you can to do your best for them .

Believe me - this is the situation I am in. Having to hear DSS spout things which a 5 yr old could barely understand let alone come up with themselves. Despite the fact I've never met this woman (at her insistance) and do my best for DSS.

Give your DH a break - and work on way to put a stop to this awful behaviour.

You can't let it conitnue. I've seen how this tears DSS up inside, and ot of everyone, the person I am worried and concerned about most in all of this is him.

Firstly you need to change locks or something to prevent your XP being able to access your home when you are not there.

Secondly, given that XP is clearly a prick, take a long look at current P. It's very common, unfortunately, for women who have had one abusive partner to pick a different type of abuser next time round eg last partner was violent so new partner is non-violent but sexually dysfunctional, or won't do any domestic work, or mean with money. Your current DP may be fine and just ranting out of annoyance that his home's been invaded and he's being criticised by a man he despises, but consider this unhelpful tantrum of his in the light of his other behaviour and see what shows up.

Start getting your kids to write everything down instead of telling you, then that evidence might actually come in handy.

if my ex had been through my house and belongings when i wasnt there he would be shitting teeth for a fortnight.

why are you letting these people walk all over you? no wonder your dp is annoyed. you are doing nothing to stop their behaviour nor are you stopping your kids bad behaviour - if you dont do something you will loose everything.

for a start i would stop the kids going over - if he wants them he would need to fight tooth and nail for them - fuck him.