Suspect DW has lost interest in our relationship. Can I turn this around?

[bookerman]

I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that my wife has lost interest in our relationship. She avoids all physical contact with me, rejects cuddles and if she does accept, its very reluctant:stands stalk still with arms by her side. Sex has also been off the cards for almost 4 years.

I'm 36, she's 41. We have 2 kids (5 and 3) and we've been married for 5 years. I often work long hours, so often she's asleep or tired when I get home. Weekends are always spent together (all four of us). I usually get home to help with the bed time routine at least 2 or 3 nights a week.

Background details: we're both in good shape, not alcoholics or drug users. She works part time, I work full time. I'm not violent, I've not been having an affair and haven't knowingly done anything to change her view of me.

I have attempted to talk to her about it, but she brushes it aside. Says I'm being silly and that we just need to make time: when the time is made the plan always changes.

Housework is important, though. Men who don't do their share often find their wives becoming less affectionate, because it's very hard to feel affection for someone who has designated you as a domestic servant.

DO either you or your wife have any hobbies, OP? What do you do with your leisure time and do you both get the same amount?

SGB - but as I said earlier, I have known men who were already doing more than their fare share of housework, working full time, mum being stay at home mum, finding their wives no longer being affectionate since arrival of child, and the advice they were given was always "you need to do more housework, pamper her more, stay home with the kids so she can go out more". So they did all that. But the wives STILL didn't give their husbands any more affection. Presumably because they'd got their child/children and had no real need for their husband any more besides his money.

Obviously this isn't so in every case there's ever been, but I've seen it all too often and I think it's very sad.

JBF: Well, yes, that can happen too. But it's also very common for men to do little or no childcare or housework and still expect frequent sex. It's unfortunately very common if a woman becomes SAHM for the man to start considering himself the important person in the household and the one whose needs must be met first.

The OP says he works long hours, that he only gets home 2/3 nights a week in time to help with DC's bedtime. And then says that he's not violent, as though that makes him extra-special and deserving of sex. He doesn't sound all that appealing.

SGB are you serious? Maybe read the OP again.

It's so hard with small children, especially when you work too. All that monotony and worrying over everything and fretting over tiny details and running round doing mindnumbing domestic stuff and pick ups and drop off times and night-time wakings up.

I don't think my sex drive is what it once was. I have two small children, my husband also works long hours and we are just so bone-achingly tired, someone wanting sex just feels like one other demand on your body and mind that you could do without so you just kind of blank it out. I know my sex drive is still there, when when we do manage it, I really enjoy it and I take care of myself and still feel sexy, I still want sex, it's just that by the time it gets round to the end of the day and I see my husband, my brain is full of uniforms and what time I have to be at childcare and whether work will mind me taking an hour off for a school meeting and ringing the dentist and what laundry needs to be put on and a million other deeply unsexy things which make me feel quite boring and depressed actually and not really in the mood.

It really might not be personal. She might just be stuck in the rut of domestic/motherly drudgery like me and not really feeling like her old self.

Helping with the bedtime routine 2 or 3 times a week is pretty little imo. I feel depressed just thinking about all the other stuff your DW must do!!! Thank god it's all behind me now but I definitely did not feel amorous at that stage in my marriage, just knackered.

Mine are 1 and 3, I was hoping things might have improved by the time they were 3 and 5 op. cry

OP, I got a bar of chocolate on friday evening because DH said I have worked my socks off, no days off, no lie in, no time for myself. Because I like chocolate and because he though I might like a sign of appreciation. I didn't expect it, he's never done this before.
Also, my feet were freezing just now and he just put a pair of slippers on my feet, save me from getting off the sofa(I am capable of doing it myself, BTW).
It's the littlest things.
For the rest, we have a fairy that dies them all:)

*does, sorry

I think the OP was pre-empting any comments by saying he wasn't violent, rather than wearing it as a badge of honour.

Justin- I think he means 2/3 times out of 5 so working week. I don't think that is so bad. They spend all weekend together so I'm assuming they share it together.

I think we need more info though OP- are you able to come back and answer the questions.

Yes, tangled, but jeesh that is sooo little and weekends can be family time but often means DW has done all the housework, cleaning, shopping to allow 'weekends' to happen.

It doesn't matter how busy he is at work if the DW has growing resentment at her exhausting schedule. This is my view, going to work is a doddle compared to being mum of small DCs, others might disagree.

Justin - "going to work is a doddle compared to being a mum of small DCs, others might disagree"

Yep, I disagree. Because it depends hugely on:
a) the child/children and how good/bad they are
b) the job you are comparing.

I suspect there are many jobs which are not a doddle in comparison. Doctors and nurses working 16-hour days for two.

It must be true about all the work and obligations that a mother who has children has. Agreed, lots and lots of time-consuming and tiring, and sometimes boring and difficult, even irritating tasks and duties to do day after day, and maybe with not enough help or support from her husband, either through thoughtlessness or selfishness maybe. So no argument about that. But sometimes it has to be spelt out clearly and deliberately to us what exactly is causing resentment and discontent. And told what we could do to make things better and for her to be happier.

I know I wasn't really told till it was all far too late. Her mind was already made up by the time I knew and nothing I could do was going to make any difference and yet I'd have done anything to please her. Honestly. anything. What was so horrible was that by the time I realised things I was powerless to change her mind or for her to just give me another chance. I could hardly believe I had lost her love for me forever. It was so final. The realisation was too painful for words. I would have done anything to get it back. But it was too late. It's the most awful thing in the world to have been loved and then lose that woman's love.

Iin the case of the OP for her not to seem to want hugged or cuddled affectionately by her man even at 'safe' times, i.e. when there isn't the slightest possibility of it leading to sex, presumably?
And for her never to want to have sex with him in nearly 4 years? Surely those two things speak for themselves? I just can't see how she can possibly love him any more. It's as if she's cut herself off from him. I hope my saying that doesn't make him feel too sad. There's always a chance I might be wrong. My opinion's severely limited by my personal experiences.

A men asking women relationship advice is like a woman asking fashion advice from men.
Either party doesn't know the work that goes on behind the scenes.

Your wife is gone, it's time you give her own medicine and 'man-up'
Leave!!!
You deserve better, chances she fell out of love with you. Most likely she got with you cos her biological clock was ticking but her heart was somewhere else.

Well, I was a nhs worker but still think it was 'easier' than being a mum of small DCs as the work had obvious reward (dealing with ill people after all), was recognised and often admired by others, was paid, had social benefits, and sometimes good laughs with colleagues. So imo the housework etc was harder.

But it is a relatively short phase of life, a few years.

Ah, but then you're not comparing like for like. Because one is a paid job. The other is just hard work!

I would tend to bring this to a head.

This is not a marriage.

I'd be inclined to tell her as she's obviously not happy, you have decided you should split up.

I agree with them ^^

Find happiness somewhere else. It's horrible when this happens, but you deserve to be happy.