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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it downhill hill from here?

22 replies

lunareef · 05/07/2013 00:41

So my hubby has actually bought a fanny on the internet...yes a fanny! on a stick! So is it the end of our sexual relationship? Can this fanny deliver more than me? I guess it's there 24/7 and I on the other hand am 2days in 4 weeks! We have always been open to sex toys so his thought is why can't a man have a 'toy' as it is like a woman having a dildo. I see his point but a fanny on a stick?? It makes me a little uncomfortable but I guess it's better than being nagged for sex or him going elsewhere....thoughts please?

OP posts:

ofmiceandmen · 05/07/2013 00:56

Well reverse roles for a second:
if you felt yourself at the point of nagging for sex what would you do- and dare he go for porn or anything like that (enough thread on MN to tell you that often leads to an end).

Perhaps address the bigger problem - why do you feel he is nagging or better still are you compatible sexually?

2 days in 4 weeks. read threads on how that makes women feel - unloved and unattractive.
The fanny on a stick is a red herring- there are bigger problems here. (DC's - no time for each other? lack of cuddling and romance - sex becomes a replacement)

to answer your question - this is the beginning of the it for tat and yes it does often go downhill from here if you do not deal with the bigger issue.

ofmiceandmen · 05/07/2013 00:58

correction - this is the beginning of the 'tit for tat' *

Original poster

lunareef · 05/07/2013 01:18

We were once sexually compatibale. We both have stressful work commitments and stress of kids (like nearly everyone). I know there is a bigger issue, from my point of view I work part time, study for a degree and look after two children and do pretty much all household chores. He only does it if asked and interprets it as nagging as he only seems to 'hear' it second or third time. So when it comes down to hanky panky it is as if it is an expectation of me to put out...not appealing for me as haven't been made to feel special. I have tried to tell him this but so far it has not gone well. Oh heck. We are compatible in every which way, why do things change like this. How do people reignite the flame?

OP posts:

ofmiceandmen · 05/07/2013 09:16

bumping this as I think wiser heads may offer a better help.

Roshbegosh · 05/07/2013 09:22

I would struggle at the thought of DH buying a fanny on a stick, it sounds vile.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 09:24

Thoughts are that you need to talk if this makes you uncomfortable. No point posting on the internet and quietly seething. Express yourself and your feelings, not only about the toy but also the 'bigger issues' as you call it - crap sex, taken for granted, laziness etc etc. Your relationship doesn't sound particularly equal or healthy at the moment and, if you genuinely are 'compatible', then you should be able, as mature adults, to find ways to resolve it to everyone's satisfaction. Couples counselling could help. But, whatever you do, you need to talk.

BreeWannabe · 05/07/2013 09:25

Just for a slightly different perspective... How is this any different from women who buy vibrators?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 09:29

It's not the purchase of the article, it's the response it creates in the other person. If the OP had bought a vibrator and this was the 'last straw' making their DH feel uncomfortable, unloved or surplus to requirements then they would also need to have an honest conversation about the state of their relationship

ofmiceandmen · 05/07/2013 09:29

My experience was not too dissimilar but I was the man in the relationship and found that the more I bent over backwards to accomodate things the worse it got.
must note I think she blamed me for the children - as I always wanted them and they never turned out to be what she expected (long story), so I guess the onus was on me too deal with them and feed them etc whilst being the bread winner (her expression).

Why do things change? well I think it has more to do with how reality is never how people expected things to be, he still wants his life and fun and the extra pressures he would rather not deal with.

How to reignite the flame? this is perhaps where the wiser heads will help. I tried to do it all, super dad/husband etc but now I know that was the wrong thing to do.
the obvious answer is communicate and hope that he is willing to openly wholeheartedly do so.

Wish you the best of luck.

omaoma · 05/07/2013 09:29

hmm... i always used to wonder why more blokes couldn't buy a fake-fanny rather than using prostitutes/affairs, as women are fine with a dildo. so on the one hand, it seems like a much less offensive way to deal with issues around sexual compatibility. did he discuss/ask you about it before he bought it? i can see how it would feel like a rejection if he did it off his own bat and possibly it reflects some much deeper schism in your communication /respect/ trust. women do buy and use dildos of course, but i suspect those that do so within relationships chat about it with their partners and include them in it? i know i would.

omaoma · 05/07/2013 09:31

sorry what i was working through there was: there's a difference between a sex toy being bought as a replacement, or an enhancement, for a couple's sex life.

TheFallenNinja · 05/07/2013 10:05

Who in the name of Elvis came up wit a fanny on a stick?

I suspect it would be a bit like buying value food, it may look like the real thing but isn't a patch on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 10:12

(I'm wondering where the stick comes into it )

Lemonies · 05/07/2013 10:16

Is it one of those torch like fannies?

I can see how it would be unsettling at first but I think you are right to just see it as a toy for the toybox OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 11:09

It is part of a bigger dissatisfaction though. It's not just a toy it's a representation of the way the relationship has deteriorated.

OneMoreChap · 05/07/2013 16:37

What? Would you buying a vibrator that always delivered an orgasm, be the end of your relationship, because it delivered more than he could.

Bizarre.
He has no right to have sex on you, but nor do you to complain about his masturbation, surely? Or is it because he's doing it the wrong way, or you know he's wanking?

CanadianJohn · 05/07/2013 17:51

Cogito, it's probably one of these

www.roboticblowjob.com/shop/fleshlightPussy

(Not that I would know about such things from personal experience, I hasten to add, but I am an expert googler).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 17:58

She's not complaining about masturbation OneMoreChap. Read the OP's second post more carefully... Worn out studying and looking after kids single-handed because any requests for help are dismissed as 'nagging'. The OP says she no longer feels 'special' sexually, is expected to 'put out' whenever required and, to add insult to injury, she's been replaced with a robotic blowjob (or whatever this thing is). It's a crap relationship and the robot has put the tin lid on it...

Original poster

lunareef · 05/07/2013 19:29

Thanks for the replies. I think we just lack time and energy that has caused this part of our relationship to become strained. All relationships go through it in their own way. Btw I have no issue with masturbation, porn or sex toys, just this fanny is a bit weird. He bought the fanny out of curiosity he says, if you have ever seen one you may share my view... How many times a month for sex is a 'healthy' amount? And how do I get him to do more around the house without nagging?

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 05/07/2013 20:46

CogitoErgoSometimes

So he's stopped nagging her, and she's worried about that too?
So, she'll "put out" if she's made to feel special...

But if a bloke didn't want to?
I think he's realised he's been a pain and he's wanking.
BFD.

How do you get him to do more round the house?
Ask.

FFS don't "put out" if he does more round the house, that way lies sex as tip and gatekeeping.

foolonthehill · 05/07/2013 21:25

OMC the Op has asked...she doesn't get "heard" until the second or third "ask" at which point she is accused of "nagging". I think that the other side of the sketch needs to bear responsibility for "hearing"...or maybe even doing some things spontaneously...it is after all his home and they are his children too.

OP If the responsibility for all these things isn't shared and you can't talk about it then perhaps it is time for Relate or similar to help your communication. Hopefully there is enough good to work on to bridge the current gap.

As to how much sex is normal....have no idea.....enough for both of you to feel ok???? But most importantly sex is supposed to build up a relationship not be yet another chore, or an exercise in emotional blackmail......it all starts with the communication doesn't it? then you can work from there

nickymanchester · 06/07/2013 00:30

OP,

So you have told him that you don't want sex:-

''not appealing for me as haven't been made to feel special''

and he has gone out and bought one of these fleshlight things

Perhaps give him a little credit for realising that keep on pressuring you for sex is not going well so he has taken steps to remove this pressure.

Although, can I just ask have you thought about how much this is you ''not feeling special'' and how much it is you, perhaps subconsciously, restricting sex with your DH as a punishment for his lack of involvement with the home and children?

Men can be rather strange about this and it can easily get into a downward spiral. You feel neglected and so don't feel like having sex. He then gets a lot less sex and so this makes him feel neglected which then affects his relationship with you which then makes you feel even more neglected which means you feel even less like sex etc etc.

This is made an awful lot worse if he feels that you are withholding sex in order to punish him. You may well not be, but that could certainly be how he interprets things.

As foolonthehill said above, you really do need to do a lot more communicating with each other and perhaps some external counselling may well help.

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