I want a break from my mum but how do I do this pain free?

[Bedtime1]

My mum is as others say on here toxic, hardwork etc. I am fed up of being drawn back into her destructive ways. I really think she has a personality disorder possibly narcisstic. Cycle of stress and emotional stress has been going on years. I see her maybe once a week for a drink and she rings or text or both almost everyday. It starts off okay when we meet for a drink for a week then it goes back to her digging etc and really I end up having an argument or if not she has a good way of making me feel crap ! She seems to drain my energy and positivity. (not that I have a lot) . Then I withdraw from her so she starts sending me lots of texts, flowers , notes etc to draw me back in then I end up meeting again and it starts again. This cycle is just very very stressful. I'm sick of thinking about her, it's always a drama. It's never stable everything is always a crisis constantly. It never changes.
also other family members sometimes join in and it gets too much and effects my life with my family.

The thing is I feel emotionally drained and want a long break from her as this upset every other week causes me to constantly feel on edge and miserable. She is unstable. I have done everything I can to help over the years and sad if she has actually a disorder but her behaviour is making me stressed and poorly and upsetting my family. Its been years and since childhood too. I feel I want to walk away for my own self preservation and my own health. There's the guilt but I've had enough.

The thing is how do I go about it as if I tell her I want a break for a while she will flip and goes berserk. She will do things like text, ring, hassle other family members, bully my younger sister into ringing me, have a go at sister Etc etc.

Unfortunately there is no painless way to detach from a narcissist. The best you can hope for is bitter silence.

I just point blank avoid my dad, make excuses about being too "busy" or "forget" to answer my phone/ respond to texts etc and then politely ignore his digs about me being an uncaring, terrible daughter. I'd rather that than have him drain me. If I give him an inch, he'll be back to constant texts every hour, ringing all the time, and the cycle begins again.

Remember - these people are emotional vampires. They are pathologically stunted and are unable to understand that anyone else has needs other than themselves. And they are excellent into guilting people into ensuring their needs are met. You have the absolute right to prioritise your family and your needs, especially if you are having health issues. You have my sympathies though, it can be very difficult dealing with them.

Oh my god, she sounds horrendous and so much hard work...

Have you ever had counselling about this? I think if not before then anyway now to help you deal with this, and how to extricate from her.

You sound like a loving daughter, don't let her ruin more of your life. You owe it to yourself and your own family.

sodapop - energy vampire is the word that came into my mind too.

Thanks for messages.

Do you meet up with your dad soda? Or do you just keep putting him off with excuses. Do you think this is the way forward for me.? That's how I feel about my mum as soon as I give her an inch or a green light she's there trying to suck me back in. Shes always mentioning things to me like I am having health issues at the moment. Been on and off for last couple years with allsorts of minor ailments . Think my immune system is low and am convinced it's because of the constant stress. I have already suffered with panic attacks/ depression or years too. You wonder how much of this is related to this cyccle of constant dramas. I went off there but I have to go for a scan soon and she brings this up and often feel like its to make me feel crap not out of concern if that makes sense. Also I struggle with agrophobia really and she says to me " have you been out today" it feels like she's mocking me like making me feel bad. She plays on my insecurities and vulnerabilities. It's very insincere concern. It feels like that.

I have had counselling years ago and parents etc came up a lot In therapy but i was initially going for help with anxiety etc. I've also had ads years ago.

Recently I had Cbt but it hasn't reAlly worked. I've been I'll and not sleeping well and have found it hard to be persistent with it. I'm not having it at the moment. I don't have much energy. I feel stressed.

When I get emotional with this parent issues and sisters etc. I sometimes fall out with my husband so it effects that. I was only thinking last week after not speaking to my dad for nearly a month as he is been very emotionally nasty to me. I was feeling a lot better and my mum had been a bit calmer. (parents divorced) she gets worse when I'm in contact with dad as she gets jealous but there's always a drama waiting to happen then she rings, sisters ring etc it's a nightmare. My older sister rings telling me what mum has said or done to her.
Also my sister whose still at home is mini me of my mum. She's only 19 and a while ago in an argument she says " you stay in all the time and can't leave your house, where as I can. Great life " it was really awful knowing I struggle to go out. I'm sure she gets a lot of her ideas and thoughts from my mum so my mum obviously knows I'm struggling with things then likes to make me feel bad by saying have I been out in the most patronising voice. She loves to rub in where she has been etc.

Reading this I think why have I taken it then given in and let her back in. Im not strong right now is that why?

She really treats me like an enemy most of the time and as though we are equal like I'm her competitor not her daughter.

I do meet up with him, usually once or twice a fortnight but on MY terms not his. For instance he once wanted to catch up early in the morning (despite him being retired and free all day). I was busy in the morning and suggested that I could see him in the afternoon. He refused and insisted that I see him in the morning. I said I couldn't and so he replied that he wouldn't be seeing me then. Problem solved!

I personally have found that the limited contact is absolutely the best way to control our interactions. It's just getting over the guilt that's hard. And I've found his behaviour is much better with the limited contact- he spends the little time we have together talking entirely about himself, so he doesn't have as much of a chance to dig at my soft spots. He still messages about 5-6 times a day, and requests to catch up every second day regardless of whether he knows I'm busy or not but I keep him to the weekly/fortnightly schedule.

I absolutely know what you mean about the faux concern and bringing up of things which upset you. I have no idea why they do it, it's really bizarre to see coming from a parent. Instead of concern, you get this....it's almost like glee really. Glee at your problems and seeing you upset. And a rehashing of any failings as often as possible. Honest to God, dad said to me (during the agonising four hours we spent together at Xmas) "So shall we talk about all the mistakes you've made over the past year?" I left shortly thereafter and he didn't try that bullshit again. It's like having a frenemy as a parent!

And unfortunately they only seem to respond to you wanting to be treated nicely in two ways- attack or withdrawal, and I've found withdrawal is less painful than being attacked. There are great threads on mumsnet about abusive parents that can help you out in deciding. If you can find a good therapist who specialises in personality disorders you may find that they can do wonders in helping you rebuild your self esteem and boundaries. I really hope you can figure out what is right for you and if no contact or limited contact is best. I hope you feel better but please know you are not alone in making these hard decisions. hugs

Hi sorry, only just saw your second post! That is so sad, both that your younger sister is becoming like her and that they mock you for the agoraphobia. Remember that normal people do not mock their loved ones for mental health issues. They do not rub it in their face. It's the equivalent of the mother of a paraplegic telling their child how much they enjoy walking. You deserve better!