Emotional and physically abusive XH

[foolssilver]

Hi

I'm a bit of lurker but finally decided to post as I need some advice/support and maybe a kick up the backside.

I left my emotionally and physically abusive XH last year. I finally got to breaking point and when I left I was very angry about everything although I still loved him (I know it sounds crazy but there were good times in amongst the horrible times). He wanted to try again but I stuck to my guns and said no.

We have had a bit of contact recently to sort out some practicalities and it struck me that he seems to have really changed, he's seen a counsellor, seemed a lot more calm and has been really nice to me. I am now feeling that I may have made a mistake. It feels like he really was the love of my life and I just can't seem to get over it.

After months of just getting on with and trying to move on I am not an emotional wreck and worried that I should have tried and given things another go.

Anyone been in this situation?

Thanks for any advice and support.

anyone?

also edit *now an emotional wreck

Hi OP

This isn't situation I've had to deal with so can't give you any advice, but I just wanted to say that others will be along to talk to you. This board is fantastic for advice, sharing and general hand-holding, so hang tight.

Thanks Heartbrokenmum

Don't go there! Of course he seems like he's changed, he has lost his emotional punch bag! Sorry to be so harsh but if you go back I would bet my house on it reverting back very quickly.

Abusive men are abusive because of the way they think. Counselling won't fix that. The only thing that has a tiny (and I mean tiny) chance of working is if he willingly and wholeheartedly entered a specialist programme for abusers.

Please don't fall for the act. You've seen through it before, remember what he did and how much it hurt.

There are good men who are respectful, kind and loving out there. He is not one of them. Stay strong!

Just re read your OP and saw that has been physically abusive as well. What I just said x 100 in that case.

He has not changed. You made the right decision by getting out.

Hello OP.

Ok first the kick up the backside then the reason.

HE IS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE ! wtf are you talking about.

This man obviously made your life hell as you left him. I truly believe leopards don't change their spots.
I don't deny that he may have the potential to be nice to you, say kind things and be amiable for the sake of the dc. This doesn't mean you should let him any further into your life.
If you can't listen to reason that friends and family or Mnet may give you, then please take things really slowly and don't move in together again. I think at least a year of getting to know him again. But I don't think the counselling or support he has had could be completed in such a short time, for him to have turned his life around. Sorry OP but I think you deserve the truth.

You left for good reasons. Those reasons still stand. It hurts, but that is reality. (Can you tell I'm pissed off with reality too?)

Thanks everyone. I do know deep down it's stupid to think it might work, I just miss him terribly (the good parts) and I miss the life we had before things started to go wrong.

I know that doesn't change the way things ended up.

I just feel I've done an emotional U turn, I thought I was coping well and now bang, I'm a blubbering wreck who can't seem to get past missing him.

No DCs, sorry if I wasn't clear. The practicalities were some belongings and discussions about finances.

it's not unusual to feel like this some months after getting out (on the EA thread we call it the 6 month slump)...we are all prone to re-writing history, to selective memories about the good times...and you are still grieving the life you thought you were building but never had.

Don;t trust your feelings. Remember how hard it was to go. Remember why you had to go. It was hard to make those decisions and you had very good reasons. If he had wanted to he could have made it work the first time around.

look forward not back. the rest of your life is waiting for you...and you can make it good.

Thanks Foolonthehill, I will have a look for that thread. That's interesting and comforting that others have felt the same way. I left at the end of last year so 6 months is about right. I think you are right about grieving for a life that wasn't really there, I was fully committed to try and make our marriage work but he wasn't. He was too busy criticising me and putting me down, as well as a load of other stuff.

Catinwellies, I'm sorry your ex did something similar. I ashamedly have also cried down the phone at him, he was actually really supportive which made things worse!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1778451-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-23