Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the relationship I want exist ?

29 replies

Mosman · 01/07/2013 15:18

I have four children, generally well behaved good kids.
Will anyone who's a nice guy, my equal intellectually (I'm hardly a brain surgeon so that bit shouldn't be tricky), attentive and caring want us, to be a family with us ?
I just can't see it happening, am I realistic in hoping somebody might step into that scenario.
All I ever wanted was a happy family, a nice relationship and a good father for my children, is that now an impossible dream ?

OP posts:
bigstrongmama · 01/07/2013 16:05

Who knows? I'm musing something similar today, but 3 kids, not 4! I don't really want anyone to step into the dad role ( they have a dad), but one day would like a proper partner I think. Can't imagine anyone under 40 wanting to step straight into my busy little family, and don't much fancy older men, so I'm trying to steel myself for being single for the next few years. Thought I might do dating just for some fun, meanwhile : )
You can have a happy family just you and the kids. Thinking about what might have been sucks.

ImNotBloody14 · 01/07/2013 16:12

Hi mosman, i know from previous threads that you havr recently separated- do your dcs need another father figure? Is their father not still present?

I think what you want is possible but not easy. I also think that given time ti settle into your new life, you might realise that it isnt actually what you want. Our ideals change and thats good as it means we're getting closer to finding out what it is we really want. The two parent family unit isnt the only way to be happy and isnt always the way you will be happiest if that makes sense.

My advice would be to relax, dont rule anything out but equally dont jump at the first person who says he wants the same as you. Take each new relationship on its own merits and see where that takes you. And enjoy it. Smile

IHateWinter · 01/07/2013 17:23

It is an absolutely possible reality not a dream. And actually I would say you have a better chance of finding a decent man than someone without children.

I know personally of three people one with 2 DCs, another with 6 (yes) and recently another friend of mine who has no less than 5 who have met the loves of their lives. The one with 6 DCs got married in February. The guy has no children of his own, runs his own business and can't do enough for her. My friend with 5 whose youngest is only 6 was adamant that she was through with men, but has met the love of her life. He was an acquaintance who had secretly been in love with her for years; he takes care of her and the children, buys them clothes, babysits, treats them like his own and tells her he can't live without her.

What all of my friends had in common was that they didn't try to actively seek men to make them happy. They put their children first, had standards and got on with life. I've talked to my dad about this, and he says that that men don't care about how many children a woman's got if they love them. It's about how they feel when they are with them.

None of my friends met their partners through clubbing etc. I personally don't think that these are the best places to find men with a mature outlook on life and responsibility. But who knows? The friend with 6 got into gardening and met her guy through that. The one with 2 DCs met her guy at the gym.

All you need is a positive attitude. You have an advantage over younger women in experience and knowing how to sustain a long-term relationship. You must look after yourself and your health and banish any negative traits like moaning over your situation etc. Smile and be open, and trusting. Men sense when a woman is still nursing hurt feelings from a previous relationship and run a mile.

If you meet any potential partners you should introduce him to your children straight away (as a friend) in a neutral public place, restaurant etc so he can see if he likes your children before getting involved and wasting your time.

Good luck!

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/07/2013 21:42

Introduce potential partners to your children straight away so he can see if he likes them? Are you serious?

Why on earth would you introduce someone to your children when they're only a 'potential' partner? I have three dc and there is no way I would ever do this.

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/07/2013 21:46

My uncle married a woman with four children. They had another one and were happy until he died. It's possible, although I think it's early days for you to be thinking about it.

bigstrongmama · 01/07/2013 21:49

I totally disagree with introducing new partners to children straightaway, even as friends in a neutral place.

The reality is that there are dodgy men out there and it can take a while to work people out. You've got to put your children first and take things slowly.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/07/2013 21:53

Also, I couldn't give a flying one as to whether a potential new partner likes my children - he could love them to the moon and back, but if they don't like him, there's the deal-breaker. My dc are my priority.

bigstrongmama · 01/07/2013 22:29

I so agree Heartbrokenmum73.

Theselittlelightsofmine · 01/07/2013 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosman · 02/07/2013 00:03

Have I misread a post I don't plan to introduce anyone to the children until its a potential marriage never mind partner. That wasn't the question at all.

OP posts:
80sMum · 02/07/2013 00:10

Mosman, those posts are referring to Ihatewinter's comments.

DonutForMyself · 02/07/2013 00:43

I wondered if anyone would want a divorced mum of three with a wobbly mum tum and no proper job. XH made it clear that he didn't think I was much of a catch and that nobody else would think so either.

Met a gorgeous man last year online dating, he's clever and funny, we're on the same wavelength about almost everything and he is happily part of my family for the 50% of the week he is without his DCs.

The only real stumbling block is that he has 2 of his own, so we have the odd parenting clash and we're quite a crowd when we all go out, but I never could have dreamed that someone so handsome and lovely, thoughtful and romantic would love me.

But guess what, he really does! He is as in love with me as I am with him, which I still can't quite fathom, but apparently I'm pretty awesome as girlfriends go!

And so I'm sure are you, you just need to find the right man. Good luck x

dollyindub · 02/07/2013 00:58

Ah Donut, what a lovely post!
Gives me hope... Smile

DonutForMyself · 02/07/2013 01:00

In fairness, it is important for the DCs to be on board with a relationship, so there's not much point in getting too invested in someone yourself before they meet.

DP said that it could have been a deal breaker if our DCs didn't get on. He met mine within a few weeks and I met his shortly afterwards and by that point we were already in pretty deeply, but it would have been easier to take a step back. If you wait until you're properly in love and talking about the future, only to find your DCs don't get on with the other adult or the other DCs you have more to lose.

My DCs love my DP and (despite some rivalry and 'sibling' bickering) they all get on really well with each other most of the time.

DonutForMyself · 02/07/2013 01:02

Ah thanks Dolly. And I found him in the most unlikely of places too Wink

dollyindub · 02/07/2013 01:08

Shock Grin

Original poster
Mosman · 02/07/2013 12:09

I've joined this afternoon Grin

OP posts:
IHateWinter · 02/07/2013 13:27

I know that introducing your kids straight away sounds counter intuitive. But I read it in a relationship book.

The idea is that because we want to protect our kids and we don't want them to see a sea of men coming in and out, we meet a nice guy and then wait until 6 months down the road, then introduce him to the kids. Problem is guy may then decide, he can't handle the children or that he doesn't like the mumsy responsible side, or how you discipline them etc. Relationships done and you've wasted your time.

Instead you meet a nice guy go out on a few dates and then arrange to go to the park or some other busy place - you don't tell the children he's a potential boyfriend you introduce him as your co-worker, friend etc. You don't let him get overly friendly or familiar with your kids. Then he can decide if he really wants in.

As regards stopping potential child abusers, as a victim of sexual abuse myself, I would say you'll never tell if a man is an abuser. You could meet a guy and wait a year to introduce him to your children, and he could abuse them. Child abuse is something you just have to be aware of all the time.

DonutForMyself · 02/07/2013 14:10

Good point IHate and it is often someone already related to the child.

I had a male friend while I was still married, we spend a fair bit of time with our DCs at the park and on play dates. My DCs didn't take any more notice of him than they would of a female friend, but they enjoyed playing with his DCs. Things went a bit pear shaped after I separated from XH and had a 'moment' with this bloke, so I stopped seeing him as a friend.

The DCs are none the wiser about what happened, that I'd been more than friendly with him and they have plenty of other friends. People gravitate towards different sets of friends all the time and kids adapt.

Nothing is guaranteed and even now, after months of being together, introducing our DCs early on because we were both serious about each other, if DP and I split up, my kids would miss him & his DDs, but we'd all get over it and move on.

If we'd waited until now to introduce them, when I think we're pretty solid and looking to a future together, who's to say that one of us won't change our mind 2 or 3 years down the line? Meeting someone a few times, spending a few hours at the park with some new friends and then not seeing them again is not the end of the world for well-adjusted kids!

DonutForMyself · 02/07/2013 14:13

Well done Mosman - let us know how you get on! Its all about filtering, weed out anyone for any reason, you don't owe them anything and you can be ruthless - its like man shopping, take a list and stick to it! Enjoy.

Original poster
Mosman · 04/07/2013 13:25

Just has somebody offer to webcam for me with a hairbrush up their arse (might be my ex incognito)

OP posts:
bigstrongmama · 04/07/2013 14:09

Lovely :/
Hope it is the spiky end

Original poster
Mosman · 04/07/2013 14:12

I didn't ask in case he told me .... There's some nutters around aren't there ?

OP posts:
bigstrongmama · 04/07/2013 14:24

There are. Online dating is not enhancing my view of the world. OD seems to be 50% nutters and they LOVE me. I changed my profile to read 'strictly no weirdos'. Hasn't put them off! Never had an offer like that though :)

Heartbrokenmum73 · 04/07/2013 14:28

I was chatting to someone who told me that he once went home with a woman he met online. She seemed nice, normal, they got on, went back to hers - she had a CAGE that she liked to put men in!!! I laughed...