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Original poster

Infertility making me resentful, how do I switch off and be surportive?

18 replies

KittenCamile · 02/07/2013 11:54

Hi,

Dp and I have been ttc for 9 months and had no luck, its been stressful as I'm dying to have DC's. I had a 21 day test last month and I'm fine, progesterone level was at 34.9 so not really high but in the norm.

Dp did a sperm analysis and it came back 0. He has no sperm at all.

He has a 4.5yr old DD.

We are waiting for an appointment with the urologist but the doctor is hopeful its a blockage.

DP is pretending its not happening, keeps laughing about it but obviuosly its hurt him. I'm terrified.

The problem is since finding out I can't cope with my DSD, I don't want to talk about her and I don't want to hear about her. I just hid my DP on fb because he keeps posting about how his beautiful DD is starting school soon ect and it just makes me cry and hate myself.

I don't know how to cope, I want to be surportive and I want to be here for him but I'm so angry about it. If he didn't already have a DC it would be so different. I feel like I'm a horrible person because I'm so angry at him now for having a DC when we might never have one.

I don't know if anyone can help, I just wanted to get it out and its not something a person can actually say to someone as its such a terrible thing.

Thank you for reading

OP posts:

Billysilly · 02/07/2013 12:11

I just wanted to say, if the doctor is hopeful for success then there's a good chance for success. Worst case, you need IVF, statistics for male fertility problems tend to be good. So, the likelihood is you will have a baby together. However, you need to find a way to deal with your feelings now because his daughter isn't someone you can block from your life. You will ruin your relationship with her and your partner if you do that. I've had fertility problems myself so know how difficult it can be. It does get easier and once you have your baby you forget all of this stuff. If you want them to be part of your life long term you need to try and get through this difficult period and think of the future.

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/07/2013 12:17

It sounds like a natural response from you both - your natural reaction to your bad news, and his to the "accusation" of infertility.

This is the beginning, not the end. You have lots of options available to you. Acknowledge your feelings and rationalise them. DSD is proof that DP isn't permanently infertile - that's what he is holding on to, and so can you, if you like.

Original poster

KittenCamile · 02/07/2013 12:25

Thank you both. It good not to have it in my head anymore!

We won't qulify for IVF on the NSH because Dp has a DC and we currently don't have enough saved. Its a very scary prospect but we have been saving for a baby and will carry on till we get there.

I'm angry because DSD was an accident, no trying, just happened and DP had been so complacent just expecting the same with us. We were both so sure I was the problem. I know I'm being selfish and I know it will pass once we have a plan in place and we know what's going on but right now I'm just so gutted.

OP posts:

TheWysticManker · 02/07/2013 12:49

are you sure (is he sure) that DSD is his ?

sorry - but had to be asked?

NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 12:54

thewysticmanker

Was thinking exactly the same thing.....

But not the point I know

As PP said, if the doctors hopeful you should be hopeful. Try to not make it about your DSD. She's just a innocent child who has no idea whats going on.

Maybe your DP is gushing about her as he is a little worried about her not being his as well? It must be quite confusing feelings for him?

Billysilly · 02/07/2013 13:01

I was the one in our relationship with compromised fertility and it brings a lot of guilt. Your partner probably has a lot of confusing feelings at the moment, guilt being one and is trying to cover them up instead of dealing with them.

I'd forgotten you wouldn't qualify for nhs ivf. Fingers crossed they manage to "solve" your partner's problem and it doesn't come to ivf.

SuffolkNWhat · 02/07/2013 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KittenCamile · 02/07/2013 13:52

SuffolkNWhat I hadn't thought about that! I'm 31 so could well quilify, I will look in to it, thank you.

We are pretty sure she is his, DSD has a lot of the same traghts and neither of us think his EX would have had an affiar.

Thank you so much for the replys. Its so good to talk about it to people who aren't involved.

I know he must feel guilty and he won't talk about it. Did a second test today and he is thinking it could come back fine, you don't go from 0 to 40 million in two weeks. I don't know what to say to him. I love him so much, its all confuseing, I keep skipping a head and thinking about what could happen rather than what is happening. If that makes sense

OP posts:

ilikecooking · 02/07/2013 17:39

DH & have suffered 17 years of infertility & IVF so I like to think I know what I'm talking about. You will see my threads & posts on the infertility section.

If your partner has been told he has azoospermia, this means he is unable to biologically father a child as he literally doesn't have a single sperm in production. This means someone here isn't being truthful, whether that's a genuine mistake or not, I don't know.

Surgical Sperm Retrieval will tell you either way whether there is anything there that's a)present & b)healthy.

ICSI is an option if you find a way to afford it.

ilikecooking · 02/07/2013 17:41

Has he had an accident that would have caused a tube to block?

Has he had his hormones tested?

Original poster

KittenCamile · 02/07/2013 20:02

ilikecooking I'm sorry to hear about your long struggle.

He has just done his second sperm sample so next thing will be looking at hormones and getting a scan to see if there is a blockage.

I have done some reserch this afternoon thanks to SuffolkNWhat's post. If my eggs are ok I should qulify to donate my eggs and get ivf for free, that way
It could go so many ways!

He hasn't been diagnosed with azoospermia yet as the doctor thinks a blockage is likely as he has a DD.

I have looked into egg donation that's to SuffolkNWhat and I could do that, IVf would be free and icsi would be £1100 then which is affordable.

Its very scary and I want to get over this anger and resentment so we can move forward

OP posts:

springytata · 02/07/2013 20:15

I'm wondering if the reason you feel resentful towards him is because he is making a joke of it and carrying on as though nothing has happened. You're not going through this shock together. If he was devastated too, you'd be going through the grief together. He probably is devastated but he's choosing to ignore it. No wonder you feel resentful towards him.

Laura0806 · 02/07/2013 20:20

It is unlikely, if he fathered a child that his sperm count is 0, unless there has been a serious illness or accident since ( mumps?). I suspect its likely that either; 1) the sperm count was faulty, or 2) theres a blockage. Just to say IVF or ICSI wont work with 0 sperm anyway and for a low count it has to be ICSI. However, I really think it wont come to that given what youve said. Just to say, we were told I would need ICSI because of my husbands low count. However just as we got our appointment through, I found out I was pregnant anyway. I do understand your emotions, it is so difficulty the worries surrounding infertility but try to relax and tell yourself that there will be a way round this, take care

zigzoo · 02/07/2013 20:41

Are you sure he hasn't had a vasectomy?

Nellymay · 02/07/2013 20:57

I had infertility problems - it was his sperm count, and also have a DSD and like you i found it really hard to like her and relax in her company - i resented her. why had my DH had a child with his ex and not me etc etc. I was also a teacher so i had to be with kids all day everyday and i thought to myself i can handle this in two ways - a) get bitter and twisted and not want to be around kids or b) appreciate the many children i have in my life (SD, nieces and nephews) and in work . It was hard but i did it - i still don't have children but i now have 3 lovely grown up step children and 6 grandchildren (i'm in another relationship now) even now i resent it and can grieve for the children i never had but i've made a happy life for myself surrounded by children.
I hope you will have a child and go onto to enjoy your life and DSD - it will get easier xx

Phineyj · 02/07/2013 21:14

I spent years struggling with this (I now have a DD thanks to IVF) and what worked for me (a bit like Nelly above) was to think of my friends' kids, nieces, students etc as individuals rather than as examples of DC that I didn't have, if that makes sense. I also had to avoid some friends at times, although I can see that won't work with a DSD. I think blocking your DP's Fb is a rational thing to do as a temporary measure, however.

You might find counselling helpful if the situation continues?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/07/2013 22:09

Hi OP. As previous posters have said, it's early days.

We were TTC for six years: I had 30% motility and DW had irregular periods. We had two MCs before success with AIH.

Azoospermia sounds odd in view of DSD; probably a lab cockup.

99problems · 02/07/2013 22:32

Omg I had to post - my dp hasd the EXACT same issue - azoospermia - 0 sperm. And I totally understand how you feel, my dp was diagnosed 1.5 years ago and I have never been so shocked in my life - I mean I'd heard of low sperm count but 0?!?! It's awful because there is no way whatsoever of a natural pregnancy, at least with low sperm/pcos and most other fertility problems there's that chance, however slim.

Our situation is slightly different in that it's me who has the dc from a previous relationship. Firstly - our urologist has told us we have the higher odds of a pregnancy with IVF because it's the male with the problem - this means essentially when they've got the sperm (operation) it's doing IVF on a fertile woman so the odds are in your favour.

Btw my dp has azoospermia due to a blockage - and if this is what your dp has again that's 'easier' to work with than non-obstructive azoospermia where he just isn't producing any sperm.

Where abouts do you live? Azoospermia is so rare we had to travel to London to see a 'super specialist' (urologist's words!). I admire you for thinking of donating your eggs, sadly this isn't something I would be able to deal with, and as much as I wish I could I know I couldn't do it - the thought of being in a situation where someone else got pregnant with my eggs and I couldn't kills me. We are saving for IVF with ICSI now but luckily dp does get the surgical sperm retrieval op for free so hopefully this would be the case for you too.

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