Banging my head against a brick wall...

[NervousNervous]

Sorry to air ALL my dirty laundry in public after years of absence on here but I am in dire need off advice...

I am 30, my partner is 30, we have been together for 9 years.

I feel like he has ZERO respect for me, he talks to me like rubbish, snaps, grunts, rolls his eyes. Whenever I bring it up he just responds with that's how I speak to him.

I want to be in the relationship, for me, not the ease, children etc.

I am really frustrated so much because there just feels like there isn't anything I can say that he will listen to. I tell him I am fed up and he says he feels the same, but then the next day we go back to being absolutely fine with each other, and it feels like it's just going round in circles. We are not affectionate with each other, I try with him but he doesn't respond to me at all.

After our child was born, I didn't feel great about myself and was quite unloving but he completely understood this but it seems to have had a lasting affect and we didn't have sex for such a long time and it actually ruined my relationship because now we both feel so awkward, and it feels like such a big mountain to overcome that I honestly can't ever imagine us having sex again!

We both want the relationship, we both love each other but we are stuck in this rut or talking to each other like sh*t and not having any love or affection to bring us close together.

I don't want the relationship to end, and it isn't really going to but I need some help, how do I change this rut we're in? I am so deep in this myself I can't see the wood for the trees!

I think you have to honestly work out which situation is being played out here because that determines which route you take out of it.

You're probably thinking 'counselling' and that would be a fair enough idea if you both love/like each other, think this is a temporary blip, a bad habit, and you both want the relationship to improve. However, to get from where you are now to an affectionate relationship where you show each other respect requires commitment from everyone and for both of you to be prepared to listen, communicate & generally change attitude.

From the small amount you've written what would worry me is that this person who doesn't listen, doesn't respond, shows no affection and treats you with contempt most of the time isn't actually interested in changing and doesn't think there is a problem. 'That's how I speak to him'... for example, doesn't sound promising. Also, I would be worried that - possibly because you still feel guilty about how you felt post-baby - the only reason you 'go back to being absolutely fine with each other' after the snappy, grunting rubbish is because you cave in order to keep him sweet, rather than anything he brings to the party.

So work out which it is and you could save yourself a lot of time.