MIL issues - advice please!

[McBeaver]

Hi there, my DS is 4 mo and I'm having a few of the usual MIL issues. The best example (although I have lots) is that I was recently round at their house with I DS on my knee and he started moaning - not major crying or screaming, just low level stuff and my MIL reached out said "Now, let's see if we can do soemthing about that crying shall we?" and took him off me - without so much as a by your leave - and then left the room with him. I am a first time Mum and was horrified.

I can tell that she thinks she has a right to have possession of him and to have some input into decisions we make regarding him. I'd like him to know and have fun with his Grandma, but now really dread seeing her - as I know she has every intention of taking him from me whether I'd like her to or not. I think she should respect my feelings and wishes - after all, we got on well pre-DS.

I'm seeing them again tomorrow, without my husband, who is away. Any advice? I know I should probably just get over this - as it seems to be standard MIL behaviour - but I can't. The thought of seeing her keeps me awake. I'm pretty sleep-deprived so that doesn't help keep things in proportion. I would really like to very politely (but firmly) make my point the next time she tries to take him - before it drives me mad. Any ideas how I can do this??

All input really appreciated.

Anna

Hi Anna,

You need to nip this in the bud now. It requires though a united front from both you and your DH as to how to deal with this. Will he stand up to her?. Even though she thinks she's only trying to help to take him off you without even asking is wrong. There is a fine line between wanting to help and interfering and she interfered.

Any chance you can put off visiting her as your DH is away?. It's a nice day tomorrow for most of the UK; tell you you're taking your son out for the day instead.

She is certainly undermining you when you are at her house and she certainly should respect you. I would talk with your husband about her behaviour asap (tell him how you felt) and take a united stand with regards to her.

God, what do you do when it's your mother. My mom has been driving me up the wall since ds was born 2.3years ago. The woman is so interfering that I land up yelling at her half the time. I just mention that ds had a bad night and she goes into "sherlock holmes" mode. Drives me potty it does!

My MIL used to do exactly the same. Used to just nab ds1 off me without as much as a word.
TBH I can't remember how it stopped, but somehow it just did as ds1 got bigger. Sorry I can't be of more help, but they (MILs) do grow out of it eventually!

i don't know whether i'd do something about this just yet. is ds her 1st grandchild? does she have a history of behaviour like this? what is your dh's take on it?

i hate all the whole family thing. I was brought up by my dad and had quite a lot of freedom from emotional politics when i was a kid. my ex was actually an orphan which suited me fine (horrible arent i). but i had to get my head round loads of things when i met dh and we had dd1 at first. my MIL is actually a real sweetie but i still had lots of 'ownership' issues with dd1 - i didn't like MIL taking her off to show off to her friends, for instance. but i've learned to be much more tolerant. MIL's (and mums from what i've read on MN) do tend to wind new mums up a lot by trying to take over a bit and doing things you wouldn't normally do (like your MIL did). BUT... he is her grandson and she will feel that he is 'hers' as well as yours - and he is her darling son's flesh and blood basically, whatever you feel! Unless she's doing something that you absolutely disagree with on principle i would learn to take a deep breath and give her a bit of leeway. Confrontations are never easy in family situations. when i was feeling hemmed in by MIL i used to duck out of seeing her for a few days/weeks and that usually did the trick.

and you're assuming your ds will react negatively to your MIL's behaviour and that's probably not actually going to happen. the better their relationship is, the nicer it will be for him (and you and dh in the long run - i've just waved my two off for the night to MIL and PIL's so we can have a night out and a lie-in HURRAH!) If your relationship with her was good before ds there;s no reason it shouldn't be again. but wait a while and if it's really getting too much and beyond the usual, i would talk with your dh and see what you can do to head it off.

Thanks for your input. Bizarrely enough, I think I agree with all of you to some extent.

This is my MIL's third grandchild - my SIL already has 2 DS. My MIL has always complained to me about my SIL and the way she brings up her kids. When my SIL had DS2 she (my SIL) would never answer the phone but always let it go to answer machine (and then would sometimes say the machine was playing up and she wasn't getting messages). This infuriated my MIL - but I think I can now see why my SIL did it: Have started employing the same tactic myself.

MY DS seems to be happy for anyone to hold him - I offer him to lots of people and he loves looking at their faces - so his grandma is no exception. However, that's not what this is about - maybe it should be, but it's not. I can't cope with my MIL riding roughshod over my feelings. She's a very determined woman. Lovely (usually), but determined to get her own way. I hate confrontation (my husband and I never never argue), but I do somehow need to head this off for my own mental health. It seriously is keeping me awake at night - and I'm only getting 5 hourws max as it is. She is out of line and I suspect that secretly she knows it. In 3 weeks time we're all off on holiday together - my DS, DH, inlaws and my Mum. If I don't tackle this now just imagine the chaos as 5 people complete for the most holding DS time! Also I'm keen not to end up with her sharing her views on my child-rearing skills with the rest of the family the way she does with her own daughter.

I talked to my DH about it before he went away and he was very sympathetic. His suggestion was that I should make sure I offer DS enough that she doesn't feel the need to act this way - but I'm already doing that so I don't think it will help.

Am thinking of following my own Mum's advice - which is to say, "Thanks, Irene, we're fine at the moment. Maybe I can pass him to you later." If she pushes the point, I may have to add jokingly "I'm sorry, but my mental health can't cope with people taking him off me at the moment."

Am keen to try to achieve my aim without causing sub-atomic meltdown. Does this sound like a good plan? Any alternative suggestions.

Thanks!

Anna

God, a holiday with your in-laws, sounds like fun (not).

Letting your phone go through to answer machine is practically obligatory when you have a small baby, in fact they should sell special phones that don't ring (I have a brilliant setting on mine called 'do not disturb' which meant I could select which callers would be allowed to get through (i.e. my mum) and which callers would go straight through to answer machine (i.e. my MIL).

With the taking him off you when he cries thing, I think I would just firmly say "thanks but it's better if I just take him out of the room for some quiet time to calm down" and then do just that. (Another possibility is: "oh dear, the last time he did this he started throwing up all over the place, you'd better hand him back" - ha ha!)

I think it is totally unacceptable to take a crying baby off the mum unless (a) she is hysterical or (b) she asks you to. Mums needs to be with babies as much as babies need to be with mums when they're upset.

Agree with the others, v important that you and dh are united on this, and that dh take the lead really in keeping her under control.

Please don't let this keep you awake at nights, definitely postpone seeing her whilst your dh is away if gives you peace of mind. Is it worth talking to your SIL about how she's learnt to cope with your MIL?

I tend to keep mine occupied with jobs, so she doesn't get any funny ideas, so suggest she take ds out for a walk in the avo to give you a break, or something similar, maybe? Or ask for her advice even when you don't really want it - i.e. with the crying, maybe say "what did you find worked best with dh at this age?" (Generally she will not be able to remember anything specific, which will keep her on the hop anyway!)

Remember, the most important people are you, ds and dh. Don't do anything that is going to increase your stress load, you have enough to worry about. (And frankly that includes this holiday, although at least you'll have your mum to run interference for you).

i dont get on with my mil. luckly for me she lives down south and wont come to visit. I have 2DS and i wonder how i will be as a mil. If either dss were upset i would let my mother take them without a thought, yes i probably would be annoyed if mil took them as she is not my mother and other then me i only fully trust my mother to do the things with my children they way i want them. But mil did bring dh husband up and dh feels the same way about his mother and our sons as i do about my mother. difficult, complcated but one day i will be that women and i hope that i do not do anything to upset my dil.

Yeah - good point. I've been mentally storing all this away hoping that I remember how it felt if/when I'm an evil MIL!

We booked the holiday pre-DS (if you hadn't guessed). We're off to the Scillies and you have to book a long way in advance. At the time, I did ask my DH if he thought we'd regret it - and I was kind of joking! I actually thought my Mum would be the nightmare one - but she's been nothing but supportive and if DS cries she says "Would you like some help or are you okay.": The perfect level of input.

MIL has suggested coming over and taking DS "off my hands" as she lives very (too) close - but now we've got to this point, I can't cope with it. I think we need to redress the balance of power first - then I might feel more like offering her input with DS is my choice, rather than that I've been forced into it.

Wish I could get out of tomorrow but not sure I can. They're just back from 2 weeks holiday. They called this morning wanting me to go over - meeting on neutral ground (tea in the local park) was my counter-proposal.

Think I may be going down with something - maybe that's whay this is so much on my mind - have a very sore throat. Will try to have early night tonight and see if that helps!

I had a very controlling and interferring mil so i can sympathise. I too am a first time mother so was very protective of ds when it came to anyone apart from dh and dm.Even with my mum at least i could say to her dont do that etc.

I think as a first time mum you are very new and very sensitive to the comments and actions of other people especially mil's.I think some times you do need to ignore the little things as it will constantly wind you up.I remember watching in horror as mil changed ds nappy for the first time and plastered him in nappy cream. When we got home and went to get him ready for bed his nappy slid off. This is a women whos had 4 kidds and knows best and always took pleasure in telling me how to raise ds. When dh confronted her she said it must be because of the nappies in her day they used the cloth nappies which just shows times have changed and so she really doesnt know everything about modern parenting.

My dh works a way alot and so i felt responsible to take ds to see them etc but dreaded it and tried to avoid her.Mil had got my back up so much that even the little things would irritate me. In the end I decided to let her have him now and then for a few hrs just so she could mother him and get it out of her system without me watching her every move and getting irritated.It gave me and dh a bit of time together. And also if she did anything we didnt approve of dh would tell her.

TBH if you get on with your mil you are very lucky and so i would try and not let this get to you. If shes been interferring and controlling with you and dh in the past then thats different as it will get out of control and cause resentment.We no longer speak to our mil {there are other issues}but alot of rows were about ds.

I must admit i do hate the whole invasion of personal space and taking the baby off you without asking. I remember playing with ds on the floor. When mil came round didnt even say hello and just made a beeline for ds. She completely pushed me out the way. But as they get older i found it easier as ds could then decide who he wanted to go to.When they get to 8mths they get very clingy to their mothers.Sometimes they will go to their nanna but just remember you are their mum and no one comes above you.

I sometimes think mils should give dils support and praise for being a good mum instead of telling them how things shoulds be done all the time. I think we would be alot more relaxed with them. Instead we feel like we are being watched and judged i felt threatened by my mil that she was trying to take over as she didnt think i was doing things right.