Verbal abuse

[flobberdobber]

DH is verbally abusive towards me. He has anxiety issues and problems dealing with the stress he faces at work. He takes this out on me. He acknowledges that he does it and accepts that it's wrong. He needs counselling but won't get around to making an appointment.

Can our relationship recover from this? Can counselling stop taking out his problems on me? I don't want to have to LTB but don't want my DC (2.5 and 6 weeks) growing up in abusive environment.

Your relationship can recover but only if he takes full responsibility for his behaviour, takes steps himself to fix it and you stop colluding with his pathetic excuses.

You may not want to LTB but the sad truth is that abusive people like your DH have no incentive to change until the consequences of not changing are painful enough. All the time you stick around playing Happy Families he's got no motivation to do anything except pay lip-service and wait for the dust to die down.... when he'll just go right back to normal

Make a stand for yourself and protect your kids. Tell him you sympathise with his anxiety, stress and all the rest but that he has to leave while he gets help & sorts himself out. Once he's properly fixed the problem to your satisfaction (and that's going to take months, not days) you might consider letting him back in the family. And then prepare to be a single parent because, sadly, an abusive, bullying personality is a very difficult thing to correct.

What Cogito wrote.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

Are you afraid of him, have you modified your own behaviours over time to try and keep his verbal violence (because this is what this really is) at bay?.

What's he like when he's outside the home; does he shout at other people as well (probably not because it would not be tolerated) or do you solely take the brunt of his abuse?. What are his parents like?. He is probably very plausible outside the home.

Joint counselling if you were thinking of that would be a complete non starter here as it is never recommended where there is ongoing abuse.

Such men also are adept at telling their spouse what they so badly want to hear. Words are cheap though, its actions that matter and he has done nothing apart from pay lip service to it. I cannot see any recovery at all unless he starts to take full responsibility for his actions and that is not happening at present; it likely will not either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; your children are and will be learning from the two of you and currently damaging lessons are being imparted to them. They are indeed growing up in a verbally abusive environment; you cannot even begin to fully protect them from his outbursts and what if they start emulating his behaviour on you?. Leaving is an option because this sort of abuse towards their mother will blight their childhoods.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Thank you Cogito and Atilla. I can assure you we're not playing happy families at the moment. I suppose I'm deperately hoping that the stress at work will go away and that things will get better when the baby sleeps. The stress will go but the attitude will stay. He does take responsibility for his behaviour, in the sense that he acknowledges it's unacceptable to speak like that, he doesn't do it to anyone else, he doesn't do it public. So although he knows he's in the wrong it's only after the fact, he still does it and won't take responsibility for correcting it by actually following through and making a counselling appt. We live overseas and have an English speaking counsellor living 200m away, it's not like there's a huge logistical barrier.

His parents' relationship is great, they're loving and incredibly supportive of him and me. He had MH issues at uni and was under a great deal of stress. It was before I met him, I think they just absorbed it, didn't pull him up on it and didn't force him to seek help. I don't brush it under the carpet, I stand up to him and point it out to him. I've now got to hammer home the point about needing counselling. It's a necessity now.

Thank you for your responses, it's really helpful. I know what I need to do. Why am I desperately clinging at straws?

You're clutching at straws because, like his parents, you want to believe something along the lines of love conquers all, he's not a bad person, he's got MH problems/stress/anxiety and just needs some support/treatment/whatever. Also, the ramifications in your life of showing him the door until he starts turning 'acknowledgement' into 'action' - i.e. splitting up - are unpleasant enough that you want to keep kicking that can down the road.

I'm very glad you're standing up to him but all that's achieving is that you are stressed out trying to drag him to counselling as well as subjected to abuse. It's not helping your children, it's not giving you peace of mind and - crucially - it's not changing his behaviour one iota.

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. You don't get anything from this do you?.

He does not do this outside the home either (thought so) so he is choosing to take out all his verbal abuse on you. He feels entitled to abuse you, such men as well hate all women. Abusive men also are quite plausible to those in the outside world. Perhaps you're right in that eventually the stress at work will go away - then it will be replaced by some other issue for him to take out all his crap on like the children being too noisy and blaming you again for all his problems at work and home.

His parents brushed it all under the carpet but you cannot ignore the elephant in the room now. You write like you are hoping against hope for the best but such men do not change. You could waste years being stuck in such a mindset.

I repeat, the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. He and you by staying within this currently are both teaching your children damaging lessons.

Counselling won't help if he does not want to go. Coercing someone into counselling as well is doomed to failure. He may not actually feel that he has a problem or needs counselling (which is often of no use at all for abusers anyway). He is not taking any responsibility for his actions either and that is yet another red flag re him.

What you have tried to date has not worked. Continuing to do the same in the hopes change will follow will only cause you more emotional pain.

You and your children already ARE in an abusive relationship. It will never get any better.

Your baby would have been exposed to it even in the womb.

Do something today! Refuse to put up with a single word more,and tell HIM to leave.

He won't take you seriously.

He's abusing you because he can, and because he wants to.

Read Why Does He Do That - Lundy Bancroft.

Can't add any more to what has been said. Hard to read for you, I am sure but no truer words have been spoken

Saving the verbal abuse for you is NOT a good sign, it is a very poor indicator in fact because it means he has lost all respect for you

If he can stop himself verbally abusing everyone else, why not you ? Because he simply doesn't want to...