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Relationships

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Original poster

Why oh why do I complicate things?!

19 replies

mycomplife · 03/07/2013 20:03

Hi there....

I'm in need to vent or I will explode! :(

This could be convoluted...but here goes...I started in my current job 7 years ago and it was great! I was young, in a male dominated workplace and it was fantastic!

I became really great/flirty friends with this one guy (lets call him K). He's lovely and would shower me with attention. We were both like minded (kindred spirits) and things started to get more serious between us...the only thing was, he started to see this other girl from his hometown...I was just so into home I didn't care...but it then got to the point that I couldn't take it. He wouldn't make the choice, so I made it for him...so I told him I wanted to finish it. In time I got serious with someone else (let's call him M). We moved so fast, we were living together within weeks. When K found out about M, you could tell he was devastated. But he grinned and beared it. M and I got engaged after 6 months together and a month later I found out we were pregnant...again K was unhappy but kept face because we still regarded each other as friends. Not that long after he told me he was going to ask his GF to marry him...showed me the ring and everything...but I was caught up in my own stuff to react how he wanted. Anyway fast forward 3 years, I'm married with a DD and new house. K was getting married and I thought things couldn't be any better. But then K started coming to me to vent about problems with his mrs. And I know it was wrong considering both our situations, but all the old feelings came flooding back for us.

We would talk for hours and tell each other things we wouldn't dare tell our partners. He then told me if I hadn't moved on so quickly it would have been K and I that would be getting married. He said i was his soulmate...and he was in love with me. And I felt the same.

We didn't do anything physical, but some say that the emotional attachment can be worse. But M found out and this made for a very unhappy time of all of our lives. All my fault...I take full responsibility.

M and I moved on (I say moved on...but I really mean functioning). I am reckoning that I made the wrong choice in staying with M...that I should have just cut my ties when I had the chance. But now I am risking it all again.

K has been contacting me again...with all the same chat...we decided at our last indiscretion that we wouldn't talk again unless it was work related. This has killed me (and him) everyday for the past 2 years...and now we're talking again he said he has never missed a person more than me.

So here's the conundrum...should I stay with M and live an unhappy existence based only on me staying for DD or should I go? I know this doesn't guarantee me K by leaving but I mean for my own sanity. If K can manage to turn my head so easily...I shouldn't be with M, right?

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 03/07/2013 20:07

Yes. You should go if your unhappy

LeaveTheBastid · 03/07/2013 20:51

Yes, go. Go and find your happy, and give M the chance to be with someone who he makes happy.

Teeb · 03/07/2013 21:35

Yep, end it. But don't count on K being around at the end of it.

Ikeameatballs · 03/07/2013 21:39

End it with M but I think K (and possibly you too) like the thrill and "romance" rather than the reality of life. So don't be surprised if it doen't last long term.

Xales · 03/07/2013 21:42

Is k in a relationship?

Either if he is or isn't leave well alone.

Sort out your current relationship for better or ending it but don't get into anything with any other man until it is all resolved.

If he isn't single then stay well clear even after sorting/ending your relationship.

carolst · 03/07/2013 21:57

If he isn't single then stay well clear even after sorting/ending your relationship

I agree. Decide if you want K is a separate issue to M. You either want to work it out with K or not. If you don't want K end it, and stay single for a while and sort your head. If it is meant to be then M will stay clear and wait.

LEMisdisappointed · 03/07/2013 22:08

Um, well you see, heres the thing - you have a child with M, but yeah, leave M for an ex who chose another woman over you! So long as you are happy eh?

carolst · 03/07/2013 22:34

Sorry I had my M & K's muddled. I mean that staying or leaving M is separate. But if you cannot work it out stay single. The very presence of K affects your ability to think straight about M though so K needs to stay away either way so you can either rebuild relationship with M or end it fairly.

ofmiceandmen · 03/07/2013 23:34

Oh my... if you were a man writing this you would have certainly been in for a flaming.

as the rest have said... K doesn't actually feature in your relationship at all. your decision must purely be based on your experience with M.

Thus far you have hardly given M your full effort as you've been having an emotional affair with K from the very start. and M was pretty much a rebound filler.

K is the thrill, the unobtainable, just out of reach prize. He will always win under these circumstances.

FrancescaBell · 04/07/2013 01:36

So just before K started unburdening himself about his 'problems with the Mrs.' (yuck to that label) you thought that 'things couldn't get any better' in your life?

End your marriage by all means. It sounds like you ruined what at the time you thought was the perfect life which is sad for you, your husband and your child but not unusual in self-destructers.

But K's unlikely to be a factor in any new life. He didn't choose you over his partner when you were single and it's very unlikely he'd choose you once you were a divorcee with a child.

He'll probably wait for you to leave your husband and then marry his girlfriend.

But at least your husband would be single and free to find someone else, as you will. Or you could continue to be K's occasional extra. Leaving opens up choices for your husband mainly. Yours would be restricted I think to being single and meeting someone else in time, or being a part-time partner to K. I don't think there will be others for you personally.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2013 01:46

As to the relationship you are in: would you be happier single than you are with M? If so, end that relationship and be single for a while. K sounds like the sort of lightweight who always wants what he can't actually have - or possibly you have decided he's your 'soulmate' and while he likes the ego-boost of that, he doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you at all.

arsenaltilidie · 04/07/2013 07:48

K had the chance to be with you when you were both single but instead went for his Mrs (that in itself says a lot about what he thinks of you).
Then he 2 times her with you but decided to stay with her even though it was the begining and still relatively early into his relationship (he could have left).
When you got into a new relationship, he wasn't saving face by acting indifferent, he just wasn't bothered.

Now that he's a bit bored with his mrs, he is rekindling the old guaranteed 'bird' that will most likely shag him if he puts a bit of effort.
Gven he could have been with you at the begining, and knows you have a small DD chances are he doesn't care about you. He doesn't sound nice at all, saying it 'could have been you' sounds cruel tbh.

MumnGran · 04/07/2013 07:57

Do it right for yourself, for a potential future relationship ....and for the poor wife of your ex boyfriend!!
Your marriage is obviously not working as you are looking for the excuse to leave and seeking 'permission' here. Thats fine, leave.
BUT ...then live by yourself for a while. Get a grip on who you are, what you want, and do some growing up.

If, in the meantime, the ex boyfriend also leaves his marriage because it also is not working, if he also lives alone for a while and sorts out what he wants from life.....well then, maybe the two of you will decide that what you truly want from your lives is to be together.

At the moment, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and you are looking at breaking up two marriages because of it. End your marriages because they are over not because you fancy hooking up with someone else ...and regardless of all the back story, thats what you are talking about.

BumgrapesofWrath · 04/07/2013 08:04

You know what, I don't think either man is the one for you. I think really you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll forget about K

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 04/07/2013 08:19

Your husband deserves better. Leave him and allow him to have a happy life regardless of K. Because unless K has already left his wife, he's as bad as you.

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/07/2013 08:35

OP please go for some relationship counselling (ALONE!) or do something like the freedom programme. You sound about 14 and/or trapped in a Twilight sort of relationship fantasy.

Adult relationships are not like this. Learn how adult relationships work (ie, without all the drama) eand you'll be a hell of a lot happier.

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/07/2013 08:36

In fact just bookmark this/add on facebook and start reading! www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/07/2013 08:37

Look - they do an e-course! www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/courses/build-your-self-esteem-8-week-ecourse/

Drunkendiva1 · 04/07/2013 08:41

You need to do right by M & let him move on to find someone who deserves him. As for K, he doesn't want you & you aren't his soul mate-drop that romantic notion as it's bullshit designed to help him have his cake & eat it.

Try being on your own for a while then see where life takes you but you should absolutely leave your marriage as you don't love M or you wouldn't be behaving as you are.

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