Have I been a complete berk?

[Pippinlongsocks]

am escaping from my long EA marriage. It has been going on since the beginning of this year. The rollercoaster ride is not over yet. Soon though me and my DS will be in our new home (have had to sell the family home to fund two new properties ? never easy). I might have done something a little silly a few weeks ago and encouraged a flirtatious little episode with somebody who had been helping me with the whole moving on process. After a lot of lovely, funny texts and chatty telephone calls we had lunch and even a snog (wow fabulous) and since then there have been text and phone contact but more about the process that I am currently dealing with rather than making arrangements to see each other again. We have agreed we want to do this but my head is a bit all over the place and trying to see somebody is not the greatest idea at the moment when my ex-H and I are still living in the family home and he watches me like a hawk. I can?t help feeling that the admirer?s attentions have waned a little bit and I?m wondering whether he has backed off due to my (at present) complicated life or perhaps my over-enthusiastic approach to having a snog with him ? could he have judged me for that? I tried to be cautious but it felt so nice to be given some positive, complimentary attention for a change that I think I fell in love with that bit as it was so exciting. Have I done something really stupid? The whole situation has made me realise that I do want to be with somebody very much as I have felt so incredibly lonely in my marriage since my DS was born. Apparently parenthood/being a family didn?t pan out quite how my ex-H was expecting and ?home is not a haven to him? (he prefers the pub/football/gambling/doing everything that is what he wants to do). I know that I need to get into my own place and give myself some time but I also feel that I haven?t been living properly for years and years and I?ve wasted so much time. Sorry, just need to vent I think.

You sound like you've been under quite a lot of mental and emotional stresses and are at an impasse in your life. At the moment you are not strictly, speaking, single in the sense of being free to pursue a new relationship, and you are still living in a house with someone who is making you unhappy.

I think you are feeling love starved, and the other guy probably sees this and that things in your life are complicated and has backed off, either to give you space, or because he just doesn't want any complications. Its not likely about the kiss. You've done nothing silly.

I know you need affection and understanding from another man, but I think you need to follow your instincts and give yourself time to sort everything out. As tempting as it is, throwing yourself headfirst into a new full on relationship would not be wise at a stage when you are needy. Relationships require lots of giving in order to thrive, but right now you really aren't in a position to this with all of your focus, as there are so many things to sort out. I also think you will need to give your DS more time to adjust when you move away from the marital home and it would be unfair to him to see you with someone new so quickly.

Are you completely over your ex? I sense that you are still not sure if moving on is the right thing to do, or is this just me getting the wrong end of the stick?

You've not been stupid. Everyone needs affection and it's good to flex your Flirt Muscles and try out your Snog Reflex, just to check there's no lasting damage. :) But this is also your golden opportunity to live life on your terms and listen to your own feelings rather than (as you may have learned from your EA experience) feeling guilty or selfish and building your self-esteem round A.N Other.

If you're not comfortable with the idea of a man in your life at the moment then it's 'adios' and don't give it a second thought. Similarly if he's backed off try not to go the route of 'what have I done wrong' (EA attitude....) but 'screw him... his loss!!!'

Good luck

Thank you both so much for your replies. I feel so much better for reading them. You have put things into perspective completely. I know it's not the right time to be embarking on something new but it was just so nice to feel something again after years of blocking so much out. I am completely sure about my decision. I have no feelings any more for my ex H. To stay after all of this would mean I would be on the back foot for the rest of my days. It was what he was hoping for. He is kind of incredulous that I have gone ahead with it but I have never been surer in all our time together (30years) that there is a different life out there for me. I think the other guy brought me back to life a bit and it did feel nice and then conditioning made me feel guilty about it!! If it is meant to be then something will happen and now I am just going to stop obsessing about it and get on with my packing!!! Thank you both. Xxx

Practically the first thing I did after exiting an EA relationship many years ago was to hook up with the first likely bloke that came along... just so I could dump him. (I know, I know, I'm going straight to hell.... yadda yadda) The Flirt Muscle and Snog Reflex worked well enough but I felt it was very important to reacquaint myself with 'The Kick Him To The Kerb Algorithm'. Enjoy your packing..

I love the flirt muscle and snog reflex and kerb kick anaology Cargo. You speak such wisdom!!!