Have upset my mum and friends, am angry with DH and lonely

[BerkshireMum]

So I'm sitting here, in my nice new office, in my nice new shiny job (2 months in after 2 years at home) trying - and failing - not to cry.

New job is only a side issue. Will explain that bit later if you get that far!

First the background - it's a bit involved so hope you can follow.

MiL is widowed (18 months ago) and lives 1.5 hours drive away. Very active, recently recovered from a broken hip and now back to her normal social life. DH is very close to his mum. They both had a difficult relationship with his dad which cemented their relationship. His sister, who lives close to her mum, is a complete cow and did relatively little when MiL was in hospital.

My parents live in the same village as us. Both DH and I have a really good relationship with them. My mum has been my rock, especially since I've had children (DD11 and DS9). Although she isn't the primary childcare provider, she does loads, makes my life so much easier and has a very special relationship with the DC. All great.

This coming weekend DH, DC and I were supposed to be going to see his mum - staying there on Friday and Saturday night and then going over to see friends and our twin godchildren (age 2) for lunch on Sunday as they live near MiL. Don't see the friends often as it's actually him who's the friend (my DH's best friend) but wife doesn't like us - no idea why.

Yesterday, DH was given 3 corporate tickets to see Michael Buble on Sunday evening. Usually I'd be dancing in the aisles.....

He speaks to his mum, asks her to come with us then postpones friends, without saying why. Then tells me.

Last night friend's wife was on FB making pointed comments about "true colours finally showing through" and her being "proved right". We weren't tagged or messaged so I didn't react - least said, soonest mended etc. I plan to be in touch in the next few days without mentioning FB. I was upset and annoyed enough by DH having created that situation. Then came the call with my mum.

My DD told her this morning about me, DH and MiL going to Michael Buble. She was so upset and hurt. Can't understand why we didn't invite them as well - or probably even instead. Feels that they do so much and are taken totally for granted. They clearly aren't appreciated / I don't care about them etc, etc. I need to make other arrangements for all the things they do to help us out as they aren't willing to do it any more.

I feel awful. Firstly, I didn't, and wouldn't have done that. Secondly, my first thought when DH told me was about my parents. I am a bit worried about practicalities if they follow though, but that really isn't the main reason. I wouldn't hurt them for the world.

Phoned DH to tell him and his reaction was that if they're going to over-react maybe we should do things without them!!!!!!!! Not sure whether I'm more pissed off about his lack of care for my parents or blind assumption that I'll make other plans as he won't put himself out at all.

So, if you're still with me, I'm at work, in a senior role so no friends here to talk to. Missing my friends from the village desperately as I hardly ever see them now - don't get home til 7.30pm then its a good 90 minutes of mum's taxi, bedtimes etc etc.

How can I fix this? What do I do first?

Firstly your husband shouldn't be using corporate tickets for family. It's actually illegal under EU corporate bribery rules.

Next they are his tickets and his parent, your mum is being ridiculous.

He should have phoned your friends and cancelled properly and explained why.

Lastly I think everyone needs to stop acting like children.

It's not illegal. They were offered by a client. They are appropriately declared.

In addition to the above post I think your mum needs to grow up! Are you not allowed to do anything without her? She's really out of order.

All because of the Buble!

I don't think you really need do anything right now. Your mum is being v. silly. There were three tickets - what is he meant to do? Praps go round and see her with some flowers and DH and say how much you appreciate them, etc, etc.

As for the mates, leave them to DH. The passive aggressive response would put my back up.

Frankly, I wouldn't take flowers or apologise. That's just encouraging her ridiculous tantrum.

Thanks thisis. I think I'm so shocked and upset because this reaction is out of character for my mum. onesleep we do things without them lots - maybe that's the problem?

Your mum needs to grow up, seriously! She's had a massive tanty because your DH chose to take his mum and wife (you) to a concert with tickets he was given? What did your mum actually expect - that he would take her and your Dad instead? And leave you behind?

I think she is being ridiculous and her blackmail threats are just puerile. If she does follow through (and I really hope she doesn't) then she'll be cutting her nose off to spite her face because she'll miss out on time with her DGC.

Re. the wife of the friend - ignore. She's obviously got a spite against you for some reason and as such, isn't worth engaging with.

I knew Buble was trouble

smack them all

Is your mum normally this much of a twat? If not, then I wonder if she thinks that your h bought the tickets rather than having been given them and/or she might have liked to go with you and pay for her own ticket. Because sometimes people get hurt if they don't realise that only a limited amount of places were available and can't see why they haven't been invited to join the party (eg, you, your H and your parents and PIL are all fans of [performer/theatre production], and one of you decides to purchase (reasonably priced) tickets: it would be fairly normal to say 'Hey, we are going to get tickets for [whatever] do you want to come too?')

Branleuse me too! :-)

One one hand, I'm quite reassured to see everyone thinks the same about my mum. But it's just so out of character. She doesn't make threats or have tantrums and is one of the most unselfish people I know.

Friends wife - no previous history of us offending there. They only married 3 years ago, within a year of meeting. DH has know him for 25 years and me for 21! She's quite a bit younger and we're the only friends of his that he still sees - they spend the rest of the time with her friends. Suspect that says it all.

I presume that you've actually spoken to your mum on the phone (given the emotional blackmail threats etc.) - did you explain clearly that there were only 3 tickets available, given by a client to your DH? Or does she think (wrongly) that you have bought the tickets? Because (backtracking from my previous position slightly!) if she has got the idea from your DD that you bought the tickets, then I can fully see why she'd be upset.

If you aren't sure that she is 100% clear on where the tickets came from, then I think my first action would be to phone her back and make sure she DOES know that.

If she already knows that then my first position stands.

SolidGold I did wonder that. Rather hard to talk to her atm. I suspect DD didn't convey that this morning. I did when I spoke to her but she was already very angry and had been stewing about it all day so maybe didn't hear. Am rather tempted to get DH to talk to her and explain but scared that could make it worse......

Echo everyone else, your mum is being very childish and I am not surprised at your DHs reaction. If someone was blackmailing me with their help I would prefer not to have it at all!! Be it my mother or someone else. I think you should be standing by your H and think you are being unreasonable for not doing so.

I don't know about the friend situation. I wouldn't think too much of a public post (how lame) from someone who doesn't like me and my H for no good reason.

I would have said take the hint from your mum but with the blackmail and all I would go with your H and not bother at all.

Lunatic I'm not sure I feel guilty. I feel lonely bth. I miss my friends - although that sounds pathetic even to me - now I'm back working in London. My mum was kind of the only person I see regularly who was supporting me and now even she's pissed off (however unreasonably).

I came back to work for financial reasons- which I don't begrudge I hasten to add - but it is hard having both me and DH commuting 1.5-2 hours each way every day. I get precious little help with shopping, cooking, cleaning, coordinating children etc. Usually don't get to sit down at home until 10pm news is on by which it's time for bed as alarm goes off at 6am.

I thought family members helped out because that's what families do, not because they want treats and goodies out of it.
If I was your husband I would have probably made the same call, it makes sense with them being his tickets that he would invite the 2 most important people in his life to go along with him. It shows he was thinking of you first and the last remaining ticket would have been an obvious choice.

Explain the situation with them being a set number of tickets given to your husband (therefore the people attending are going to be his choice) and if she still reckons she and your dad should go above you then she needs to remove the stick from her backside and get over herself. Make other arrangements for the things your parents usually do anyway, as I'd be livid with being emotionally blackmailed like that and wouldn't be prepared to be put in that situation ever again.

So I would also think about why when your husband wanted to do something nice for you your first thought is to put your parents well being above time with your husband and something for you to enjoy. Do you often find your own wishes taking a back seat to theirs? To what extent does this happen (honestly) and why do you feel so beholden to them?

They may well help out with your family but that doesn't give them the right to jump off the deep end if you haven't grovelled enough or shown the correct amount of deference and gratitude as they see it.

Friend situation, you won't know more about until you have a chance to catch up face to face, you may be reading too much into things and its not about you at all. Or your DH has made a hash of rearranging things with them.

If an explanation makes the situation worse and you don't get an apology from your mother for getting hold of the wrong end of the stick then I'm afraid you may be experiencing at least a partially toxic relationship. Look on the stately homes thread to see if you identify with any issues there. You may or may not, I don't know your family dynamic but it is worth a look into if this is a common occurrence.

It sounds to me like both you and your mum are finding it difficult to adjust with you being back at work. It's hard juggling a long day + commute with everything else, so you must be very tired, and things you might have shrugged off seem like massive issues.

As regards your mum's reaction, how much more are you relying on her for practical support now you're back at work? To me your mum's reaction sounded more like an excuse to let off steam about how much she's doing for you. If the scope of that has increased a lot over the last two months, she might be feeling the strain? Sometimes people volunteer to help out without realising how much effort it will actually be (I don't know how old your mum is but that may be a factor).

Sounds like a chat with your mum to get to the bottom of it might help.

Mindreader I only thought about my parents because I know it's something they'd love too. Obviously, I wouldn't work this time. DH often chooses manages to forget how much my parents do - probably because he's rarely around to see and doesn't coordinate.

I'm just really tired and emotional. Am going to try and see a RL friend tonight then speak to my mum again tomorrow. I hate that I've made your sound awful because it's not her at all. But this is

If, as you say, this hissy fit is out of character for your mother, I think there might be more to it than meets the eye. I agree with noneshallsleep that you need to have a chat with her to find out if she is feeling the strain of you going back to work and thinks that you and DH are taking her for granted.

Do you know what? There's been a few upheavals and you're all obviously tired. You're miserable, your mum's chucked a hissy fit. It'll sort itself out, I promise you.

OK this is not a common occurrence BerkshireMum. So it seems there may be more to this than meets the eye and would second ideas to have a quiet chat and clear the air when you are all a little less tired.

It could be something innocent, or out of context which your mum has been letting fester not wanting to offend you. Or she could be finding the arrangement more difficult than she first thought it would be and doesn't want to let you down.

I would still look into other arrangements, so that if it is a bit much for her you can tell her to relax its not a problem because you have other options available and to only do as much as she is comfortable with. People can often bite off more than they can chew wanting to help and then feel they have to suck it up and stay quiet.

Hoping you get things sorted soon.