Almost a month on from split and struggling.

[IDeserveBetter]

If you read my last few threads you will know that my partner and father of my 10 month old left almost a month ago.

I'm so lonely, tired and part of me just wants him back. Every day I wake up and think 'today is another day of being alone' and then I think the same thing when I go to bed at night about the next day. There's this dread and panic when I think it will always be like this.

Every time I eat I feel sick. I go days and days without talking to anyone. I hate the fact that ex can do whatever he likes and he's out having fun after everything hes done and I'm the one alone. I don't understand how I want someone I hate so much back in my life.

I don't know what to do. I cant go out and meet people because I just don't feel right in my head right now, I come away from any social contact and go over and over it in my head and just know I came off rude or stupid. I don't know who I am anymore.

I hate the thought of being lonely but I also hate the thought of being around anyone ever again.

Please try and convince me not to call up my ex and tell him how I'm feeling. Please tell me things get better.

I'm not a doctor, but you sound as though you might be a bit depressed. Do you think you could be? A starting point in your new life mght be to see your GP and go on a low dose of SSRI's. You might well be able to cope better with other things then.

Would that be an option?

Things will get better - a month is no time at all. It took me at least a year post-divorce to feel anyway near my old self again. All you can do is take one day at a time & I promise there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I second the poster who recommended a trip to your GP and maybe antidepressants. It's something I really didn't want to do and delayed doing it but am glad I eventually made the step to make an appointment with my Doc.

I cant take anti-depressants as I have borderline personality disorder and they make me manic. I've never had any luck with medication. I guess I just have to ride it out but I'm worried I will feel worse with time. I didn't feel like this at all when he first left.

I feel for you OP. I'm two months down the line after my STBEx dropped the 'I don't love you anymore' on me - after 19 sodding years and three kids together - and it hurts, it really does.

What I'm finding now is I'm having less wobbly days and more positive ones. That's not to say everything's great because it isn't but I'm thinking 'I'm going to be ok'. I actually said that out loud while looking in the mirror on Saturday - and meant it, and grinned at myself!

I'm throwing myself into building a whole new life for me and my three dc - we're moving down by the sea over the summer and I'm going back to work. Yes, I'm going to be 40 in November, but I'm seeing this as a fresh start for me.

You need to find something to take your mind of your Ex and keep telling yourself it's his loss because it really, really is.

I'm three weeks in to my second (and final) go at splitting up. I wouldn't be strong enough to do this without counselling.

I'm pretty sure it is normal to be feeling freaked out in the circumstances. Sure you have thought of this, but you really need to reach out and get any support you can. You could start with your gp/health visitor, they are good for a chat if nothing else.

Also, you don't know you appear rude or stupid, that is just what you think, and we all think things which are untrue. I often come away from social events filled with self-hatred. Shrugging it off is tricky, but seems to be the way to go. Most people are self-absorbed enough not to notice if you are socially a bit off. Keep getting out if you can.

It doesn't have to get steadily worse, it can get steadily better. I try to think something along the lines of 'today I can please myself' or whatever, rather than dwell on being alone. It does help a bit, honest!

One month means the whole thing has only just had chance to sink in but is still incredibly raw so don't be too hard on yourself. The grieving process IME goes in cycles... good days and bad days.... so make the most of your good days and look after yourself on the bad ones. However, do see your GP if you're worried. Medication is not necessarily the solution but, if you have pre-existing MH issues, doing nothing except not eat and isolate yourself could be problematic.

You're not alone. You don't have a partner at the moment but you and your baby are a family and that is a precious and wonderful thing. There are people who genuinely care about you. Real friends will stand by you through tough times & will make allowances for any erratic behaviour. Some will not want to talk about it... you can't always tell who is in that camp until the chips are down. But if you want to pick up the phone and tell someone how you're feeling, tell a friend rather than the ex. It's very painful but he is now 'the past' and part of the healing process will be to leave him firmly in the past as you create a better future.

If you have time, print out this thread and put it away somewhere. In a month/six months/a years time take it out and read it. I guarantee you'll feel better at every stage than you do now. Good luck