Need advice please

[confused76]

Hi all I've been lurking for a while hoping to see if anyone else has a similar situation, this is my first post so here goes.
My DW and I have been married nearly 3 yrs together for 15 yrs, we have two DC's 5 and 2
We met abroad and she moved here to live with me in 1999 and we've been together since. Maybe a bit TMO but I've always desperatley lacked self confidence and she is the only person I've ever "been" with. In all our time together I've always organised EVERYTHING in our relationship, that means house admin stuff car admin stuff etc. and I've always been the main breadwinner. She has never built a network of friends as such and I dare say doesn't even know the city we've lived in all this time very well. All our friends tend to be mutual friends, her family live a distance away where as my mum and sister are very local.When the first of our DC's was born she quit work after her maternity leave ended, then found another job she enjoys part time where her work fits around mine. I work shifts and she works on my days off. I guess shes always had "dead end" jobs and fair enough mine is going nowhere fast but I earn decent money and it keeps the show rolling along.
Now when I'm at work (12 hour day or night shifts) I'll regularly come home to find my tea in the microwave, kids running around like loons and watching cartoons at 2000 and I'll help settle them and put them to bed etc. before seeing to myself. Or if I'm on nights I get in at 0800 to find them either just getting up or not dressed etc. approx 30 mins before they leave for school so I help get them organised and take DS to school. Then I'll finish my 3 shift set to find housework needs doing or loads of washing to do or shopping etc. so I do it on my 3 days with the DC's. Meanwhile she either leaves at 0630 and comes home for a couple of hours mid afternoon before going back to work while around 2130. My time with the DC's is super organised I'm like a well oiled machine, kids up at 0700 fed washed and dressed and out ny 0830 then either DD to nursery or we spend the day out and about doing things like park shopping etc. then pick DS up at 1500 home cook tea, bath, reading, relaxing and bed. Then after this is my time to relax. Basically from 0700 to 2000 I'm on the go constantly. This brings me to the final thing, I've recently started to have a real health kick I've lost 70lbs (so far) and I've developed a very positive outlook on life in general. I feel great and my confidence is growing a lot. My DW doesn't really support me in this and has on several occasions accused me of having an OW. I haven't but to be honest lately I feel like a total doormat. I bust my ass at home to make sure the house is nice and we eat well look after the kids and nurture their education etc. then go to work for three days or nights to earn the money to keep all the bills paid, only to find that I come home to start my 3 days off to find it all needs doing again. To summarise she doesn't seem to do a great deal while I'm at work. This means I have started to feel very resentful lately and totally unappreciated. I'm not expecting miracles just a bit more effort on her part when I'm not there.
I have spoken to her about it but to be honest I'm wasting my breath and she won't change, in a recent argument over this I said that she couldn't wipe her own arse if I wasn't there to hand her the loo roll!
I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't really have any feelings towards her positive or negative I just feel numb regarding her. But I don't want to hurt our dc's and I know for a fact that we can't afford financially to split as I don't have the money to run two homes on my salary. The money she brings in pays for the grocerys and DD's nursery thats it.
The final thing is that I'm developing crushes all over the place for any woman who pays me the slightest bit of attention. I think this is due mostly to me feeling so undervalued at home, and being more confident in my new slimmer self. I also think that due to my total lack of experience with women that i'm totally misinterpreting people being friendly for something else.
There are other factors which make me feel a total shit for even thinking this, but if I reveal anymore I may risk someone figuring out who I am from this post, if they haven't already.
I'll gladly accept anyones advice on what to do, just expressing this has made me feel a little better. And thanks for taking the time to read this enormous post !

Well, it's great that you have such an optimistic attitude to life but what about your wife. The DCs are small still - perhaps she could be doing something too, to give her a future to look forward to. What work skills does she have, perhaps she would like to improve her employability.
How often does she return to her own country?
She sounds in a rut and possibly depressed but you are writing her off too easily, she has decades of life in front of her what could she be doing to raise her enthusiasm?

Well she's studying for a vocational qualification to put her and us in a better financial position when DD starts school. Also she is from England we just met while she was working abroad and I was on holiday. What I'm getting at is I just feel our marriage is totally one sided and can't see that changing anytime soon

You need to talk to each other but properly. Set the time aside, get the children taken care of, give each other some space and then have a properly honest, grown-up, two-way conversation about the future and what's getting in the way of it being happy. I can't quite fathom through your schedule from your OP but you don't seem to even share a meal together let alone have time to enjoy each other's company. Even best friends are going to drift apart when they don't have the opportunity to connect.

If as a result of the conversation you find there is genuinely no future, neither of you are happy and no-one wants to change, don't let a little thing like money details keep you manacled together... make a decision, make a plan and part ways.

Thanks Cogito our schedules are nuts I do admit and we are rarely in the house together for more than a couple of hours unless we are asleep! Our support network is none existant near enough as my mum is in poor health. Her family are miles away and my sister has her plate truly full ATM. Whenever we try and talk this through we both get so defensive I don't know where to go from there really. Communication closes down and that's it. I'm tired of fighting and just don't know whether its better to call it quits. I just feel like I've got three kids not two ATM.

You have to decide whether you want to communicate or whether you want to call it quits. For couples that fundamentally still like each other, counselling can bridge the gap, get past the defensiveness and help you talk honestly... but, to be effective, everyone involved has to be enthusiastic and committed. If you don't even like each other any more, you're on a different path

I could be wrong but did you get together pretty young?

Yes we were both 21 and as I said before I had and still have very little experience

It's a pet theory of mine but it often holds up. Get together with someone before the age of about 25 and it's very risky because you're not fully-formed as people. If you don't know yourself yet, how can you successfully pick a life-partner? Think of your music or fashion tastes when you were 21... bet they've changed. Some couples manage it but far more fall by the wayside and there's even a phrase for it..... 'starter marriages'.

Forgive me for being blunt but age 21 you were, by your own admission, fat, wet behind the ears, a mass of insecurities and probably very grateful that any woman saw you as partner material. For her part, she seems to have very little confidence and was looking for a 'father protector', organising everything for her and she's been reasonably happy to be reliant on you so far. It sounds like it was never a relationship of grand passion (I'm guessing... you can correct me), and more one of co-dependence.

So if you've changed physically and become more confident and sociable, she'll see that as a threat to her stability. If she's fed up with being needy and dependent but feels trapped, you'll see that as her becoming distant. The danger of the situation, if you don't face up to it now as a couple and either resolve or split, is that someone at the gym will eventually catch your eye and it'll all end in acrimony and blame.

You seem to be pretty much bang on the money there and a lot of it seems to ring true. Thanks it's given me some food for thought

Can you take turns talking. If you allow an hour or two for the discussion then each one can complete what they want to say and you will hopefully eventually get to some honest truths. Which will be uncomfortable but each one can give a full response (rather than storming out or ending the discussion).