How to break free from him?

[EcoLimaTango]

Me and my partner have been together for about 4 years, we have two DC which I adore and would do anything for them. The problem in my life is the emotional unstability of my partner.

He is a good dad when he wants to,but that happens 1 out of 10 times. He yells at them, including our 5mo and Sundays are awful as he spends the day complaining about his 'sad and meaningful life' or watching tv endlessly and ignoring the three of us.

He has booked short holidays to go on his own to have a break from us.

I know what should I do, but I grew up with happily married parents and I feel like I am the black sheep for having children so quick with him and now I kind of see his true nature.

Needless to say that his behaviour towards us is getting into my nerves and depressing me. I am thinking about going back to my country with his consent but no sure who will it affect my children's life.

Please some advice, tbh I am so confused that I don't know really what I am exactly asking for here from all of you, I guess some empathy. ..

Thank you for reading. X

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. This man is just dragging you and the children down with him into his despair pit.

You write that you know what you should do - so you should do it. Make the break. You made a mistake with him but you do not have to compound the error by continuing to remain in such a dysfunctional relationship.

Longer term, look at your own self as well and reassess your whole approach to relationships. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up and what made you choose this man for a partner in the first place?. If you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies re men, these need to be completely reined in.

This is not the role model of a relationship you want to be modelling to them is it?.

Staying with such a disordered individual if you were to choose to is no life for you or your children and they will be damaged emotionally by the experience. They certainly won't thank you either for remaining with this man.

Could you make a new life instead for you here in the UK?.

Thank you Attila, your response made me cry.

He was such a delightful person when I met him all was laughter and closeness, he did great things for me like staying with me in hospital when I was ill. But that man has disappeared, instead we live with a bipolar person and he confuses me by being cold and hot with no warning or apparent reason.

Yesterday for example I went for one hour to do some exercise and when I came back he was yelling them and saying awful things like 'these fucking kids''these bastards' then when I took charge of the situation he told me that he didn't want to be a father and he can't stand it.

And then in public he's great.

"I feel like I am the black sheep for having children so quick with him"

Please don't let pride stop you from doing what you know to be right for your children and getting yourself and them away from this abusive man as soon as you possibly can. Don't let the fear of 'I told you so' prevent you from acting. Making mistakes is human. Learning from those mistakes is what enriches our lives and makes us better people. It is not a cause for shame or embarrassment.

Is he actually diagnosed 'bipolar' and receiving treatment or, as I'd suspect from the description, is he just an abusive & aggressive bully?

Do get some advice from Womens Aid, solicitors, CAB, friends, family ... the more support you can get, emotional as well as practical, the quicker you can get away.

GET RID!

I have a five month old. I know how I'd feel if anyone shouted at her. Good god.

You say you had happily married parents, so you want the same. The clue is in the 'happily'.

He's going to damage your children - he is already.

If you want them to be as happy as you were as a child - I'll say it again - GET RID!!!

No he hasn't been diagnosed as bipolar but without being a doctor I can tell he ticks all boxes.

I had in the past an v abusive relationship with a guy and I don't want to end up like that

Leave him.

Sorry posted too soon...

I meant to add that he admits when we talk and he's calmed that he has up and down moods and that he takes me for granted, then he changes for one day at most and we are back to normal.

I have asked him to seek for advice and to see the happiness that we could have as we have it all of he wanted but he's actually unable to enjoy life in general. .

Don't look at what he says examine what he does

Actually he ticks all the boxes for an emotional abuser. Even the part where he admits these 'up and down moods' is par for the course. Saying the right things, doing the mea culpa bit, changing for a very short period... and then reverting to type. It's manipulative, dishonest and utterly typical. Not the same thing as bi-polar disorder at all... sorry.

Talkative he gets upset because they don't want to be with him. Our eldest plays five minutes with him and comes back to me asap. When he started to do this, it is when I saw the first red flag.

"I have asked him to seek for advice and to see the happiness that we could have"

People tend to do what makes them happy or feels natural & comfortable. If your partner was really unable to enjoy life then he'd do something about it. Since he's not doing anything about it, you have to conclude that he's quite content. It's a horrible thing to contemplate but - despite appearances to the contrary - he's choosing to behave this way and he's enjoying it.

He is a good dad when he wants to

No he's not. He's a terrible dad, all of the time. The 1 in ten occasions when he isn't being a cunt to the children isn't him being a good dad. It's an aberration in the pattern of being a terrible dad.

Your children will grow up unconfident, miserable, cowed, insecure, angry, damaged people if you continue to allow them to be exposed to this toxicity. Act.

You are all right, I know it. It is so hard to realise that someone is doing this to me again, to me and now my children that I would love to pack and go where he can't find us.

His dad is a right selfish person and didn't give a damn about his children and his mother is a crazy neurotic woman that has a very strange relationship with him. I guess is where he's getting it from.

I am going to look for info re how to leave. I started a thread asking for this but I can't find it.

here it is, love

You may be able to stay in your home and have him removed from it. Children should not have to live with an abusive man in the house. Talk to WA/a solicitor.

All the comments here have been in my mind all day,it is quite difficult to realise that somebody is bullying you because you get used to that behaviour. Sad.

Tonight he got angry at me and stopped talking because he said my brother owed us £200 of rent due and I said no, his rent has been always £150, he asked me to stop talking about it because I was giving him bullshit and because I didn't, I kind of pulled his trigger.

He's an abusive bully. Bin him.

So what exactly do you and your children get from this man?

Love, support, respect, a role model?

Well 1 time in 10 maybe you do...

I think you are worth more than a 10th of a relationship - don't you?

On the flip side you and your kids don't deserve the other 9 tenths of crap.

How could your situation be made worse by leaving?

What's the chance of improvement if you stay?

Odds are you are better off without based on your posts, but only you can really make that call.

Get your pride back.

Leave him. A.S.A.P. You'll get better then :)

And your dc's of course. You're dp's will be proud of you too.

"I guess is where he's getting it from"

It's an easy target to blame upbringing and too often that turns into an excuse... 'he can't help himself, it's the way he was raised'. An intelligent adult man has had plenty of time and opportunity to work out his own set of values, decide how he wants to behave & (importantly) reject any bad examples set by whack-job parents. If he's a bully it's because he chooses to be a bully, enjoys being a bully and has decided that bullying you gets him what he wants...