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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone showing interest, I'm scared after past horrific divorce. Help!

10 replies

Happymum22 · 03/07/2013 22:47

I was anxious about posting but hope the lovely MN ladies can help me.

Today I was at a work business meeting. I have been to millions of these before but am in a female dominated industry where generally meetings are dull and short...I am a Primary School Deputy Head and education adviser, I am 50 and the meeting was a gathering of educational expert types.

I arrived alone and didn't recognise anybody so sat next to a bloke where the most obvious available aisle seat was. We got talking, all very job-related chat. We then got onto our own children's schools/career paths and found common ground with our children attending some of the same schools and with my DD and his DS both working for the same company in the same London office. We really got on, but just in a sort of way that we had so much to chat about due to so many similarities. It turns out his wife sadly passed away 9 years ago.

At the end of the day, he asked if I fancied grabbing a drink. I declined making an excuse, in reality I was too scared and panicked :( he asked if maybe we want to meet in Xtown (where we both live) another time. I said that sounded nice and he gave me a business card.

All this has literally struck me with shock. It has been over 10 years since my exH had a horrific affair, became violent with me and DC and it all ended up incredibly messy with court orders and DC battling for years with the issues he left us with and trauma of it all. My 4 DC are all now grown up, 15-23, very resilient and happy with their own lives. I am close to them all and while 2 of them live away from home at uni/moved out, other two will be off in a few years too, I have a very good relationship with all of them. Over the years I accepted the trauma I experienced has left me not wanting another relationship and I have built up a good and fulfilling life juggling my children, career, friends and interests. I worry I am not in the position to want even a date, but at the same time wonder if this is time to give it a go and to regain my trust and faith in men!

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and he was just being friendly, but it felt a little more... I don't know!! I don't know what to do, I asked DS if he remembered this man's son (didn't tell him why!) and he said he did and he is a 'top guy'.

Half of me wants to go, nothing to loose, half of me is terrified and unsure I want to go down that road. I talked to my DD who is home from uni, she was as shocked as I was but lovely and comforting. I have only ever gone on one date since exH which was a bad experience. She told me to go into it thinking he wants friendship, that way there is no disappointment or hurt. If I do contact him, do I text or call or what?! Help me please!!

OP posts:
ratflavouredjelly · 03/07/2013 23:00

Was moved by your thread. Good for you - having some well deserved attention. You have one life - live it I say. At the very least you may enjoy some interesting conversation, male attention and do something to raise your confidence - although you're clearly an alpha female in the workplace! I'm sure someone will be along with more advice soon Smile

ofmiceandmen · 03/07/2013 23:22

I suppose I dont quite qualify as being an MN lady, but what little knowledge I have tells me the fact that you are feeling the glimmers of a spark means you are indeed ready.

You obviously do not need a man to feel complete and maybe thats the best time to rekindle that side of things.

Good luck and ditto on the you live one life comment. don't let your X win or continue to influence your life by default.

bigstrongmama · 03/07/2013 23:31

Oh I hope you meet up with him! Is there something you would like to do with him, going out for a coffee and a walk or whatever? If so, you could just text him saying do u fancy doing whatever next Tuesday (or whenever!) and see how it goes. Just like you might a female friend. Texting saves on awkwardness imo :)

ninah · 03/07/2013 23:33

well as a single primary school teacher of 40 ahem - respect on pulling at work! Grin
just think of yourself as a buyer rather than a seller and you won't go wrong

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 03/07/2013 23:45

That sounds great. Smile

If you'd come out of your difficult relationship 6 months ago then this might be a problem.

He's only suggested a drink. You don't have to decide if you want to marry him or even have a relationship yet.

Happymum22 · 04/07/2013 00:08

Thanks for the encouraging replies. I feel so out of practice, old and still in shock.
To add to my mix of worry an email came through this evening and we are working on a new report together, with a number of others. We will be seeing each other again, whether I like it or not.
I think I will text though, acknowledging we are doing the report together and suggesting a coffee. (I am absolutely, completely terrified but persuaded)
These things really do happen when you least expect it.

I am liking the me as a buyer concept ninah.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2013 10:23

Like your DD, the way I look at things like this is that you can't have too many friends. If you go for coffee you might a) have nothing to talk about, b) make a new friend, c) find a romantic connection.... or d), e), f) and so on. Good luck

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 04/07/2013 11:02

Have you texted yet OP?

Happymum22 · 04/07/2013 12:00

Yes I texted this morning and got a reply, we are meeting not this weekend but the one after for a coffee at local gardens which have a coffee shop.
Still terrified but got time to forget about it before needing to worry again! It was a lovely and friendly reply though. The first meeting for the report focus group is the week after our coffee.
CogitoErgoSometimes- I like your post.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2013 12:08

There was a TV advert not long ago where, in the space of 30 seconds, the couple meet, talk about common likes, moving in, marriage, kids, then have the 'it's not you, it's me', 'I need some space' conversation and break up. I forget the product :) My point being, I know what it's like to want to be in control of events and be prepared for next steps, but resist the temptation to 'fast-forward' this cup of coffee into something it isn't and just enjoy the moment.

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