I'm sick of being the black sheep

[CuppaSarah]

I've put off posting this for so long, but I really really can't keep it all inside anymore.

My Mum and Sister are as thick as thieves with each other, but I jsut don't seem to have the same connetion they have with each other. Theres loads of reasons for this, but it just is hurting so bad. My thoughts are all over the place with this, so please bare with me if this is jumbled.

The two of them constantly exclude me from things, invite one another to do things. Which is fine of course, I dont feel I have to be invited to everything they do. But afterwards they delight in rubbing it in my face and god forbid I don't invite them along to anything I do. They even turn up when I ask them not to come.

When I'm with them I'm walking on eggshells. I can't help but seem to trigger something and I'm always the bad guy. I feel like I can't tell them anything about my life without them finding a way to twist it into me being immature, or childish or wrong.

The two of them have depression and other mental health issues and often swap medication with each other, or use the other to get things they have been taken of off. If I show any concern about this I get met with so much anger. that I'm not allowed to comment because I don't 'get it' I accept I don't get what it's like to feel like they do, but I'm just worried about what mucking around with medication can do.

I'm so tired of them making me feel different and them telling me what i can and can't do. They tell me how I'm not like them and how they don't feel close to me. But if I make an effort I'm being clingy and childish, if I back off I'm being cold and childish. If I try and tell them how it's making me feel I'm called selfish and told I'm a drama queen.

Now I've had DD, I'm always told I'm not dressing her appropriatly, or I'm not looking after her properly. I swear they think she belongs to them. It's at the poit where I dread any contact from them but am more scared of the consequences of not seeing them.

The thing is, I know the way they act is not ok. I know I look after my DD brilliantly. But I'm just so desperate for their approval and so afraid of their judgement I keep letting them put me down again and again. I hate being the black sheep as they put it. But at the same time I dont think they really like me or want me to fit in with them.

I'm so sorry this is so long and incomprehensible. I know it's a load of bratty whinning, but I'm really at a loss. What do I even do? All I want is my Mum and Sister to love me too.

Without wanting to sound like a psychology book, if you come from a dysfunctional family where your needs were (probably) not met as a child you will continue as an adult to crave the love and support you were not given in your family.
They will not change but you can learn to understand why. They are alike so they continue their behaviour as they feed off each other.
You can learn to detach from them and not get emotionally involved but this is hard without support eg some sort of counselling.
You can build up a family of choice- people who will give you the love and support - good friends and perhaps other family members.

Thankyou Officershitty(I love your name btw)

I do have DPs wonderful family. I really try to detach, but it's so difficult. Becoming a mother myself has made me realize how much I'm craving my own mothers love. I think the fact it's both of them makes it harder to face too, it makes me doubt myself since I'm always in the minority. Maybe counseling is a good option, I'm just terrified they'll say they're right and I'm a drama queen.

Thank you.
You're always in the minority?
If I was in the room with 10 Arsenal fans who were telling me that I was stupid to support Barnet FC then I would be in the minority, two wrong'uns don't make a right.
It is an emotional thing that goes deep from childhood. What was it like growing up with them?
If a parent has MH issues it is hard (but not impossible- many great parents have MH issues) for them to meet the emotional needs of their child. Your sister took after her mother- perhaps they are alike in personality and you are not.
To save your DD from a toxic grandparent and a toxic aunt, I would be inclined to stand up to them, with some support from your 'family of choice'. However, I am not in your shoes so cannot say how easy this could be.
Practice makes perfect, though.
I can understand why people become 'estranged' from their families.

Oh, and to add, it sounds like your self esteem may have taken a knock from these two women that by accident of nature you are related to.

Well, you may be in a minority with that pair, op, but thank god eh? Could you imagine being like them? Really?

My mum and sister are in cahoots too somehow, my sister is, I think, too jealous/stunted to be able to conceal her loathing of me, my mother however is calculating, cool and knows what she's doing, but hides it.

Family of Choice. That's what i'd love to be able to construct. I have superb friends, i'm blessed with them, but they are scattered all over europe.

I long to have a boyfriend with a great family that I can love, and show my son what love and family is all about.

I know it's possible... just have to fine it! :D

You're not alone pet, come over to stately homes!

Counselling would be a great help! It really helped me!

Go for it! You really are worth investing in!

Things were fine growing up till my sister had a break down at 14. Shortly after my parents split up and I ended up looking after my Mother. That was before I knew the depth of her MH issues. It was really hard becuase my sister and mum both depended on me, but I didn't even realize my life at that point was quite unusual.

Being the minority with your own family really really sucks!

Thank you Hissy I'm glad you have lots of support around you too. I shall have to pootle over to the stately homes soon.

What you have written is certainly NOT bratty whining.

Like many a child now an adult who were and remain victims of such toxic parenting, you are deep in what is known as FOG - fear, obligation, guilt with regards to this toxic twosome.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours in this one remains scapegoat. These two toxic women will not change, they are enabling each other. It is NOT your fault they are this way, your sister seems to be a carbon copy of her mother and is probably also the favourite/golden child. Such triangulation within families is not uncommon, infact its a tactic that many narcissistic mothers employ. The golden child role is not without price but your sister is too stupid to realise this. These two need you to be their scapegoat; do not allow them to do this to you anymore!. Such damaged people are incapable of providing what you want from them, again its not your fault.

Such toxic crap like this often filters down the generations as well, its not altogether surprising that they have now started to comment on your DD as well. How old is your DD?. I would state that if they are too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, then they are certainly too toxic for your child to be having any sort of contact with. They will not bring anything at all positive into her life either.

Do you have any contact with your Dad now?.

Do visit the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the resources at the beginning of that thread. "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward is a good starting point for you to read. I would also suggest counselling for you. As Hissy correctly states you are worth investing in.

The way I see it is that you don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose how much of your life you share with them. You're an adult now, you have a partner, a family of your own and presumably a circle of friends, work colleagues and other people you come into contact with who can provide you with the affection, affirmation and respect you need and deserve. You don't actually need your mother and sister at all, and it's when you realise that and start treating them as 'the nutters down the road'... semi-detached, genetically-linked, optional extras to your happy, successful, rewarding life... then you'll be able to detach yourself from their bizarre behaviour.

In a family of black sheep... you're the white one.

Great post Cog, I found that helpful, and am fairly sure others will too!