Anyone else live with a hoarder?

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

Dh is a lovely man and I am very lucky to have him but the hoarding is driving me crazy.

He has the ability to clutter a room within seconds. When we moved into this house the agreement was the loft room is his to use as he pleases (ie fill with useless shit).
He struggles to throw anything away, is a world class procrastinator and seems to see the value in every bit of tat and random item of paper work imaginable. Any hint that I may organise or heaven forbid throw something away is extremely stressful for him.

What really pisses me off is that if we have people round they must not be allowed upstairs incase they see his ever expanding messy hoard. Why is it ok for me and dd to put up with this but others can't be allowed to see it?

Grrr. Anyway we are making small amounts of progress tidying up and he is even ebaying some stuff.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

[50shadesofmeh]

I was a hoarder the good news is I'm much better, the bad news is I've now switched to cleaning OCD.
It got to the stage I wouldn't let anyone upstairs in my house and it made me feel so ashamed , my mum helped me and I got rid of so much stuff and we organised the rest and the act of throwing out things I didn't need and the sheer enjoyment I had of all the new space made me totally obsessed with keeping it that way .

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

If you google compulsive hoarders there are quite a few organisations that might be able to offer help.

Agree it's a type of mental illness, an OCD like behaviour which means it can be treated, possibly.

[Viviennemary]

I'm a bit of a hoarder I admit. But I am trying hard to improve. By giving myself quotas of stuff. I tried to get rid of all books that didn't fit into one of my many bookcases and I've almost managed it. I now weed out magazines which I didn't used to do and the same with clothes. It's more difficult when your partner is the hoarder.

If hoarding gets out of control it can make life really hard. And I agree that it's a lot more common that people think.

[CarpeVinum]

This probably isn't new info for most, but there is a good collection of UK & generic links on this page.

childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/?page_id=4123

I think, thinking back, I thought it was just us which was terribly isolating and encouraged the shame, whereas today it is much easier to connect to people in the same boat and get at least emotional supoort.

Thankfully there also seems to be more practical support as well

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

horse when their stuff means more to them than you do it really hurts. So sorry hope this thread hasn't been really upsetting for you.

50shades well done on tackling the hoarding. I'm sat here thinking, wow imagine if I could switch dh's crazy attitude to hoarding into a crazy attitude towards cleaning (I know I'm evil). Was it the shame of having people see the mess that tipped you over. Dh is quite proud, he's happy for me to live in a complete tip but doesn't want others to see it.

notsuch I will have a look but don't think he will admit he has that severe a problem. He is (very slowly) getting rid of stuff. I just feel bad for him that it really causes him distress at the thought of getting rid if stuff. (Plus it pisses me of no end as well).

[Horsemad]

Thanks Whenshe - it is hurtful I just can't get my head around how a flyer for an open day somewhere 10yrs ago that we didn't even attend can be worthy of keeping.

[Horsemad]

This is an awful thing to say, but if my DH died I'd actually chuck all his crap out before arranging his funeral

That's how bad it is for me.

[Biscuitsareme]

Both my parents are hoarders. They are now divorced but not because of the hoarding. I remember being too ashamed to invite friends over as a teenager. My mum leaves bulky stuff, like furniture she's been given/ inherited, stacked up in weird places like the narrow corridor between doors to living and dining room and stairs, and she has precarious piles of papers on all table surfaces. These can't be moved because she's in the middle of sorting them out (ha!). I can't move any furniture etc out of the way because I might break it. My dad keeps train tickets from the 1990s. His mantra is 'you'll need a thing the day after you've thrown it away.

It's a control issue for them. They need 'their' stuff around them over which they, and they alone, have control.

I'm a second generations hoarder in that I find it difficult to organise where I keep stuff. I am married to a very tidy OH who's happy to sort my stuff for me .

I agree it's a mental health issue. Good luck OP!
I'll be watching this thread with interest.

[CarpeVinum]

This is an awful thing to say

It's not an awful thing to say. I think it's pretty normal for people who have been oppressed to some extent by a hoard.

My mother lost her home, so moved over here to stay with us. And despite all my begging and threatening...shipped the hoard over too.

After she was gone, I dealt with the hoard before I dealt with anything else. I had to. It was bigger than me, but I had to kill the dragon in one fell swoop with a real urgency. Probably because I think I sort of saw it as an actual entity in its own right that would overtake me too if I didn't. It's presence was oppressive and physically painful to me. And I needed it gone as the absolute priority.

How you feel is perfectly normal for somebody in your position.

[happydutchmummy]

My oh has endless trouble throwing things away, as it 'may be useful one day' or its actually 'worth quite a lot of money.'.... Our garage is full of essential stuff like VCR recorders, old fire alarm system and detector heads, boxes of odd shoes and god knows what else.

When we lived in his house I was too ashamed of the chaos in the living room to have friends over and do play dates, etc. I then inherited some money and brought my own place and told oh he was welcome to move in but his junk wasn't.... To be fair he did sort through some of it and took a car load to the skip but most of it has somehow followed him. It is not allowed in he house, unless it is somewhere that is 'his'space like his wardrobe, etc. hence why I now cannot fit dd bike in the garage, as its full of his stuff.

It causes real tension in our relationship because I'm a bit of a minimalist and he is so much towards the other extreme. When we were living at his I too felt like he was prioritising his stuff over me and dd. it was a factor in me buying my own place, so I could say my house, my rules....

[Spiritedwolf]

I'm not a full on hoarder, but we do have more stuff than we can keep tidy. Things get moved from one place to another. I do go through fits of chucking things out but it's difficult so I can understand about the emotional attachment to stuff thing.

When I was pregnant with my DS (now nearly 11 months) I was pretty stressed about nesting, trying to create space for our new baby and associated necessary stuff. I struggled about whether to throw away a large pile of writing magazines. In my head, they were tied up to my desire to be a writer, and I had frantic thoughts that if I let them go, I never would be, or that I was throwing out fantastic advice that when I had read it seemed important but which I had now forgotton.

To put the magazines out for recycling I had to logically and emotionally detatch the idea of being a writer from a pile of old magazines. To be a writer I need to write, not spend hours/longer reading old magazines that I've already read. Yes they did have good tips/ideas etc, but nothing I wouldn't be able to find online, in the many books I have, or indeed in current issues of the magazines shoudl I wish to purchase them. Having that pile of magazines wasn't helping me to write at all, and they were taking up space that my much wanted baby needed!

So I find things related to dreams/ambitions difficult to part with, also things that I have wanted to use for a creative project difficult to let go because it feels a failure not to have completed them - of course having them around taking up space feels bad too. I also find it difficult to let go of things that others have given me as it seems ungrateful. So that's a lot of stuff taking up mental and physical space.

Maybe what stops it from becoming a horde is that I do value having space and order, so I try to keep on top of it but I could do better really. I think part of it is that I don't really trust myself to remember things, without the stuff that triggers those memories.

So I feel I can really sympathise with the emotional side of hoarding. I really get that getting rid of the hoard without permission would only cause the person to replace the stuff - because it is (or could be) filling an emotional void. Often people who hoard have lost something precious or lived through times when they had very little, so put value in everything.

What I don't really understand is the verbal abuse and disrespect people are saying they experience from their partners if they challange them about the hoard. It seems to me to be very controlling - throwing a temper tantrum over a newspaper, etc. Even when it is them who has overstepped the agreed limit of their hoarding (a room/loft/shed etc).

I don't think that people should feel they have to put up with being shouted at, or emotionally blackmailed over a newspaper. Maybe that's why severe hoarders end up alone. Surely it is the same as any emotional abuser, they may or may not have a condition (depression/alcholism/etc) which they are struggling with, but it doesn't excuse them from being controlling/abusive.

[Trazzletoes]

biscuits a 2nd gen hoarder, eh? That sounds about a perfect description for me!

[50shadesofmeh]

Yep whenshe took a full scale meltdown and me freaking out about people seeing the state things were in to make me realise I needed help, it needs to be handled kindly and sensitively as it causes great anxiety when people try to interfere with your hoard. My mum was so patient and kind and I gradually started to allow her to help.

Also I was pregnant and due my 3rd child and decided I needed to tackle it for their sakes, also the thought of having people round after the birth and them seeing the mess shamed me into it.

A tip that helped me is tackle a square metre a day with a bin bag and eventually it will all be under control. Trying to tackle it all at once is overwhelming .

[50shadesofmeh]

When confronted about their hoard hoarders feel very shameful and it causes ridiculous levels of anxiety so although it doesn't excuse the behaviour of the hoarder when made to tackle it, it explains it a little.

[LemonDrizzled]

My DP is a second generation hoarder whose wife left him because of his stuff. His parents have trashed their house due to excess stuff bringing ceilings down and blocking rooms. So they live with him and brought their stuff too...
I cannot even leave an overnight bag there. I can just fit in a toothbrush and some slippers.
I don't think I will be able to live with him. That makes me sad, but not as sad as living with the oppressive weight of broken electrical equipment, old newspapers, hundreds of Tshirts and shoes, and his hobby which currently has overflowed the garage onto the grass and a gazebo I bought him.
WIll he care enough about me to avoid going down the path of his parents? I don't know.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

I think there's a very fine line between this being a psychological issue (anyone know whether hoarding made it into the recently published DSM-V "catalogue" of mental health problems?) and just bad behaviour. As Spiritedwolf says, anger is never justified. It's concerning that so many people here don't dare to throw anything away for fear of the hoarder's rage/blame. This board is full of women who restrict their behaviour to avoid triggering the fury of an unreasonable partner and they are consistently told that it is abusive, that they shouldn't feel frightened, that they should call Women's Aid and/or LTB, and rightly so IMO. I don't think hoarding should be a special case.

[ChangingWoman]

I used to be an accidental hoarder / accumulator. Two things had to change before I could stop:

• I had to get rid of the idea that objects and papers might have some intrinsic value which I had forgotten or not realised. This was very emotional. I didn't tackle it by reason but by becoming more confident in my own judgment of what was important and what was not.
  

• I had to understand the concept of tidying. Genuinely, I did not understand that tidying meant that there was a place for every object and they should be put there. (As a child, I didn't know what my mum meant when she asked me to tidy up and would just shuffle things around and hoover until she seemed satisfied.) Now I have drawers, cupboards and bags designated for types of object and paper and timescales for which I keep most of them before disposal or recycling.
  

The first one was very difficult but the second was a revelation where I suddenly understood what everyone else seemed to have always known.

[50shadesofmeh]

I agree changing woman on both of those points, I used to be a pile shuffler too but now I'm obsessed with buying storage etc, still an obsessive behaviour but makes my life much nicer to live.
I'd say its definitely on the OCD spectrum .

[CarpeVinum]

anyone know whether hoarding made it into the recently published DSM-V "catalogue" of mental health problems?

wiki says yes.

anger is never justified

I don't think that is reflected in treatment all that much. Certainly not in the style popularised by media outlets. I think there is still significant pressure on family members to prioritise the person with the issue, and make allowences for how that manifests, even when it is to their personal detriment and distinctly pain flavoured. But then again, that does rather seem to be the tactic used to compensate for "couldn't care less in the community" accross the whole spectrum of mental wellness issues, where the family is hog tied via love exploited to procure guilt and self sacrifice to pick up the slack of a system that doesn't have adequate funds and resources given the extent and volume of the need.

And then of course you have the Gen. Pub. who can accept to some extent that the person hoarding has a problem that is beyond "just" chucking stuff away as a solution. Yet they find it so much harder to look at the (typically untrained in coucelling/psycology)family members and heap blame on them for having let it get so bad, not resolving the problem and not having a magic wand that's makes evrything better.

I can see something like al-anon evolving over time for families. Just...these things take time, and so many people are stuck in a hard place in the now.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

holla I think you have a point. I wouldn't for a moment say my partner is abusive. He gets angry and distressed but I wouldn't call it abuse more of a ridiculous overreaction.

If you had a treasured possession (photo album, amazing pair of shoes) and your dp threw it away you would be angry. This is how dp reacted once to my throwing away a bag of rubbish, I hadn't checked it and there was a whole pound coin in it .

He is getting better, it's just such a slow process.

What makes me worry is be hasn't really addressed the cause of his hoarding, I think he needs to deal with the psychological reasons behind it before there will be massive progress.

[glastocat]

My father was a hoarder. When he died I had to clean out his two bedroom apartment, it took six people a week and was absolutely the most horrible thing I had to do. I lived in another country and he had hidden the extent of the problem, although I know his flat was a mess. I had hideous depression after his death, dealing with his flat certainly didn't help. On the plus side it has turned me into the complete opposite of a hoarder, I love getting rid of stuff, and when I emigrated earlier this year I found it massively liberating to get rid of most of my possessions. So, no advice aim afraid, only lots of sympathy.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

carpe you seem to have a lot of experience in this (you poor poor thing). A lot of people have said the hoarders family are also hoarders, it this quite common.

Dh's parents are definately hoarders but have a big house and their kids have moved out so can keep communal areas clear. His grandmothers house was a complete disaster zone.

[SoupDragon]

Have you watched the "hoarders" programmes? There was a series on BBC and (I think) channel 4. They may be on iPlayer/4 OD.

They were very informative and showed that the hoarders need help and support, not condemnation and sneaky throwing stuff away.

[Fairenuff]

If you had a treasured possession (photo album, amazing pair of shoes) and your dp threw it away you would be angry

The difference is, that if your dp told you to clear up the album or shoes within the next two weeks or they would be thrown away, you would clear it up.

If these possessions are so important, for whatever reason, then the person who has to keep them should keep them in a place that does not infringe on family members space or sense of well being.

Whilst the hoarder gains comfort and a sense of calm being surrounded by all the mess, the partner is suffering stress and anxiety because they are surrounded by mess. Why is it weighted in the hoarder's favour. Why is their need greater?

People on this thread have said that they have been forced to leave relationships or have felt like setting their own house on fire. This is seriously stressful and no-one should have to live like that.

I can see something like al-anon evolving over time for families

Carpe why not use this thread, for partners of hoarders to come together to help and support each other. Share your experiences, what you have tried, what worked, what didn't, what professional help is out there, how to access it, etc?

[SoupDragon]

I think telling a hoarder to tidy up is like telling someone with depression to cheer up.