Having to see toxic mother in a few days time. Can you help with coping strategies?

[mouseymummy]

Hi all, I've posted several times regarding my toxic, evil mother. Nothing has got better, she's still drinking, still with her alcoholic, drug taking dp and I'm still NC.

To give those of you who don't remember a bit of a catch up,
-abandoned me and my brother for a local vicar and only came home when my dad cancelled the credit cards and bank accounts as she was using my dads money (she was using her own wages and then going onto my dads wages) to pay for clothes, meals out, weekends away etc with the OM.
-continually beat me and my brothers

• accused me at age 10 of stealing 50 quid from my dads wallet, turned out she had spent it on the new OM and couldn't account for it.
• used my dd1 against me on a regular basis, tried to get dd to call her mummy
• undermined my parenting at every available oportunity.
• called me "selfish and spiteful" when I refused to travel on 3 buses to go see my gran, I was 33 weeks pg with dd2, it was august and I was ill.
• fell out with my dh at our daughters blessing because he went to go put dd2 things away, he told her he would be two minutes and she stropped off calling him every name under the sun
• fell out with my brothers wife before dh and I got married, used my wedding day to try anf goad my dsil into an argument.
• phoned me in my wedding night, screaming down the phone st me and then "disowning me"
• lastly, calling ss on me to report me because I'm neglecting my dd1 by not allowing her contact. Ss have told me that if I allow contact then they will be placing dds on a child protection as I am not looking after their emotional needs. Kind if sums up my thoughts tbh.

I have no choice but to see her as.it is my twin nephews birthday party and there will be family there that live over 200 miles away who haven't met dd2 yet and as they are elderly, they might not get another chances.

I'm really nervous and even though my brother and sil (and sil parents too) have warned her that if she approaches me or the girls she will be asked to leave, I'm worried she will attempt to get close to dd1.

Dd1 is 9, she fully gets that she can't see her gran and me, dh and other family members have explained that she isn't a nice person and that she pretends to be nice buy her actions are very nasty. Dd doesn't want to see her gran after the ss incident, but I'm concerned that she will be backed into a corner and at 9yo she's going to want to go play with the other kids and not want mummy cramping her style.

Dd2 is 9mo so she will either be in her bumbo seat, in the sling or with people I know and trust won't let her any where near my mothrr.

But what if she comes up to me? I'm usually very direct and will tell people to fuck the fuck off etc but I seem to turn into a 5yo around my mother and its just something I cannot do! No matter how hard I try. I'm just a wreck.

I'm so sorry this is so bloody long, if you are still awake, do you have any.coping stragies that I could practice and that are fool proof

I would not attend such a gathering under any circumstances. The reason given for attending is not enough and your mother is going to be there. You can also cite to the others what Social Services told you, that trumps everything else.

Your brother and SIL are also disregarding what SS have said here. They could also easily get distracted and then you (and by turn your children) get exposed to your toxic batshit crazy mother again. Again look at what Social Services told you, your DD could well end up on the child protection register because of this family occasion.

If your mother is too toxic for you to deal with then she is certainly too toxic for your children to have any sort of contact with. You have to remain no contact.

Grandparents in the UK have no legal and automatic right of access to grandchildren.

You are still in FOG - fear, obligation, guilt stage with regards to your mother so this is yet another reason not to attend this event. For your own sake as well as your childrens do not attend. Do something nice as a family instead.

Sweet heart, you should not go imo. Listen to what Meerkat says. You say you have been told not to allow your mum near dd. Follow that instruction. Tell your family members this is why you cannot attend any events where your mum is present. I actually can't think of a clearer, better reason to explain your absence.

I completely agree, don't go. If there are relatives you need to see that badly plan a separate trip.

Definitely don't go to the party. You need to gather your strength, stay calm, build your confidence and none of that will happen if you walk into what can only be a lions' den where you will only feel anxious. It's nice that other family members want to support you but you're not obliged to them any more than you are obliged to your mother. Talk to the relatives that will be going to the party and maybe organise a 'fringe' event the next day so that they can meet DD ... a lunch somewhere perhaps.

Your best coping strategy is to absolutely avoid her. Is there any way you can meet up with the older generation relatives without your mum present?

Don't go. Can you speak to the relatives that have travelled and meet up for a meal after the party? I am assuming they are staying overnight, since 400 miles would be quite a distance for anyone to travel in one day.

Explain about your DDs and what SS said about contact. They are probably very well aware that your DM is nuts, but you will have to make sure they keep any arrangements to see you from your mum.

Good luck...I'm really sorry you have been put in this position.

'....but I seem to turn into a 5yo around my mother and its just something I cannot do!'

I completely relate to this, as I'm sure do many of us on here. Attila is right - you are deep in FOG and as a result are extremely vulnerable.

Agree with others - don't go. You have to protect yourself and your children. You all must come first. Your mother sounds like a very toxic and dangerous person. Ask yourself what will you gain from going to this event other than going along with pretences and making other people happy. Please put yourself first here.

I think you've all just confirmed what I've been thinking deep down.

I've been trying to avoid that tbh, I do really want to go and celebrate with the rest of my non bat shit crazy family and have a fun day with everyone again. I miss these sorts of things. normally I'd be ok with it but because of the huge number of extended family that's going (neither me nor dh drive so its difficult to see everyone as we are out of the way)

It's not possible to arrange another day to see ny family from down south as they are coming up tomorrow and going to stay with my uncle and my uncle lives in another town which would take me all day to get to, they travel back the day after the party so there just isn't another oppertunity.

There are other family things going off over the summer holidays and my cousin is coming home (she lives in Spain) and everyone is going to a massive bbq... Looks like that will be a no go too as she will be planning to go to that too.

I feel like she's winning, I know that probably sounds really stupid but it feels like she is excluding me from being part of my own family.

I'm sorry OP. Out of interest, do your family not know of the issues between your mum and you/your dd? Do they actually know about ss involvement and opinion of your mum etc?
If not, can you tell them? I can't imagine why they would be willing to invite her, knowing that automatically means you won't be able to attend, due to her abusiveness.

Yes, they do know. My mum has been abusive to my dsil and brother themselves but as my mums current partner happens to be my dsil's older brother it becomes more difficult for them to not invite her. I.think they were hoping she wouldn't come or was working that day.

Most of my family know about my mum ringing ss on me and dh, they also know the outcome. My aunt (mums sis) is very angry and has stated in no uncertain terms that this is the final straw for her and anything else, she will NC her too.

My uncle thinks the sun shines out of her arse and doesn't believe me and refuses to come and see the report which clearly states my mum was the.one to report me (it wasn't an annoymous report)

My dsil has a huge family (shes one of 6) and I'm close to a few of them as I went to school with two of her siblings and their spouses. Plus, I dated her cousin years ago and we are still pretty close so I think my sil thought that for these.few hours there would be enough people to keep an eye on me.and my sil parents (the party is at theres) have.said that they would rather see them leave than us so they will kick em out if needs be.

Your relatives were stupid frankly to even invite her in the first place. They also know what Social Services have advised you to boot and are thus also culpable.

You should not attend any such gathering under any circumstances. It will be a DFS moment for you; disaster from the start. Also SS will not be happy if you did attend that you went along out of some frankly absurd need of yours to see some distant family members.

Do they think on some level that Social Services didn't really mean what they told you?. They do not utter such words lightly or without good cause to do so.

You musn't go to this gathering, it's not good for you and if ss find out your dd will end up on the register or much worse.

Nothing good can come out of this and the reasons given are not enough, and forgetting all the above this would be to hard on you emotionally and the consequences of going far outway anything else x

From just the OP, my gut reaction was "No, you do not have to go".

Disconnecting from your mother is the obvious answer and you have done well to set those boundaries. But she doesn't exist in a vacuum, so there will be peripheral, related circumstances that you will need to manage with the same no contact boundary. It is disappointing, but as a responsible adult , you can handel that...the cost of acting otherwise is just too great.

Bringing other people's (distant relatives) disappointment into the equation is not helpful or even appropriate in these circumstances, imho. You are protecting yourself and you are protecting your young children. What they think about it is irrelevant, although it sounds like they are aware of the dynamic with your mother and understand.

Sorry if this seems preachy, but your attendance to the twins birthday party sounds like the focus of the day would shift off of the twins and onto the drama between you and your mother. Asking or expecting other folks to cover or shield you would disrupt their enjoyment of the day, imho (searching for a perspective to help convince you to not go).

"I feel like she is winning"
This is an internal dynamic within yourself, Mousey. As you know it is not a game or contest...especially regarding your dds. She is not excluding you from family events, Mousey. You have made a necessary boundary to protect your and your dds mental, physical, and spiritual health. Have you had counselling to recover from your abusive past?

I am sorry you are going through this.

I do not think the reasons you have given are strong enough to risk putting your healing and sanity back to where you were in the past. You have successfully brought yourself to a healthy place in your life and are moving forward. Why risk your peace of mind and the potential of more horrible memories being created for you and your DDS?

Take the road of peace. Stay home.