Confused

[SugarPlumFruitcake]

I've name changed for this as its a bit embarrassing.

Firstly, I'm married. We went through a bit of a hard time last year after receiving some bad news, but all is well again now.

This time last year, I started doing some short term contract work with a guy that I eventually became friends with. It started strictly work based, but quickly progressed to personal emails (music, what we were doing at the weekend, general banter), and an exchange of numbers once the work was finished - for keeping in touch as mates, nothing more. Some follow up work meant that we still saw each other in a work capacity a few times a week, although by this point we were exchanging texts every day - usually 20 or so.

Around that time, something changed that I couldn't quite put my finger on and I realised I was attracted to him. I told him the situation, and he replied saying he'd not really looked at me in that way as he thought I was taken, and we kind of shrugged the whole thing off and carried on as we were.

Ever since the exchange of numbers, it would be the case that whenever he went out drinking he would call me in the early hours. I never answered, but it turned into a bit of a tit for tat situation. We lived in different countries, so it wasn't a hook up kind of thing! We did speak about it vaguely, and I think reached the conclusion that he did it because he was feeling lonely.

Anyway, we'd meet up when one of us was in the other's towns on work or whatever, always alone for a meal, some drinks or to watch a movie. For the last few times there's been a bit of tension and I can't really put my finger on it again.

DH hasn't met my friend, but does know all about him and knows whenever we meet up. The texting has calmed right down now on DH's request so we speak maybe a few times a week. The attraction thing for me passed ages ago so it isn't that. My friend is quite shy when it comes to talking about things like this, where I'm quite upfront, so it wouldn't be a conversation I could easily have.

Help?!

Honestly? Yo've had an emotional affair, and it seems possible that despite your belief that the attraction has passed, things could become physical if you lived closer and had more opportunity.

Obviously you're a decent person who doesn't want to betray your spouse because you're posting this on here. I'd back right off before you say or do something you regret. You could potentially ruin your marriage even without sleeping with this guy, because effort you're putting into texting this OM is effort you are taking away from your H and developing your real life.

Just bite the bullet and text OM to say he's done nothing wrong and you really like him but that you've realised how inappropriate it is to continue the way you have been and would like to put things back on a more professional footing.

I feel incredibly sorry for this person you call a 'friend'. You've messed with his head, telling him you fancy him, acting like his long distance girlfriend, leading him on and now you've had enough and you just want to be mates... And you 'can't quite put your finger on the tension'????? Does the phrase 'prick-tease' mean anything to you? If that's how you treat your friends, god help your enemies.

I don't understand what you are asking or what you think you need advice about

So what exactly is your question?

Texting a person 20 times a day is not a friendship I'm afraid, it's a lot more sinister, if you want to remain married then you need to stop acting like you are single, or maybe, that's what you want to be....

Seeing as how the three wise MN have answered Dahlen, Corgito and AnyF .. we mere mortals can only sit and nod in agreement

err if my DP was texting another women 20 times a day and had at some point been attracted to her I would not be ok with it. If you were a bloke you'd have been thoroughly flamed by now.

Cut all ties and reconsider your definition of appropriate boundaries within a relationship and leave the bloke alone.

I suppose I'm asking why things have gotten a bit weird.

We've always been friends, never more. He's never been attracted to me, I just had a short lives crush on him some time ago, quite possibly because of the difficulties my DH and I were facing at the time.

As I said, we were texting probably 20ish times a day - just general chit chat about music, social plans and normal banter. We still do, but less frequently. We still have a giggle, and we have a great time when we meet up once a month or so.

And sorry - pricktease? There's never been any suggestion from me that an affair was on the cards, nor any suggestion from him that he wanted anything other than friendship.

There's just been a bit of a tense air the last couple of times we've met up and I don't know why.

You are seriously deluded if you think this is only a friendship, what friends text each other 20 times each day, get real, you sound like a tennager not a married lady.

What you are describing is scenarios you should be having with your husband, not some guy you were attracted to and could become again, and I wouldn't be so sure that your friend doesn't find you attractive either, most guys don't text a lady 20 times a day unless there's more to it, they're too lazy for a start.

Still don't understand what you are asking, if I was you, I'd concentrate on my partner, not some guy you keep a secret.

"He's never been attracted to me, "

The hell he hasn't. Straight men (I'm assuming he's straight) don't message women they are unattracted to in the middle of the night etc. If he's the decent sort he'll have said he isn't attracted to you in order to give you a get-out from ruining your marriage. But you're leading him on and it's very cruel.

just stop it all now before your husband calls time on your marriage .

You don't understand why things have got "weird" ?

You told your Fancy Man you have feelings for him

You act like he is your boyfriend, and you are in the first flush of lust with him (despite being married to someone else)

A bunch of strangers can't help you here if you don't see a problem with your behaviour

Perhaps tell your husband the full picture and ask him for his take on it ?

Messy!

Cut ties if you value your husband as a person and a partner.

Just curious, but I'm assuming you haven't admitted the brief attraction to your husband?

No my DH doesn't know that I had a crush on my friend. He knows everything else though as I've never hidden it away.

I don't understand how I'm leading my friend on though. He knows full well that it was a crush, long since gone away. I really hate the thought of hurting anyone in this. My DH said he had a problem with the volume of messages and contact, so I cut it down and he's happy with how things are now.

Your H is not being told the whole truth

How would you feel if your H was having this level of intimacy with a woman that he had openly told that he fancied ?

Answer the question honestly

You're kidding yourself though.

Sorry but you are...because your H had no idea about the crush (regardless of whether it's gone or not) and so he's also missing a very important bit of context surrounding this.

Of course you're both right in that it would make me feel uncomfortable. But I think it would be weird to tell him that now. I think probably he does know, but it's never been talked about. At the time we were having some problems and both of us were distant.

I'm just going to reiterate my earlier advice.

Cut all communication with your friend if your marriage is your priority.

It's really not on and I'm betting that if the roles were reversed, you'd want the same respect shown to you.

Then why is this behaviour ok for you ?

Who do you think you are ?

< sheesh >