Help, how to deal with this 'friend'?

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I met my friend through our DD's, who are in reception year and are best friends. On the surface, and initially, my friend seemed really nice, however she is very dominant and it's almost as if she wants to take over my life.

What always happens is whenever she is there she dominates any conversations I am having. She seems to seek me out, butts in and then as she's so loud and so engaging, the person I was talking to starts talking to her and I get foisted out. She is also very clever at how she positions herself; it's always with her back to me so that I am frozen out slightly. She does this with everyone I speak to, whether she knows them or not. She even does it if I am talking to DD's teacher after school.

I am quieter than her - she is very gobby - and I'm not one for confrontation but its really getting on my nerves. We have just had sports day this morning and she did it with single person I spoke to. She starts firing questions at them and finds something she has in common with them and she's off!

You could try the MN classic: "did you mean to be so rude?

LTB

I can't stand people like that. Give her a body swerve.

Will watch this thread with interest, as I'm currently experiencing a very similar situation.

I'm trying to distance myself and back off the whole "friendship" thing but it is tricky. I find that my "friend" actually answers questions that other people ask me on my behalf, as though I were a mute!

I am amazed at the number of threads on here (and numerous other places I frequent!) about "friends" like these. We have enough going on in our lives without dealing with people like this. Do you think this is how a proper friend should behave? Ditch the bitch and go and find a real friend.

Why precisely is it tricky, PostBellum ?

I heard the term "Toxic Wendy" on MN last week. This person sounds like one.

I don't think she is your friend - avoid.

I never know what to do when she interrupts. It infuriates me

Precisely - I'm not sure!

Generally, because our DCs are friends and because the Mum is constantly offering play dates. The Mum is also a gossip and trades on bits of information garnered about other people. However, I can now see that this is very cleaverly done, so it looks like concern.

When I thought she was genuinely interested in being my friend, I shared some personal information and am worried that if I back off too much that this may come back to bite my arse! Something along the lines of keep your friends close & enemies closer?

I feel a fool really for having fallen for it / her given I am old enough to know better!

Ah - that's a bit difficult. You feel trapped into this relationship? That is so unhealthy for you - and in the long term, it might also be for your DC by the way. (Not only seeing Mummy in a dependent state as a normal thing but also, who knows what this woman is also 'sharing' about you around her own house in front, possibly of her own child. (If she gossips to you she'll likely also be gossiping about you.)

Much depends on how damaging the information you shared might be. (I don't want to know what it is of course.) Any chance you could start to make yourself really boring and ditsy - for a while - so that she finds you tedious?

PS - always try to absent yourself quickly from any gossiping sessions with some excuse, lamebrained or otherwise. Definitely don't get involved in that any more.

Oh - Im sorry you having this to deal with.

I had a slightly different situation with two other women. I basically got myself out as I didn't agree with certain things.

I feel uncomfortable about it all - as see them nearly everyday, mostly because i thought they were something they are not and felt hurt and let down by the way the friendship went. I still bothers me.

I got myself out in a way that made it obvious I just didn't want to speak to them any longer. However I sometimes wish I had just cooled it right down to just occasional small talk.

word of warning you will have to see this person/people everyday over the next few years so be careful what you do. Unless they've pissed you off tremendously and you really need to say something to them.

The best advice I had on here was - I have my friends and don't feel the need to be friends with people who conceived the same year as me. Get in and get out. I do have other friends, plenty and happy with social life etc. I will not be making the same mistake when my other DC start school.

Sorry there is nothing direct but just to go careful, be aloof, unavailable think of some "I've got to get going..." you won't be the only one who has noticed what this person is like.

That's the tack I'm going to take I think, Feelingood. I need to be really careful about how I do it as I think she is probably the type to divide and conquer if she falls out with someone. I think the key is I need to get busier so that I am genuinely too busy to see her!

Either leave, with a cheery wave to the person you were talking to, or tap her gently on the shoulder and say, 'Actually Toxic Wendy, I need to finish this' and carry on with what you were saying (and then leave). I think the key with this kind of behaviour is never to stand there and passively be TW's audience while she freezes you out.

As she approaches, could you try saying to the person you were talking to to, 'Oh, here we go, watch how she tries to take over!' then wink and grin when she does. maybe even add as an aside, 'See what I mean?'

Risky - but at least you're pointing out her behaviour to others - and a wee in-joke she's excluded from might just knock her off-track enough to realise you're a force to be reckoned with.

I love Toxic Wendy threads

I'd really struggle with something like this. Could you say something like "oh hi [toxic wendy], I'll be with you in a sec" when she approaches, so she would look REALLY rude in front of the other person if she then interrupted? (not sure that would work though as she does sound uber brazen)

Or say to the person you were talking to, 'I'll catch up with you another time, OK?' and head off purposefully as if on a pressing errand/ just seen someone else you need to talk to. Perhaps preceded by the 'just watch - Wendys coming & will take over!'As PPs have said - do not stand there mute as Wendy's audience. And if Wendy ever chsllenges you 'why do you always walk away when I join you' have an answer ready! Eg (airily) 'oh, you always seem to have something pressing to say to the person I was talking to so there's no point hanging around is there...' and exeunt stage left.

Oh Im sorry, I dont have any other advice to add but I agree with everything feelingood says and like her, I have got myself into a very tricky situation where I see a women every day that I had to extracate myself from because if the way she treated me. Im useless with conflict and haven't handled it well at all and wish Id backed off in a more gentle way. MAybe just bear in mind that what ever you do, you still have to see her everyday.

Feelingood, how do you handle seeing these women everyday?

Hi

Some more good advice, re comments to others Id be careful not to come across as being bitchy (maybe me being paranoid) but if done in right way, it circumvents her.

laura Well I just dash in and out. I talk to my DS or stare straight ahead when I pass them (no choice sometimes re school layout) I stand farther away. I do feel most uncomfortable - I wished I said what I thought in a way, but pleased I didn't as I may have come across wrongly. Nothing actually happened there was no exchange if you like I just sussed one was quite passive aggressive and all front basically. The other one was very nice, but always 'her friend'. The others aren't there as much but I still speak to them both and occasionally meet up.

I speak to lots of people, I just don't stand in the little witch huddle (well IMO).

Sorry thats not much help - I wished Id just done it very subtly. In fact i wished id realised what they were like and not allowed myself to be hurt and undermined by it all.

I have tried 'putting them in there place' you know mentally, like dismissing certain aspects but they there, nearly every day thinking they bloody great. I dislike myself for wasting time on thinking about them and i suppose bitching (to myself) its not healthy.

Agree with those who say if you see them regularly and your daughters are best friends, its best to politely withdraw. Big smile and occasional tiny small talk and leave it at that. If she is as over-bearing as she sounds, then other people probably realise that too so you can move on to do something else if she joins your group, etc.

I think it can be difficult when you have children and meet a whole bunch of new potential women friends, that because of your children's age or gender, you are sort of thrown together with. (The need for adult company can also be an issue, and you make friends with people you wouldn't normally.)

You can move on with dignity I'm sure, and maybe learnt something too. I always attracted over-bearing people too, eww! But no more methinks .