have i been a victim of domestic abuse?

[jaime76]

daft question, surely you would know right?

my ex left the family home 4 weeks ago. 8 year relationship, some ups and downs. in 2010 I had a nervous breakdown resulting in a suicide attempt. I thought that since then, ex has been supportive and helpful but now he has left, I am not sure that infact I have been a victim of abuse.

He exaggerated a statement which was said which resulted in me cutting my mum out of my life (take the kids and run when id pack your bags was said) since the b/down I have been suffering depression and anxiety and have been seeing a specialist since then. He came to more or less every appointment including the doctors. I was advised by the dr to take things slowely and get back on me feet gradually. I tried to get a job but found the stress of dealing with the public horrendous and have had sleeping issues.

Ex was the type who had lots of friends, socially loved and admired "great dad" etc.

Since he left he has turned into the devil incarnate. Initially sighting his leaving as "fallen out of love". I am now getting harassing texts saying that the reason he left is because I was lazy and used him as a cash cow cause I couldn't be bothered getting a job. I cant love my children or I wouldn't have tried to kill myself. he has even reported me to child services. He is basically saying that everything including why he left, why our dd cries all the time, is my fault.

We have a dd (6 yo) between us, who since he left, very rarely asks for him and I have one from a previous relationship (12 yo) who he has never got on with. I feel guilty because I have always taken his side over hers.

So that I didn't have to deal with the abusive texts, I bought dd (6) a phone so that he could ring her without coming through me, he told me that I needed to "get help" and I was ridiculous for buying a 6yo a phone.

Since the relationship started, I have lost contact with family and friends and now feel like I have no one to help or talk with. Im frightened to report it as I don't want to look like im just a bitter ex girlfriend.

Have I been a victim of domestic abuse?

It looks like you still are.

Someone will post links to check lists. (on phone and have to hurry)

Can you try and rebuild bridges with your family?

And keep ignoring his abuse. Keep to email and text.

Phone women's aid and get proper advice.

Let family friends know he has gone, and see if you can rebuild bridges (especially to any who told you to pack your bags and run). Reach out to parents at school, neighbours etc.

Do no communicate with him. Get a solicitor and all communication to go via them. Do your best to ensure any communication from him is written (texts/emails) and keep them.

Talk to your doctors about the changes, and get their advice help.

thanks for your advise.
I have spoken to a solicitor but ive been given quotes of between 2 - 5k to use them to get contact orders sorted. Im going to go to the courts tomorrow and get the forms and file them myself. I have already spoken to school but as he is in the birth cert, we both get parental access rights. I am trying to rebuild bridges but feel so ashamed that I cut them out of my life that it is difficult. I have lost all self confidence and self belief.

please don't feel ashamed. you are doing amazingly well so soon after he left when you probably believed you needed him looking after you. friends and family worth knowing will understand you . i replied to bump your thread back into active. there is a lot of help and support to be found here. look up 'gaslighting' on Google to start with.

Hey jaime I agree, he sounds very controlling and abusive. Well done on taking control and filing the papers. No way you could get legal aid? Why not call 101 (the police non-emergency line) just for general advice on what to do - that way you are not reporting, yet, and you are still flagging it to them. And WA as well, they are a fantastic resource.

You could pop over to the Emotional Abuse thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1778451-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-23 for some support/advice/general ranting.

Thanks, I did report it to the police and they have referred me to the local domestic abuse team (going to ring on Monday) what's also not helping is that I have a turn disc in my back and mobility is an issue. His mum still helps with the school runs but I'm paranoid that she is passing info on, like the house being untidy or uniform not being ironed. I think I will give wa a ring after the kids have gone to bed.... This sucks!

You have been given good advice re the emotional abuse.

I'm asking you to think about something else - why are you applying to the court for a contact order. Your DD lives with you and it seems as though your ex is not bothering with her that much. That is sad for her. But until such time as he starts to make unreasonable demands regarding contact surely there is no need to apply to the court. Won't an application by you just goad him into making demands/allegations. If contact isn't a problem at the moment don't make it into one and concentrate instead on your post separation well being.

He is making unreasonable demands towards access which is what is worrying. He says I'm an unfit mum and he wants "a lot" of access. He has already reported me to child services (whos report I should get soon but she basically laughed at his reasons)

Depression/anxiety is NOT a life choice. Nor does the fact that you were unable to work because of it, make you a cash cow! My ex has blamed our problems on my depression and not 'bringing enough money in to the household' etc. I really struggle to make myself believe that I did not choose to be depressed or not be able to work much. Interestingly though, since I left him, I've not been depressed since!

I also wanted to say that it is entirely possible not to realise you have/are been/being abused. I really did not see it, again till I left, because with my ex, it was done quite subtly and I really believed the very subtle messages I had been given over so many years (ie that I was weak, unable to deal with what he called "the real world" etc) Turns out I am absolutely NOT week and have made a new life for myself and have dealt with loads of things that needed a shedload of strength/courage. Your ex sounds like it has suited him to bring you down in order that he can control/feel strong himself.

A lot of solicitors give free 30 mins appointments. Would that be any use, just to see where you stand re contact? So sorry you are going through all this. I hope you are able to rebuild the relationship with your family. I agree your ex sounds very controlling indeed and yes I would say this is domestic abuse. And you are NOT a bitter ex either. You are taking the first steps to building a new life for yourself and DD. Just want you to know you aren't alone and you can get through this.

Cafe, its such a relief to hear you got thru it. Thankfully I have my appointment with my phyc doctor next week. I feel ready to start coming off my venlafaxine (after being on it for 3 years) I do feel a sense of clarity after reading the advice I have had on here and feelccomforted to see that you can get thru it and I do have some strength in reserve :-D

jamie you could well find that away from your ex you gradually start to really find who you are and what you can be. Controlling partners can really gnaw away at your self-belief and you end up seeing yourself as someone who is the embodiment of all the negative and crap messages you've been fed over the course of the relationship.

Getting out of my marriage was the best thing that happened to me and my only regret is that I stuck with the stupid twat for so long and wasted so many years. Get whatever support you can find - GP, psych etc and try to focus on working towards a new beginning bit by little bit. And try to be kind to yourself. You're doing great.

I'm paranoid that she is passing info on, like the house being untidy or uniform not being ironed.

Wow, really? You are a terrible mum.

Just wanted to give an update. I have been in contact with my local womens centre and spoken to a social worker. After giving a brief description of the last 3 years of my relationship, she confirmed that I tick a number of boxes for Emotional Abuse, which is now covered under the Domestic Abuse law. I have spoke to solictors and am starting the process of filing for domestic abuse.

I am super nervous, the thought of him finding out is really worrying me, which is doubting me taking things forward. How will this affect the relationship he has with his daughter? What will people think of me?