He's leaving

[LeFreakCestChic]

I told him over a year ago that our (22 yr) relationship was over and after a pain filled, often anger fuelled, distressing and frankly, shit year, he's going. Do I feel happy? No. Relief? No. Just the most heartbroken and guilty and upset I have ever felt. There was no affair, just me falling out of love with him. I have grown up with him, have never lived alone, he's a kind man, we have 4 beautiful kids. I am dreading him leaving although I find living with him difficult and am terrified of what happens next. But I asked for this so why do I feel so fucking awful?

22 years is a long time, it's no wonder you feel wobbly. This is a really big change for you all. It is normal to be scared - it is scary.

((hugs))

Sorry I can't add anything more constructive, I 'fell out of love' with my exP, he was my best friend, we had been together for 15 years, we split up 7 years ago (at my behest). I couldn't say I would change things as I have my lovely 2.5yo DS but there are times when I think back and wish things could have been different.

If you are not relieved or happy then is this really what you want? Do you know what you want? Is there absolutely no chance you could salvage the relationship? I'm not trying to project from my own experience, I'm purely going on the impression I'm getting from your post. Or maybe you could do it on a trial basis - if your OH is agreeable.

Good luck x

Thanks. I thought I was clear sighted about my decision and have been increasingly unhappy over the past 5 or so years. We are very different people. But the grief of this process is unlike anything I've experienced and although I was unhappy with him, what lies ahead doesn't make happy. He didn't deserve this, much less my kids.
God, I'm a confused mess.
How will I live with only seeing my kids 4 days a week?

How old are your DCs?

Sorry I am off to bed now but I hope someone else will be along to give you some advice x

It's probably fear of the unknown and fear of change. We all have a tendency to think that change might be worse than it often is. Sometimes it is of course but if you're the instigator there's less chance of that.

It might help to see this in terms of 'possibilities'. Would sticking with what you've got present any new possibilities? Would being single? If the answers to that are no and yes, it's a question of deciding whether you want to embrace a life full of new possibilities. That can be uncertain but also exciting.

Hmm. 'Kind' man. Does that mean 'Not actually ever physically violent or not very much'? Does it mean a man you were never all that physically attracted to but who told you repeatedly that you would 'grow to love him'? Did you initially get together in a situation where you felt - or were told - that you ought to be grateful to him?

Of course, some relationships between perfectly nice, decent people simply run out of steam and it's fine to decide to move on if that's how you feel. Couple-relationships are not compulsory, and everyone has the right to end a relationship and walk away - it's just best to be as fair and decent about it as you can manage.

In the sales trade there is a phrase. 'Buyers' Remorse' referring to customer behaviour when making a big purchase decision. Fired up and enthusiastic, options researched, finances arranged, they sign on the dotted line for the car, the holiday, the apartment.... and a few days later they get the 'Oh Christ what have I done?!!' feeling and the doubts creep in. A good sales team, knowing this, will make sure they keep in contact with the customer after the sale to reassure them that they've made the right choice.

Ending a marriage is an emotional/rational decision rather than a purchase decision but it's about as big as they come and you're experiencing roughly the same thing. In the absence of post-sales service you need to talk to people who understand why you made the decision in the first place and will support you in seeing it through. Best of luck

Thanks for all your replies. 'kind' is just that; a very kind, practically considerate man who did all the shopping, cleaning etc eyc but could just not connect emotionally.
Buyers remorse sums it up well. The closer we get to him leaving the more I unravel.